The bar chart showed the percentage of school children learning to play four different musical instruments (violin, guitar, piano, drums) in 3 years 2005, 2010, 2015. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The given chart compares the percentages of students learning to play four kinds of musical instruments: piano, guitar, drums and from 2005 to 2015
Overall, it can be seen from the chart that the study’s instruments were learned by considerably more pupils in 2015 than in the previous years, with the exception of the violin. Also, the guitar and piano were the two most attractive musical instruments throughout the period.

In the first two years, piano was by far the most popular subject, accounting for 11% and 18% of total learners in 2005 and 2010 respectively. By 2015, although this figure jumped and peaked at 38%, it no longer maintained its position due to an even more pronounced increase in guitar. Specifically, the percentage of guitar learners began at 9% in 2005, then it experienced a surge until it reached the highest point of 40% in 2015.

Initially, although only about 5% of pupils, the lowest figure amongst the 4 subjects, chose to learn how to play drums, this figure gradually increased by 4% in 2015. In contrast, starting at 8% in 2005, the percentage of those learning to play the violin steadily dropped to 4% in 2015, which made it the least attractive subject at the end of the period.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"from 2005 to 2015" -> "from 2005 through 2015"
Explanation: Using "through" instead of "to" is more appropriate when referring to a range of years, indicating inclusivity and continuity.
"study’s instruments were learned" -> "instruments under study were learned"
Explanation: The phrase "instruments under study" is more formal and specific, enhancing clarity in academic writing.
"considerably more pupils" -> "a significantly larger number of students"
Explanation: "Considerably more pupils" can be replaced with "a significantly larger number of students" to convey the idea more precisely and with a higher level of formality.
"the guitar and piano were the two most attractive musical instruments" -> "the guitar and piano were the most popular musical instruments"
Explanation: "Attractive" can be replaced with "popular" for a more direct and commonly used term in this context.
"By 2015, although this figure jumped and peaked at 38%" -> "By 2015, this percentage surged and peaked at 38%"
Explanation: "Figure" can be replaced with "percentage" for clarity and specificity in discussing statistical data.
"it no longer maintained its position" -> "it lost its dominance"
Explanation: "No longer maintained its position" can be replaced with "lost its dominance" for a more concise and impactful expression.
"experienced a surge until it reached the highest point" -> "experienced a surge culminating in its peak"
Explanation: "Reached the highest point" can be replaced with "culminating in its peak" for a more sophisticated and descriptive phrasing.
"chose to learn how to play drums" -> "chose to learn drums"
Explanation: "How to play" is redundant when discussing learning an instrument; "chose to learn drums" is more concise and appropriate.
"starting at 8% in 2005" -> "starting from 8% in 2005"
Explanation: Using "from" after "starting" clarifies the beginning point of the percentage trend.
"made it the least attractive subject" -> "rendered it the least favored subject"
Explanation: "Least attractive" can be replaced with "least favored" for a more nuanced and formal description of popularity.

These adjustments enhance the precision, formality, and clarity of the essay’s vocabulary and expressions, aligning them with advanced academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

[
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the percentage of school children learning four different musical instruments over a 10-year period. It presents and highlights key features such as the popularity of the piano and guitar, as well as the decrease in interest in the violin. However, the extension of some points could be further developed to provide a more comprehensive analysis.
How to improve: To improve, consider extending the analysis of each instrument’s trend over the three years and providing more specific data points to support the overview. Additionally, ensure clarity and coherence in the presentation of information by organizing the essay into distinct paragraphs for each instrument and year.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation:
The essay logically organizes the information, with clear progression from discussing overall trends to specific instrument comparisons. Each paragraph presents a clear central topic, focusing on a particular musical instrument and its trend over the three years. Cohesive devices are used appropriately to link ideas and sentences, facilitating smooth transitions between different aspects of the data.

How to improve:
To enhance coherence and cohesion further, ensure that each paragraph maintains a consistent focus and transitions smoothly to the next. Additionally, consider using a wider range of cohesive devices to strengthen the connections between ideas and improve the overall flow of the essay. Finally, pay attention to paragraphing to ensure that it remains logical and effectively structures the essay’s content.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to convey the main points of the task. It effectively utilizes vocabulary related to musical instruments and percentages, such as "subjects," "surge," "peaked," "attractive," "learners," and "maintained." Additionally, there is some use of less common vocabulary, such as "pronounced increase," which shows awareness of style and collocation. While there are occasional errors in word choice and word formation (e.g., "study’s instruments" instead of "musical instruments," "from" instead of "for"), they do not significantly hinder communication.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, aim for more varied and precise vocabulary. Instead of repetitive phrases like "percentage of," consider using synonyms like "proportion" or "ratio." Additionally, proofread for minor errors in word choice and formation to ensure clarity and accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of complex structures, such as using subordinate clauses and different sentence forms. There is a clear attempt to use a range of sentence structures to convey meaning. The majority of sentences are error-free, with occasional minor errors or inappropriacies that do not impede understanding.
How to improve: To improve, focus on maintaining consistency in using complex structures and ensure that all sentences are error-free. Pay attention to punctuation, especially in complex sentences, to enhance clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar chart illustrates the proportion of school children engaged in learning four distinct musical instruments (violin, guitar, piano, and drums) across the years 2005, 2010, and 2015.

Overall, the data indicates a notable increase in the number of students learning musical instruments by 2015, with the exception of the violin. Moreover, the guitar and piano emerged as the most popular choices consistently throughout the timeframe.

Initially, the piano dominated as the preferred instrument, with 11% and 18% of students opting for it in 2005 and 2010, respectively. However, by 2015, its popularity surged dramatically, peaking at 38%. Nonetheless, this increase was overshadowed by an even more significant rise in guitar learners. Starting at a modest 9% in 2005, guitar learners soared to a peak of 40% by 2015.

In contrast, drum learners, though initially the lowest at approximately 5% in 2005, experienced a gradual increase, reaching 9% by 2015. Conversely, the percentage of violin learners, which began at 8% in 2005, steadily declined to 4% by 2015, rendering it the least preferred instrument by the end of the period.