The bar chart below shows the percentages of students who found employment within 6 months of graduation over seven subject areas in 1995 and 2005 in Molovia. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

The bar chart below shows the percentages of students who found employment within 6 months of graduation over seven subject areas in 1995 and 2005 in Molovia.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
Write at least 150 words.

The bar graph indicates the proportion of graduates gaining employment within half a year from 7 majors in Molovia over the course of 10 years starting in 1995.

Overall, it can be seen that between the two years, both Computer Science and Science saw an upward trend in after-graduation employment opportunities, while there was a decrease in the other five majors. In addition, Computer Science remained the major with the highest job proportion; meanwhile, Arts had the lowest figure of the seven faculties.

It can be seen that in 1995, computer science business and law were the three most sought-after professions for graduates, and close to 90% gained employment in these areas. Following close behind, engineering and teaching stood at around 80% and 75% respectively. Science and arts were the least demanded by employers, at around 60%.

However, the 2005 period witnessed a fall in job availability in most areas, except for science, which increased by about 5% in popularity. Teaching remained relatively unchanged and engineering and arts both fell about 10%, to 60% and 50% respectively.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the proportion of graduates gaining employment" -> "the percentage of graduates securing employment"
Explanation: "Percentage" is a more precise term in this context, as it quantifies the data more accurately. "Securing" is a stronger verb than "gaining," conveying a sense of effort or achievement.
"over the course of 10 years starting in 1995" -> "over a decade beginning in 1995"
Explanation: "Over a decade" is more concise and formal than "over the course of 10 years." "Beginning" is a clearer choice than "starting," enhancing the academic tone.
"it can be seen that" -> "it is evident that"
Explanation: "It is evident that" is a more formal expression than "it can be seen that," which is somewhat vague and informal.
"an upward trend in after-graduation employment opportunities" -> "an upward trend in post-graduation employment rates"
Explanation: "Post-graduation" is a more precise term than "after-graduation," and "employment rates" is a more formal and specific phrase than "employment opportunities."
"the major with the highest job proportion" -> "the major with the highest employment rate"
Explanation: "Employment rate" is a more accurate term than "job proportion," which can be ambiguous. This change enhances clarity.
"the lowest figure of the seven faculties" -> "the lowest rate among the seven disciplines"
Explanation: "Rate" is more precise than "figure," and "among" is more appropriate than "of" in this context. "Disciplines" is a more formal term than "faculties."
"the three most sought-after professions for graduates" -> "the three most in-demand fields for graduates"
Explanation: "In-demand fields" is a more formal and precise expression than "sought-after professions," which can sound overly casual.
"close to 90% gained employment in these areas" -> "approximately 90% secured employment in these fields"
Explanation: "Approximately" is a more formal alternative to "close to," and "secured" maintains the stronger verb choice. "Fields" is more precise than "areas."
"witnessed a fall in job availability" -> "experienced a decline in job availability"
Explanation: "Experienced" is a more formal verb than "witnessed," and "decline" is a more precise term than "fall."
"which increased by about 5% in popularity" -> "which increased by approximately 5% in demand"
Explanation: "Approximately" is a more formal term than "about," and "demand" is a more precise term than "popularity," aligning better with the context of employment.
"remained relatively unchanged" -> "remained largely stable"
Explanation: "Largely stable" is a more formal and precise phrase than "relatively unchanged," which can be vague.
"both fell about 10%, to 60% and 50% respectively" -> "both decreased by approximately 10%, resulting in rates of 60% and 50%, respectively"
Explanation: "Decreased" is a more formal term than "fell," and "resulting in rates of" clarifies the outcome of the decrease, enhancing precision.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay addresses all the requirements of the task. It presents an overview of the main trends and makes comparisons where relevant. The essay adequately highlights key features/bullet points, but some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that "Computer Science remained the major with the highest job proportion," but this is not entirely accurate, as the bar chart shows that Business had a higher percentage of graduates finding employment in 2005.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate information and by avoiding irrelevant details. For example, the essay could focus on the overall trends in employment rates rather than on specific percentages for each subject area. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language. For example, instead of saying "Computer Science remained the major with the highest job proportion," the essay could say "Computer Science had the highest percentage of graduates finding employment in both 1995 and 2005."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs. However, while it uses cohesive devices effectively, there are instances where the cohesion between sentences could be improved, leading to some mechanical flow. The paragraphing is present but not always logically structured, as some ideas could be better grouped together for clarity.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that ideas within paragraphs are logically connected. Additionally, varying the use of cohesive devices and ensuring that referencing is clear would strengthen the overall flow of the essay. More explicit comparisons between the years and subjects could also provide better clarity and enhance the logical progression of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, such as "proportion," "employment opportunities," and "majors." However, there are attempts to use less common vocabulary that lack precision, such as "sought-after professions" and "witnessed a fall," which could be more effectively expressed. There are also some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "computer science business," which should be "computer science, business," and "the 2005 period witnessed a fall," which could be simplified for clarity. Errors in spelling and word formation are present but do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of precise vocabulary and ensuring correct collocations. Additionally, minimizing errors in word choice and improving clarity in expression will contribute to a higher band score. Engaging with more sophisticated vocabulary and practicing its application in context can also help in achieving a more natural and fluent use of language.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, effectively conveying the main features of the bar chart. However, there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "computer science business" and "the major with the highest job proportion" could be clearer. While the overall communication is maintained, the presence of errors in grammar and punctuation suggests that the essay does not fully meet the criteria for a higher band.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by proofreading for errors and improving sentence structure. Incorporating a wider range of complex sentence forms and ensuring that all sentences are error-free would also contribute to a better score. Additionally, clearer phrasing and avoiding run-on sentences would improve overall readability and coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar graph indicates the proportion of graduates gaining employment within six months of graduation across seven majors in Molovia over a decade, from 1995 to 2005.

Overall, it is evident that between the two years, both Computer Science and Science experienced an upward trend in post-graduation employment opportunities, while the other five majors saw a decline. Additionally, Computer Science consistently maintained the highest employment rate, whereas Arts recorded the lowest figure among the seven faculties.

In 1995, Computer Science, Business, and Law were the three most sought-after fields for graduates, with nearly 90% securing employment in these areas. Following closely, Engineering and Teaching had employment rates of around 80% and 75%, respectively. Conversely, Science and Arts were the least in demand by employers, with employment rates of approximately 60%.

However, the period of 2005 witnessed a decrease in job availability across most fields, except for Science, which increased by about 5% in popularity. Teaching remained relatively stable, while Engineering and Arts both declined by approximately 10%, dropping to 60% and 50%, respectively.