Test 2: Many people put their personal information online (address, telephone number and so on) for purposes such as signing up for social networks or online banking. Is this a positive or negative development?

In recent times, in order to sign up on social media platforms or internet banking, numerous individuals have uploaded their private information online. From my perspective, this phenomenon brings various benefits, therefore, it could be considered as positive transformation.
To begin with, a number of advocates contend that this practice is dangerous and could leave several potential drawbacks to the users. It is evident that when putting our private information online, some criminal organizations can exert and collect it in an illegal way. Nevertheless, with advancement of technology, almost online platforms have invested and established a cutting-edge and efficient security program to prevent their clients’ data. Moreover, numerous governments also have promulgated strict regulations to imprison any individuals or organizations committing a crime related to the personal background. For this reason, I firmly believe accessing online environment is considerably safety and its disadvantage is minimal and insufficient.
Furthermore, another compelling reason for this transformation is to enhance our quality of life. In a few decades ago, if we wanted to create a banking account, we certainly needed to go the bank office, queueing and waiting for substantial time. However, this practice seems quietly difficult in the past, nowadays, with some technological equipment such as smartphones or computers, most individuals can easily implement within a few minutes. The similar option could also be observed when we pay for our electrical or internet bills annually. Therefore, many companies and authorities have cooperated to develop advanced programs or smartphone apps to alleviate the time spending for multiple fundamental activities, in order to generate the prosperity of our society.
In conclusion, while there are still various disputes about the safety when uploading personal information online, I believe this practice is increasingly prevalent and widespread and can create a better well-being on our life.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In recent times" -> "Recently"
Explanation: "Recently" is a more concise and formal alternative to "In recent times," which is slightly redundant and less commonly used in academic writing.
"sign up on social media platforms or internet banking" -> "register on social media platforms or engage in online banking"
Explanation: "Register" and "engage in" are more precise terms that better suit the context of formal online activities, enhancing the academic tone.
"numerous individuals have uploaded" -> "many individuals have uploaded"
Explanation: "Numerous" is often considered too formal and slightly archaic for modern academic writing; "many" is more appropriate and straightforward.
"this phenomenon brings various benefits, therefore, it could be considered as positive transformation" -> "this phenomenon offers various benefits, thus it can be viewed as a positive transformation"
Explanation: "Offers" is more precise than "brings," and "thus" is a more formal conjunction than "therefore." Additionally, "can be viewed as" is more academically appropriate than "could be considered as."
"a number of advocates contend" -> "some argue"
Explanation: "Some argue" is a more common and natural way to express disagreement in academic writing, avoiding the slightly awkward "a number of advocates contend."
"could leave several potential drawbacks to the users" -> "may pose several potential drawbacks for users"
Explanation: "May pose" is more precise and formal than "could leave," and "for users" is grammatically correct compared to "to the users."
"exert and collect it in an illegal way" -> "illegally obtain and collect it"
Explanation: "Illegally obtain and collect" is more direct and clear, avoiding the awkward construction of "exert and collect in an illegal way."
"almost online platforms have invested and established" -> "many online platforms have invested in and established"
Explanation: "Many" is more precise than "almost," which is vague and informal. Also, "invested in" is grammatically correct compared to "invested and established."
"considerably safety" -> "considerably safer"
Explanation: "Safer" is the correct comparative form needed here, correcting the grammatical error.
"its disadvantage is minimal and insufficient" -> "its disadvantages are minimal and insufficient"
Explanation: "Disadvantages" should be plural to match the plural subject "its," and "are" is the correct linking verb for the plural subject.
"In a few decades ago" -> "a few decades ago"
Explanation: "A few decades ago" is grammatically correct and more natural in this context.
"seems quietly difficult" -> "was quite difficult"
Explanation: "Was quite difficult" is a more natural and clear expression, avoiding the awkward "seems quietly difficult."
"with some technological equipment such as smartphones or computers" -> "using technological devices such as smartphones or computers"
Explanation: "Using" is more precise and appropriate in this context, indicating the action of employing technology.
"implement within a few minutes" -> "complete within a few minutes"
Explanation: "Complete" is more specific and appropriate in the context of finishing tasks, whereas "implement" is less commonly used in this sense.
"cooperate to develop" -> "collaborate to develop"
Explanation: "Collaborate" is more specific and formal than "cooperate," which is somewhat vague in this context.
"alleviate the time spending" -> "reduce the time spent"
Explanation: "Reduce the time spent" is grammatically correct and more formal, whereas "alleviate the time spending" is awkward and incorrect.
"generate the prosperity of our society" -> "enhance societal prosperity"
Explanation: "Enhance societal prosperity" is a more formal and concise way to express the idea, avoiding the awkward construction of "generate the prosperity of our society."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the positive and negative aspects of sharing personal information online. The writer acknowledges the concerns regarding safety but ultimately argues in favor of the positive implications. The introduction clearly states the writer’s perspective, indicating that the development is viewed positively. However, while the negative aspects are mentioned, they could be more thoroughly explored to provide a balanced view.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could include a more detailed examination of the negative consequences of sharing personal information, such as identity theft or privacy breaches. Providing specific examples or statistics could strengthen this section and offer a more comprehensive answer to the question.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the practice of sharing personal information online is a positive development. This stance is consistently reflected in the arguments presented. However, the transition from discussing the potential dangers to emphasizing the benefits could be smoother to reinforce the position more effectively.
- How to improve: To maintain clarity, the writer could use transitional phrases that explicitly link the discussion of risks to the counter-argument about the benefits. For instance, after acknowledging the dangers, the writer could explicitly state how the benefits outweigh these concerns, thereby reinforcing their position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the safety measures implemented by online platforms and the convenience of online banking. These ideas are supported with relevant explanations. However, some points, such as the mention of government regulations, could be further developed to provide stronger support for the argument.
- How to improve: To improve the depth of the argument, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with more detailed examples or evidence. For instance, discussing specific security technologies or regulations could enhance the credibility of the claims made.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, focusing on the implications of sharing personal information online. However, there are moments where the discussion becomes slightly tangential, particularly when discussing the historical context of banking processes, which may detract from the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points directly relate back to the central question of whether this development is positive or negative. Streamlining the discussion to focus on the implications of sharing personal information, rather than the historical context of banking, would enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a well-structured argument. By addressing the suggestions for improvement, the writer can further enhance the clarity and depth of their response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument that supports the idea that sharing personal information online is a positive development. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs follow a logical progression. However, the organization within the paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the first body paragraph introduces a counterargument but does not clearly transition into the author’s rebuttal. The second body paragraph presents a supporting argument but lacks a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main point. Additionally, use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument, especially when addressing counterarguments. For example, after presenting the dangers of sharing personal information, a transition like "However, it is important to consider…" could help clarify the shift to the rebuttal.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph addresses a distinct aspect of the argument. However, the internal structure of the paragraphs could be refined. For example, the first body paragraph could be more cohesive by clearly linking the points about security measures and government regulations back to the main argument.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph maintains a clear focus. Start with a topic sentence, followed by supporting details, and conclude with a sentence that ties back to the main argument. This will create a more cohesive flow within each paragraph. Additionally, consider using more varied paragraph lengths to enhance readability and engagement.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "To begin with," "Moreover," and "In conclusion." These phrases help to connect ideas and guide the reader through the argument. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the transition from discussing security to the benefits of technology feels abrupt and could benefit from additional linking phrases.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "In addition," and "On the other hand," to create smoother transitions between ideas. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, which can help maintain coherence throughout the essay. For instance, instead of repeating "personal information," you could use "such data" in subsequent references.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, focusing on improving the internal organization of paragraphs, enhancing logical flow, and diversifying cohesive devices will elevate the writing to a higher level of coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "upload," "advocates," "phenomenon," and "cutting-edge." However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied or sophisticated. For example, phrases like "numerous individuals" and "various benefits" are somewhat repetitive and could be replaced with synonyms or more descriptive phrases to enhance the lexical variety.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader range of synonyms and more precise terms. For instance, instead of repeating "numerous," alternatives like "a multitude of" or "countless" could be used. Additionally, exploring more advanced vocabulary related to technology and security could enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some imprecise vocabulary choices. For example, the phrase "exert and collect it in an illegal way" is awkward; "exert" does not fit well in this context. The term "transformation" is also used ambiguously and could be more clearly defined. Additionally, "considerably safety" should be corrected to "considerably safe."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that accurately convey the intended meaning. For example, replacing "exert" with "exploit" would clarify the intended action of criminal organizations. Furthermore, ensuring that adjectives are used correctly (e.g., "safe" instead of "safety") will improve clarity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, but there are a few errors that detract from the overall quality. The phrase "queueing" is spelled correctly, but "substantial time" could be misinterpreted as "substantial" is not the most appropriate descriptor in this context. Additionally, "electrical" should be "electric" when referring to bills.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, focusing on commonly confused words and ensuring that the correct forms are used. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors that may be overlooked during writing.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid foundation in vocabulary, there are opportunities for improvement in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, refining word choices for clarity, and ensuring correct spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of introductory phrases such as "To begin with" and "Furthermore" effectively organizes the argument. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as "this practice is" and "this phenomenon brings," which could limit the overall variety. Additionally, the sentence "For this reason, I firmly believe accessing online environment is considerably safety and its disadvantage is minimal and insufficient" showcases a complex structure but suffers from awkward phrasing and grammatical errors.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should experiment with different ways to introduce ideas, such as using participial phrases or relative clauses. For example, instead of repeatedly starting sentences with "this practice," consider rephrasing to "The ability to upload personal information online has transformed…" This approach will not only diversify sentence openings but also improve the flow of ideas.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation issues. For example, the phrase "considerably safety" should be corrected to "considerably safe," indicating a misuse of the adjective form. Additionally, the sentence "almost online platforms have invested and established a cutting-edge and efficient security program" is awkwardly constructed; it would be clearer as "almost all online platforms have invested in and established cutting-edge and efficient security programs." Punctuation is generally correct, but there are instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as before "therefore" in the first sentence of the conclusion.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of adjectives and adverbs. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common errors, can be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation and clarity can help identify areas where commas or other punctuation marks are needed to clarify meaning. Reading the essay aloud may also help the writer catch awkward phrasing and grammatical mistakes.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy on the IELTS exam.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent times, in order to sign up for social media platforms or engage in online banking, numerous individuals have uploaded their private information online. From my perspective, this phenomenon brings various benefits; therefore, it could be considered a positive transformation.

To begin with, a number of advocates contend that this practice is dangerous and may pose several potential drawbacks for users. It is evident that when putting our private information online, some criminal organizations can illegally obtain and collect it. Nevertheless, with the advancement of technology, many online platforms have invested in and established cutting-edge and efficient security programs to protect their clients’ data. Moreover, numerous governments have also promulgated strict regulations to imprison any individuals or organizations committing crimes related to personal information. For this reason, I firmly believe accessing the online environment is considerably safer and its disadvantages are minimal and insufficient.

Furthermore, another compelling reason for this transformation is to enhance our quality of life. A few decades ago, if we wanted to create a bank account, we certainly needed to go to the bank office, queue, and wait for a substantial amount of time. However, this practice seems quite difficult in the past; nowadays, with technological devices such as smartphones or computers, most individuals can complete the process within a few minutes. A similar option can also be observed when we pay for our electricity or internet bills annually. Therefore, many companies and authorities have collaborated to develop advanced programs or smartphone apps to reduce the time spent on multiple fundamental activities, in order to enhance societal prosperity.

In conclusion, while there are still various disputes about the safety of uploading personal information online, I believe this practice is increasingly prevalent and widespread and can create better well-being in our lives.