The bar chart shows the money in thousands of dollar spent on facilities in Cedar Trees School. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

The bar chart shows the money in thousands of dollar spent on facilities in Cedar Trees School. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
Write at least 150 words.

The bar chart illustrates the financial spendings of Cedar Trees School on infrastructors in 2000, 2005 and 2010. At a first glance, technology received most of the money, while sports witnessed an opposite pattern.
From 2000 to 2005, the school increased the amount of money spent on technology, from 3 thousand dollars up to 3.5 thousand dollars, then stayed gradually in the same in the next 5 years. Financial spendings on building experienced the same trend in 2000 and 2005 with a rise of 0,5 thousand dollars from 2 thousand dollars and continued to climb up to 3 thousand dollars in 2005.
However, sports underwent a totally contrasting picture as the investment collapsed steadily from nearly 2 thousand dollars in 2000 to 1 thousand dollars in the next 10 years. An interesting feature is that although experienced various changes, the money spent on buildings in 2010 reached exactly the same amount as those spent en technology 10 years ago.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"At a first glance" -> "At first glance"
Explanation: The phrase "At a first glance" is redundant. Removing "a" corrects the grammatical error and maintains the formal tone of academic writing.
"financial spendings" -> "financial expenditures"
Explanation: "Financial spendings" is an awkward and incorrect term. "Financial expenditures" is the correct term and is more appropriate in formal academic contexts.
"infrastructors" -> "instructors"
Explanation: "Infrastructors" is a non-existent word. The correct term is "instructors," which refers to teachers or educators.
"opposite pattern" -> "opposite trend"
Explanation: "Pattern" can refer to a design or a sequence, whereas "trend" specifically refers to a direction or movement in data, making it more precise in this context.
"the school increased the amount of money spent on technology" -> "the school increased its expenditure on technology"
Explanation: "Increased the amount of money spent" is verbose and can be simplified to "increased its expenditure" for a more concise and formal expression.
"from 3 thousand dollars up to 3.5 thousand dollars" -> "from $3,000 to $3,500"
Explanation: Using numbers in numerals (e.g., $3,000) is more formal and precise than writing out the numbers in words.
"then stayed gradually in the same in the next 5 years" -> "then remained steady over the next five years"
Explanation: "Stayed gradually in the same" is unclear and awkward. "Remained steady over the next five years" is clearer and more formal.
"Financial spendings on building" -> "Expenditures on building"
Explanation: Similar to earlier, "Financial spendings" is incorrect. "Expenditures" is the correct term for financial outlays.
"a totally contrasting picture" -> "a stark contrast"
Explanation: "A totally contrasting picture" is redundant. "A stark contrast" is a more concise and academically suitable phrase.
"the investment collapsed" -> "the investment decreased"
Explanation: "Collapsed" can imply a complete failure or sudden drop, which might be too strong for the context. "Decreased" is more neutral and accurate.
"nearly 2 thousand dollars" -> "approximately $2,000"
Explanation: "Nearly 2 thousand dollars" is informal and imprecise. "Approximately $2,000" is more precise and formal.
"experienced various changes" -> "underwent significant changes"
Explanation: "Experienced various changes" is vague and informal. "Underwent significant changes" is more specific and formal, indicating a substantial impact.
"the money spent on buildings in 2010 reached exactly the same amount as those spent en technology 10 years ago" -> "the expenditure on buildings in 2010 matched that of technology 10 years prior"
Explanation: "En" is a typographical error and should be "on". Also, "reached exactly the same amount as those spent en technology" is awkward and unclear. "Matched that of technology 10 years prior" is more precise and flows better in formal academic writing.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main features of the bar chart. The essay presents information appropriately selected, including the overall trends for each category and some specific details. However, the essay does not fully highlight all key features/bullet points. For example, the essay does not mention that the amount of money spent on technology in 2010 is the same as the amount spent on buildings in 2000.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a more comprehensive overview of the main features of the bar chart. The essay should also highlight all key features/bullet points, including the specific details mentioned above. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the trends in the data. For example, instead of saying "the money spent on buildings in 2010 reached exactly the same amount as those spent en technology 10 years ago," the essay could say "the amount of money spent on buildings in 2010 was the same as the amount spent on technology in 2000."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates some organization of information, though there is a lack of overall progression. It attempts to group data by years and categories but lacks clarity in presenting a cohesive narrative. Cohesive devices are inconsistently used, leading to some confusion and repetitive structures. Paragraphing is attempted but lacks logical coherence, with transitions between ideas being abrupt.

How to improve:

Organizational Structure: Ensure a clear introduction that outlines what will be discussed. Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph to maintain focus on the main points.
Cohesive Devices: Use cohesive devices such as linking words (however, therefore, in contrast), pronouns, and lexical cohesion (repetition of key words) more consistently to connect ideas logically.
Paragraphing: Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea related to the topic. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence and develop the idea coherently within the paragraph.

Improving these areas will help achieve better coherence and cohesion in the essay, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.5

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an attempt to convey information about the financial expenditures at Cedar Trees School using a mix of vocabulary. The essay covers the main trends adequately, though with some limitations in lexical resource. There is some variety in vocabulary, such as "financial spendings," "infrastructors," and "experienced," but there are also errors in word choice and collocation ("experienced various changes"). Additionally, there are noticeable errors in word formation ("infrastructors" instead of "infrastructure" and "en technology" instead of "on technology").

How to improve:
To improve the score, focus on enhancing vocabulary range and accuracy. Use precise terminology such as "expenditure" instead of "financial spendings," and ensure correct word forms ("on technology" instead of "en technology"). Aim for more natural and precise expressions to convey ideas clearly without errors that may distract the reader.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a range of sentence structures, including simple and some complex sentences. There are instances of both accurate and inaccurate complex sentence attempts. The essay contains several grammatical errors throughout, such as errors in subject-verb agreement ("infrastructors"), article usage ("the money spent on buildings"), and punctuation errors (missing commas, incorrect placement). These errors occasionally hinder understanding but do not completely obscure the main points.

How to improve:
To improve the Grammatical Range and Accuracy score:

Work on sentence structure variety by incorporating more complex sentences with accurate usage.
Pay attention to grammatical accuracy, particularly with subject-verb agreement and article usage.
Review punctuation rules, ensuring commas are correctly placed to enhance clarity.

This feedback focuses on enhancing the grammatical accuracy and variety of sentence structures to achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart provides an overview of Cedar Trees School’s expenditure in thousands of dollars on facilities in the years 2000, 2005, and 2010. Initially, the focus was primarily on technology, whereas sports showed an inverse trend.

Between 2000 and 2005, spending on technology increased from 3 thousand dollars to 3.5 thousand dollars, plateauing thereafter. Expenditure on buildings followed a similar trajectory, rising from 2 thousand dollars in 2000 to 3 thousand dollars in 2005.

Conversely, investment in sports witnessed a steady decline from nearly 2 thousand dollars in 2000 to 1 thousand dollars by 2010. Notably, in 2010, the expenditure on buildings matched the amount spent on technology a decade earlier, highlighting a significant historical parallel.

Overall, while technology and building expenditures experienced fluctuations over the decade, sports funding notably decreased, reflecting shifting priorities in financial allocation at Cedar Trees School.

(Word count: 150)