The bar chart compares the proportion of various industries contributing to the economy of Country B in three different years.

The chart illustrates how many several industries contribute to the economy in country B in 1995, 2015, and 2025.

Overall, there are decreases in the proportion of manufacturing and tourism industries, while a stability are seen in the figures for food processing and oil, coal and gas industries. Additionally, the share for financial industry has the highest figure throughout the period.

The percentage of financial industry attributing to country B’s economy has the highest figures so far, which started at just over 30% in 1995, then it saw a gradual rise to 36% after the first 20 years, before expecting to end the period at about 41% in 2025. By contrast, the figure for manufacturing industry experienced a decline, from just over 20% to around 15%, and it is anticipated to continue dropping to 5% in 2025, which will be the lowest figure among all the industries in country B.

About 26% of oil, coal and gas industry attributed to the economy in country B in 1995, with a growth to 31% in 2015 and a final forecast to drop to 26% in 2025. A similar change, at a less extent, can be seen in the food processing industry, growing from roughly 10% in 1995 to 21% in 2015, and it is likely to fall to 10% in 2025. There is a fall for the share to tourism, which was from 26% to 21% in the first two decades, and projecting to stay the same until 2025.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"several industries contribute" -> "various industries contribute"
Explanation: "Several" can be vague and less precise; "various" is more specific and suitable for academic writing, indicating a range of different industries.
"a stability are seen" -> "stability is seen"
Explanation: "A stability" is grammatically incorrect as "stability" is a singular noun. Correcting it to "stability is seen" maintains grammatical accuracy and clarity.
"the share for financial industry" -> "the share of the financial industry"
Explanation: "The share for" is incorrect as "share" is a noun that requires the preposition "of" to correctly indicate the relationship with the industry.
"attributing to" -> "attributed to"
Explanation: "Attributing to" is the gerund form, which is incorrect in this context. "Attributed to" is the correct passive form, indicating that the contribution is being measured.
"just over" -> "approximately"
Explanation: "Just over" is informal and vague; "approximately" is more precise and suitable for academic writing.
"then it saw a gradual rise to 36% after the first 20 years, before expecting to end the period at about 41% in 2025." -> "it gradually increased to 36% over the first 20 years, and is expected to reach 41% by 2025."
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly structured and uses informal terms. The revision clarifies the progression and uses more formal language.
"the figure for manufacturing industry" -> "the manufacturing industry’s figure"
Explanation: "The figure for manufacturing industry" is awkwardly phrased. "The manufacturing industry’s figure" correctly attributes the figure to the industry.
"it is anticipated to continue dropping" -> "it is expected to continue decreasing"
Explanation: "Dropping" is less formal and slightly colloquial; "decreasing" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing.
"About 26% of oil, coal and gas industry" -> "The oil, coal, and gas industry accounted for approximately 26%"
Explanation: "About" is informal and imprecise; "approximately" is more formal and precise. Also, rephrasing to "accounted for" clarifies the relationship between the industry and the percentage.
"at a less extent" -> "to a lesser extent"
Explanation: "At a less extent" is grammatically incorrect; "to a lesser extent" is the correct prepositional phrase for comparative degrees.
"it is likely to fall to 10%" -> "it is projected to decrease to 10%"
Explanation: "Likely" is somewhat vague; "projected" is more specific and commonly used in academic contexts to indicate predicted outcomes.
"stay the same" -> "remain unchanged"
Explanation: "Stay the same" is informal and vague; "remain unchanged" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main trends in the bar chart. The essay also presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, but some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the share of oil, coal and gas industry is expected to drop to 26% in 2025, but the chart shows that it is expected to remain at 26%.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate information about the trends in the bar chart. The essay could also be improved by providing more specific details about the key features/bullet points. For example, the essay could state that the share of financial industry is expected to increase by 5% between 2015 and 2025.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a coherent arrangement of information and ideas, with a clear overall progression. The writer effectively uses cohesive devices, although there are instances of mechanical cohesion and some awkward phrasing. The paragraphing is present but not always logical, as some ideas could be better grouped for clarity. Overall, the essay communicates the main trends and data from the bar chart, but the execution lacks the finesse required for a higher band score.
How to improve: To enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow of ideas within paragraphs. This can be achieved by ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that related ideas are grouped together. Additionally, varying the use of cohesive devices and avoiding repetitive phrasing will help to create a more fluid reading experience. Finally, refining the paragraph structure to ensure that it aligns more closely with the progression of ideas will contribute to a stronger overall coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with some attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "a stability are seen" instead of "stability is seen," and "attributing to" instead of "contributing to." There are also some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "financial industry has the highest figures" which should be "financial industry has the highest figure." These errors do not significantly impede communication but do detract from the overall clarity and precision of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision. This includes practicing the correct use of collocations and ensuring grammatical accuracy. Additionally, incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and phrases, while minimizing errors in spelling and word formation, would help in achieving a higher band score. Regularly reading high-quality academic texts can also aid in expanding vocabulary and understanding contextual usage.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While it communicates the main ideas effectively, there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation that occasionally hinder clarity. For instance, phrases like "a stability are seen" and "the figure for manufacturing industry experienced a decline" contain grammatical inaccuracies. Additionally, the use of articles and prepositions is inconsistent, which detracts from the overall grammatical accuracy.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Sentence Structure: Aim to use a wider variety of complex sentence structures. This can be achieved by incorporating more subordinate clauses and varying sentence beginnings.
Grammar and Punctuation: Pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Proofreading for common grammatical errors can help reduce mistakes.
Clarity and Cohesion: Ensure that each sentence clearly conveys its intended meaning. This can be achieved by revising awkward phrases and ensuring that the subject and verb agree in number and tense.

By addressing these areas, the essay could potentially reach a higher band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

The chart illustrates how several industries contribute to the economy of Country B in 1995, 2015, and 2025.

Overall, there are decreases in the proportions of the manufacturing and tourism industries, while stability is observed in the figures for food processing and the oil, coal, and gas industries. Additionally, the financial industry consistently has the highest share throughout the period.

The percentage of the financial industry contributing to Country B’s economy has the highest figures, starting at just over 30% in 1995. It then saw a gradual rise to 36% after the first 20 years, before it is expected to reach about 41% in 2025. In contrast, the figure for the manufacturing industry experienced a decline, from just over 20% to around 15%, and it is anticipated to continue dropping to 5% in 2025, which will be the lowest figure among all industries in Country B.

About 26% of the oil, coal, and gas industry contributed to the economy of Country B in 1995, with growth to 31% in 2015, followed by a forecasted drop back to 26% in 2025. A similar change, albeit to a lesser extent, can be seen in the food processing industry, which grew from roughly 10% in 1995 to 21% in 2015, and is likely to fall to 10% in 2025. There is also a decline in the share of tourism, which decreased from 26% to 21% in the first two decades, and is projected to remain the same until 2025.