The bar chart below illustrates the financial investment allocated to each category by five organizations.

Overall, it is apparent that the organization B allocated the most investment, while the opposite was true for organization D and E. Significantly, there were notable fluctuations in the investment of building.

Staff training received the highest investment from the organization A, accounting for 1 billion euros, with machinery and research aligning at 0.8 billion euros, while the lowest level was that of building with 0.5 billion euros. The figure of investment organization B all experienced rises, with machinery growing most marginally to roughly 1.3 billion euros, staff training more significantly to 1.5 billion euros, research most notably to 1.6 million euros, and building nearly tripling to 1.7 billion euros.

The investment from organization D and E for building significantly exceeded the corresponding figures for machinery, which were lower, at 0.5 and 0.4 billion euros, respectively. Research received the investment from organization D and E recorded comparable expenditures, with the former accounting for 0.3 billion euros and the latter 0.35 billion euros.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the organization B allocated the most investment" -> "Organization B allocated the largest investment"
Explanation: Capitalizing "Organization" aligns with formal academic style, and "largest" is more precise than "most" in this context, referring to the amount of investment.
"the opposite was true for organization D and E" -> "the converse was true for Organizations D and E"
Explanation: Using "converse" instead of "opposite" is more formal and precise in this context, and capitalizing "Organizations" maintains consistency with the earlier reference to "Organization B."
"notable fluctuations in the investment of building" -> "significant fluctuations in the investment in building"
Explanation: "Significant" is more specific and academically appropriate than "notable," and "in" is the correct preposition for referring to the investment in a category.
"accounting for 1 billion euros" -> "amounting to 1 billion euros"
Explanation: "Amounting to" is a more formal and precise way to express the extent of the investment.
"the lowest level was that of building" -> "the lowest level was for building"
Explanation: "For building" is grammatically correct and more formal than "that of building."
"The figure of investment organization B all experienced rises" -> "The investment figures for Organization B all increased"
Explanation: "The investment figures" is more precise and grammatically correct than "The figure of investment," and "increased" is a clearer verb choice than "experienced rises."
"growing most marginally" -> "increasing significantly"
Explanation: "Increasing significantly" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing, avoiding the informal tone of "growing most marginally."
"more significantly to 1.5 billion euros" -> "more substantially to 1.5 billion euros"
Explanation: "Substantially" is a more formal synonym for "significantly," enhancing the academic tone.
"research most notably to 1.6 million euros" -> "research increased most notably to 1.6 billion euros"
Explanation: Correcting the unit of measurement from "million" to "billion" and adding "increased" for clarity and grammatical correctness.
"nearly tripling to 1.7 billion euros" -> "nearly tripling to 1.7 billion euros"
Explanation: This is a correction to maintain consistency in the unit of measurement, ensuring that the increase is also in billions.
"research received the investment from organization D and E recorded comparable expenditures" -> "research received investments from Organizations D and E, with comparable expenditures"
Explanation: "Received investments" is grammatically correct and more formal than "received the investment," and adding "with comparable expenditures" clarifies the relationship between the organizations.

These changes enhance the formal tone and precision of the text, aligning it more closely with academic standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main trends in the data. The essay also presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, but some details are irrelevant, inappropriate, or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that "the figure of investment organization B all experienced rises," but this is not entirely accurate, as the investment in machinery only grew marginally.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate and relevant details. For example, the essay could state that the investment in machinery for organization B grew marginally, while the investment in staff training, research, and building grew more significantly. The essay could also be improved by providing a more concise and focused overview of the main trends in the data.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a coherent arrangement of information and ideas, with a clear overall progression. The writer effectively uses cohesive devices, but there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is somewhat mechanical or unclear. While the essay presents a central topic within each paragraph, the paragraphing could be improved for better logical flow. For example, the transitions between different organizations and their investments could be smoother to enhance clarity.
How to improve: To achieve a higher score, the writer should focus on enhancing the logical flow between ideas by using a wider range of cohesive devices and ensuring that transitions are clear and varied. Additionally, improving paragraph structure by grouping related information more effectively and ensuring each paragraph has a clear focus will help strengthen coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with some attempts to use less common vocabulary. However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the opposite was true for organization D and E," which could be more clearly expressed. Additionally, phrases like "the figure of investment organization B all experienced rises" are awkwardly constructed. There are also minor errors in spelling and word formation, such as "1.6 million euros" instead of "1.6 billion euros." These issues do not completely impede communication but do detract from the overall clarity and precision of the essay.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary more accurately, particularly with regard to collocations and expressions. Additionally, refining sentence structures for clarity and coherence would improve the overall quality. Practicing the use of more sophisticated vocabulary and ensuring correct word forms will also contribute to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of Band 6. While there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, they do not significantly impede communication. The writer attempts to convey information clearly, but the presence of errors in grammar and punctuation detracts from the overall effectiveness of the writing. For instance, phrases like "the investment from organization D and E for building significantly exceeded" could be clearer if rephrased for grammatical accuracy.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Complex Sentence Structures: Incorporate more complex sentences with subordinate clauses to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical structures.
Error Correction: Review and correct grammatical errors, particularly in subject-verb agreement and the use of articles (e.g., "the organization B" should be "organization B").
Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation to ensure clarity, especially in longer sentences where commas can help separate ideas.
Variety in Vocabulary: Use a broader range of vocabulary to express similar ideas, which can also help in constructing more complex sentences.

By addressing these areas, the essay could potentially reach a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart below illustrates the financial investment allocated to each category by five organizations.

Overall, it is apparent that organization B allocated the most investment, while organizations D and E allocated the least. Significantly, there were notable fluctuations in the investment for building.

Staff training received the highest investment from organization A, accounting for 1 billion euros, with machinery and research both aligning at 0.8 billion euros, while the lowest investment was in building, at 0.5 billion euros. The investment figures for organization B all experienced increases, with machinery growing marginally to roughly 1.3 billion euros, staff training rising more significantly to 1.5 billion euros, research increasing most notably to 1.6 billion euros, and building nearly tripling to 1.7 billion euros.

The investments from organizations D and E for building significantly exceeded the corresponding figures for machinery, which were lower, at 0.5 and 0.4 billion euros, respectively. Research received comparable investments from organizations D and E, with the former accounting for 0.3 billion euros and the latter 0.35 billion euros.