The bar chart illustrates the percentage of reserved water in six cities in Australia between October 2009 and October 2010.

Overall, it is evident that while Sydney witnessed a net decrease, other cities experienced rises of varying degrees. While the highest levels of water was consistently recorded for Brisbrane, the opposite was true for that of Darwin during the surveyed period. Notably, the most remarkable upticks could be observed in the figure for Gold Coast and Melbourne.

Brisbane, Perth and Darwin displayed roughly similar patterns with minimal increases during the given time frame. While the former commenced with 98%, the latter two respectively stood at 80% and 36% at the beginning . Interestingly, all these figures had risen by 1% in the year following. Likewise, the water levels in reservations of Melbourne and Gold Coast were respectively around 78% and 65% in 2009, before both increasing by 5% after one year.

Sydney was the exclusive city experiencing a downward trend in the reserved water levels throughout, with its figure declining from 43% to 40%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"reserved water" -> "reserved water levels"
Explanation: Adding "levels" clarifies the context, specifying that the data refers to the levels of reserved water, which is more precise and appropriate for an academic context.
"it is evident that" -> "it is clear that"
Explanation: "It is evident that" can sound slightly informal and vague. "It is clear that" is more direct and maintains a formal tone suitable for academic writing.
"a net decrease" -> "a decline"
Explanation: "A net decrease" is correct but "a decline" is more concise and commonly used in academic writing to describe a decrease in quantity or amount.
"the highest levels of water was" -> "the highest water levels"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error from "was" to "levels" to maintain subject-verb agreement, improving the sentence structure and clarity.
"the opposite was true for that of Darwin" -> "the opposite was true for Darwin"
Explanation: Removing "that of" simplifies the phrase and avoids redundancy, enhancing readability and formality.
"the most remarkable upticks" -> "the most significant increases"
Explanation: "Upticks" is less commonly used in formal writing and can be vague; "increases" is straightforward and appropriate for academic contexts.
"displayed roughly similar patterns" -> "exhibited similar patterns"
Explanation: "Exhibited" is more formal and precise than "displayed" in this context, fitting better in academic writing.
"minimal increases" -> "small increases"
Explanation: "Minimal" can imply near zero, which might not be the intended meaning. "Small" is more neutral and appropriate for describing moderate changes.
"the latter two respectively stood at" -> "the latter two stood at"
Explanation: Removing "respectively" is unnecessary as the context already clarifies that the numbers are specific to each city.
"Likewise" -> "Similarly"
Explanation: "Likewise" can be seen as informal and conversational; "Similarly" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.
"the water levels in reservations" -> "water levels in reservoirs"
Explanation: "Reservations" is incorrect here; "reservoirs" is the correct term for bodies of water used for storage.
"Sydney was the exclusive city" -> "Sydney was the only city"
Explanation: "Exclusive" can imply a sense of uniqueness in a negative or exclusive manner, which is not intended here. "Only" clearly communicates that Sydney is the sole city with a decline.
"the reserved water levels throughout" -> "the water levels throughout"
Explanation: Removing "reserved" avoids redundancy, as "water levels" already implies a measure of water quantity.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay also does not adequately highlight key features/bullet points. For example, the essay states that "the highest levels of water was consistently recorded for Brisbrane", but it does not provide any specific data to support this claim.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a more detailed overview of the main trends in the data. The essay could also be improved by highlighting key features/bullet points more clearly. For example, the essay could state that "Brisbane had the highest levels of water in both 2009 and 2010, with 98% and 99% respectively". The essay could also be improved by providing more specific data to support its claims. For example, the essay could state that "Sydney’s water levels decreased by 3% between 2009 and 2010".

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences could be improved, leading to some mechanical flow. For example, the transitions between the discussion of different cities could be smoother. The paragraphing is present but could be more logically structured, as the grouping of cities could be clearer to enhance readability.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay could benefit from more varied and sophisticated cohesive devices to enhance the flow of ideas. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph clearly focuses on a single topic and logically transitions to the next would improve coherence. More explicit referencing and substitution could also help reduce repetition and clarify relationships between ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, using terms relevant to the topic such as "percentage," "decrease," "increase," and "reservations." However, there are attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "notably" and "remarkable," but these are somewhat limited in variety and precision. There are also noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the highest levels of water was consistently recorded for Brisbrane" (should be "Brisbane") and "the water levels in reservations of Melbourne" (should be "reservoirs"). Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and punctuation that do not impede communication but do detract from the overall quality of the essay.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary further and using it more accurately within context. Incorporating more sophisticated and varied lexical items, as well as ensuring correct spelling and collocation, would enhance the essay’s lexical resource. Additionally, practicing the use of complex sentence structures can help convey ideas more fluently and flexibly.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. There are some grammatical errors, such as "the highest levels of water was" (should be "were") and "the figure for Gold Coast and Melbourne" (should be "the figures for Gold Coast and Melbourne"), which indicate a lack of accuracy. However, these errors do not significantly impede communication. The overall structure is clear, and the main ideas are conveyed effectively.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by carefully proofreading for subject-verb agreement and ensuring that plural forms are correctly used. Additionally, incorporating a wider range of complex structures and ensuring that they are used accurately will help improve the overall grammatical range. Reducing the frequency of errors and increasing the number of error-free sentences will also contribute to a higher score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart illustrates the percentage of reserved water in six cities in Australia between October 2009 and October 2010.

Overall, it is evident that while Sydney experienced a net decrease, other cities saw increases of varying degrees. Brisbane consistently recorded the highest levels of water, while Darwin exhibited the lowest during the surveyed period. Notably, the most significant increases were observed in the figures for Gold Coast and Melbourne.

Brisbane, Perth, and Darwin displayed roughly similar patterns with minimal increases during the given time frame. While Brisbane commenced with 98%, the latter two stood at 80% and 36% at the beginning, respectively. Interestingly, all these figures rose by 1% in the following year. Likewise, the water levels in Melbourne and Gold Coast were approximately 78% and 65% in 2009, before both increasing by 5% after one year.

Sydney was the only city experiencing a downward trend in reserved water levels throughout the period, with its figure declining from 43% to 40%.