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The bar chart shows the percentages of the UK workforce in five major industries in 1841 and 2011. Summarise the information by selecting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart shows the percentages of the UK workforce in five major industries in 1841 and 2011. Summarise the information by selecting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart demonstrates the proportion of British human resources in five distinct primary industries in the two years 1841 and 2011. Overall, services hold the greatest appeal to laborers with a considerable percentage of the workforce in both years examined. Moreover, it also witnessed the fastest growth by 2011 compared with 1841. Similarly, there was a small increase in the construction workforce. By contrast, manufacturing, agriculture/fishing, and energy water experienced a downward trend in the rate of their laborers over the given time frame.

By the year 1841, 36% of employees worked for manufacturers, becoming the leader with the highest percentage of all five key industries. The runner-up was services, standing at 33%. Turning to agriculture/fishing, which hold 22% of workers.
Meanwhile, in 1841, construction and energy/water accounted for the minority of the labor force, which were only 5% and 3% respectively.
In 2011, it is striking that the number of staff who worked in the services field rose dramatically, then peaked at 81%, and finally took over the top-attractive industry in terms of human resources. While, manufacturing attracted only 9% of employees, followed by a significant downward trend. Additionally, construction saw a slight increase of 3 %.
Finally, moving on to agriculture/fishing and energy/water, both these types of industries hold the fewest numbers, surprisingly standing at only 1% in 2011. What is more, there was a decrease in the number of employees working in these fields.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "human resources" -> "workforce"
    Explanation: Replacing "human resources" with "workforce" is a more precise term when referring to the total number of workers in an industry. It enhances clarity and eliminates unnecessary jargon.

  2. "considerable percentage" -> "significant proportion"
    Explanation: Substituting "considerable percentage" with "significant proportion" adds sophistication to the description, conveying the idea of a substantial share more precisely.

  3. "witnessed the fastest growth" -> "exhibited the most rapid expansion"
    Explanation: Replacing "witnessed the fastest growth" with "exhibited the most rapid expansion" employs more formal language, contributing to a more polished and scholarly tone.

  4. "energy water" -> "energy and water"
    Explanation: Correcting "energy water" to "energy and water" ensures grammatical accuracy by specifying two distinct sectors. It eliminates potential confusion caused by the original phrase.

  5. "manufacturers" -> "manufacturing"
    Explanation: Changing "manufacturers" to "manufacturing" provides a more accurate representation of the industry sector, aligning with the context of overall workforce involvement rather than specific individuals or entities.

  6. "turning to agriculture/fishing" -> "Regarding agriculture/fishing"
    Explanation: Substituting "turning to" with "Regarding" enhances the transitional flow and formality of the expression when introducing the next industry sector.

  7. "which hold" -> "which held"
    Explanation: Changing "which hold" to "which held" ensures consistency in verb tense throughout the essay, as the discussion pertains to the past (1841).

  8. "minority of the labor force" -> "a minority share of the labor force"
    Explanation: Expanding "minority of the labor force" to "a minority share of the labor force" provides a more comprehensive and precise description, specifying the industry’s relative size within the workforce.

  9. "it is striking" -> "It is noteworthy"
    Explanation: Substituting "it is striking" with "It is noteworthy" introduces a more formal and nuanced expression, emphasizing the significance of the observed increase in the services sector.

  10. "peaked at 81%" -> "reached a peak of 81%"
    Explanation: Adding "reached a peak of" before the percentage enhances clarity and precision in describing the maximum point attained by the services sector.

  11. "top-attractive industry" -> "most attractive industry"
    Explanation: Changing "top-attractive industry" to "most attractive industry" streamlines the expression, maintaining formality and clarity.

  12. "moving on to agriculture/fishing" -> "Regarding agriculture/fishing"
    Explanation: Similar to point 6, replacing "moving on to" with "Regarding" improves the transition and formality when discussing the next industry sector.

  13. "both these types of industries" -> "both of these industry types"
    Explanation: Adjusting "both these types of industries" to "both of these industry types" improves the phrasing for better readability and precision.

  14. "surprisingly standing at only 1%" -> "standing at a mere 1%"
    Explanation: Substituting "surprisingly standing at only" with "standing at a mere" maintains a neutral tone while emphasizing the unexpectedly low percentage in a more refined manner.

  15. "What is more" -> "Furthermore"
    Explanation: Replacing "What is more" with "Furthermore" contributes to a smoother transition between sentences, enhancing the overall flow of the essay.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay effectively covers the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the data presented in the bar chart, focusing on key trends and comparisons between the years 1841 and 2011. It clearly highlights the major industries and their respective workforce percentages in both years. The overview captures the shifts in percentages across the industries over time, depicting the changes accurately.

How to improve:
To enhance the score, consider providing more specific comparisons between the industries in 1841 and 2011. While the essay mentions the changes in percentages for each industry, deeper analysis or connections between the industries could strengthen the response. Additionally, ensuring a more nuanced vocabulary and sentence structure might elevate the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates overall coherence and cohesion, with a clear organization of information and a logical progression of ideas. The introduction provides an overview of the main trends, and subsequent paragraphs delve into specific details for each industry. The use of transitional phrases, such as "Moreover," "By contrast," and "Meanwhile," contributes to the logical flow of information. Additionally, the essay effectively uses referencing and substitution to connect ideas, such as when comparing the workforce percentages in 1841 and 2011.

However, there are instances where cohesion within sentences is somewhat mechanical, and there is room for improvement in the use of cohesive devices. For example, in the sentence, "The runner-up was services, standing at 33%," the use of a more varied range of cohesive devices could enhance the overall cohesiveness of the text.

Paragraphing is generally logical, but there are a few areas where the essay could benefit from clearer division of ideas. For instance, the discussion of the 2011 workforce percentages for services could be separated into a distinct paragraph for better clarity and emphasis.

How to improve:

  1. Diversify the use of cohesive devices: While the essay employs some cohesive devices, incorporating a wider range, such as pronouns, conjunctions, and adverbs, can enhance the overall cohesion.
  2. Clearer paragraph structure: Consider revising paragraph breaks to create a more distinct separation of ideas. This will aid in highlighting key points and improving the overall organization of the essay.
  3. Maintain consistency in referencing: Ensure that referencing and substitution remain consistent throughout the essay to strengthen the connection between ideas.

By addressing these points, the coherence and cohesion of the essay can be further improved to reach a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation. The essay effectively communicates the main features of the bar chart, providing a clear overview of the workforce percentages in different industries in 1841 and 2011. The language used is generally appropriate for an academic task, and there are only occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource and potentially move to a higher band score, consider incorporating a wider variety of sophisticated vocabulary. Aim for greater precision in word choice and explore more uncommon lexical items. Additionally, pay careful attention to spelling and word formation to reduce occasional errors. Review and revise the essay for any areas where vocabulary can be elevated without compromising clarity or accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation throughout. There is an effective use of a variety of complex sentence structures, contributing to the coherence of the essay. The majority of sentences are error-free, and there is generally good control of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances of minor errors and awkward phrasing that slightly impact the overall fluency and precision.

How to improve:
To further enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should pay attention to the use of articles ("the" and "a/an") and ensure consistent and accurate use. Additionally, some sentences could be rephrased for smoother transitions and improved clarity. Proofreading for minor errors will contribute to a more polished and refined essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammar and sentence structures, but minor improvements can elevate it to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart illustrates the distribution of the UK workforce across five major industries in the years 1841 and 2011. In both periods, the services sector emerged as the predominant choice for labor, experiencing substantial growth by 2011. Conversely, manufacturing, agriculture/fishing, and energy/water witnessed a decline in workforce percentages over the given timeframe, while construction saw a modest increase.

In 1841, manufacturing led with 36% of the workforce, followed by services at 33%. Agriculture/fishing accounted for 22%, while construction and energy/water comprised only 5% and 3%, respectively.

By 2011, services demonstrated remarkable growth, reaching 81% of the workforce and surpassing all other industries. Manufacturing lagged significantly with a mere 9%, experiencing a considerable decrease. Construction observed a slight uptick to 8%, while agriculture/fishing and energy/water reached the lowest proportions at 1%, indicating a substantial reduction in employee numbers.

In conclusion, the services sector dominated the UK workforce in both 1841 and 2011, showcasing a remarkable surge in popularity by 2011. Conversely, manufacturing, agriculture/fishing, and energy/water experienced declines, highlighting the shifting dynamics of the labor market over the years.

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