The bar chart shows the percentages of the UKworkforce in five major industries in 1841 and2011. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart shows the percentages of the UKworkforce in five major industries in 1841 and2011.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar graph depicts the proportion of the UK workforce in five major mentioned industries between 1841 and 2011. It shows the highest rate for services and the lowest rate for Agriculture and Energy in 2011.
There are three industry workforce that went down during 1841 and 2011. Obviously, the workforce of Manufacturing and Agriculture declined about 21%, it decreased from 36% to 9% for Manufacturing and 22% to 1% for Agriculture in 2011 while Energy and Water decreased slightly to 1% in 170 years.
In contrast, the data of two labor forces of the Services and Construction industry that increased in the same period. As can be seen, Services labor force soared impressively 48% from 33% in 1841 to 81% in 2011. Meanwhile, the statistics of Construction workforces increased only 3% in contemporary times.
In summary, the ratio of staff of Manufacturing, Agriculture and Energy became small while the rate of labor force in Services turned on so high in 2011.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The bar graph depicts" -> "The bar graph illustrates"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "depicts" in the context of presenting data in a graph.
"five major mentioned industries" -> "five major industries mentioned"
Explanation: The correct phrase order should be "five major industries mentioned" to maintain grammatical accuracy and clarity.
"the lowest rate for Agriculture and Energy" -> "the lowest proportion for Agriculture and Energy"
Explanation: Using "proportion" instead of "rate" is more precise in the context of percentages, aligning better with the academic style.
"There are three industry workforce that went down" -> "Three industries experienced a decline in their workforce"
Explanation: "Three industries experienced a decline in their workforce" is more formal and avoids the awkward construction of "there are three industry workforce that went down."
"Obviously, the workforce of Manufacturing and Agriculture declined" -> "Clearly, the workforces of Manufacturing and Agriculture decreased"
Explanation: "Clearly" is more formal than "Obviously," and "decreased" is more precise than "declined" in this context.
"it decreased from 36% to 9% for Manufacturing and 22% to 1% for Agriculture" -> "it decreased from 36% to 9% in Manufacturing and from 22% to 1% in Agriculture"
Explanation: Adding "in" after "Manufacturing" and "Agriculture" clarifies that the percentages refer to the respective industries.
"Energy and Water decreased slightly to 1% in 170 years" -> "Energy and Water decreased slightly to 1% over 170 years"
Explanation: "Over" is more precise and formal than "in" when describing a period of time.
"the data of two labor forces of the Services and Construction industry" -> "the labor forces of the Services and Construction industries"
Explanation: Simplifying the phrase removes redundancy and improves readability.
"that increased in the same period" -> "that increased during the same period"
Explanation: "During" is more commonly used in academic writing to describe time periods.
"Services labor force soared impressively 48% from 33% in 1841 to 81% in 2011" -> "The Services labor force increased impressively by 48% from 33% in 1841 to 81% in 2011"
Explanation: Adding "by" before "48%" corrects the grammatical structure, making the sentence more formal and precise.
"the statistics of Construction workforces increased only 3% in contemporary times" -> "the workforce statistics for Construction increased by only 3% over contemporary times"
Explanation: "Workforce statistics" is a more precise term than "statistics of Construction workforces," and "over" is more appropriate than "in" for describing a period of time.
"the ratio of staff of Manufacturing, Agriculture and Energy became small" -> "the proportions of staff in Manufacturing, Agriculture, and Energy decreased"
Explanation: "Proportions" is more precise than "ratio," and "decreased" is more formal than "became small."
"the rate of labor force in Services turned on so high" -> "the proportion of labor force in Services significantly increased"
Explanation: "Significantly increased" is more formal and accurate than "turned on so high," which is colloquial and imprecise.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main features of the bar chart, including the highest and lowest rates in 2011 and the overall trends of increase and decrease. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features, and some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the workforce of Manufacturing and Agriculture declined about 21%, but the actual decline is 27% for Manufacturing and 21% for Agriculture.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific and accurate details about the changes in each industry. For example, the essay could state that the workforce in Manufacturing declined by 27% from 36% in 1841 to 9% in 2011, while the workforce in Agriculture declined by 21% from 22% in 1841 to 1% in 2011. The essay could also provide more specific information about the increase in the Services industry, such as stating that the workforce in Services increased by 48% from 33% in 1841 to 81% in 2011.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to compare the changes in workforce percentages, the structure is somewhat disjointed, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and occasionally inaccurate, which hampers clarity. Additionally, the paragraphing is not effectively utilized, as the transitions between ideas are not smooth, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow of ideas. This can be achieved by using a clearer structure, such as introducing each industry in separate paragraphs and ensuring that comparisons are explicitly stated. Additionally, varying the use of cohesive devices and ensuring they are used appropriately will help to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Finally, refining the overall organization of the essay will contribute to a clearer progression of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey the main features of the bar chart, the vocabulary used is basic and repetitive, particularly in phrases like "workforce" and "decreased." There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "the lowest rate for Agriculture and Energy" which could be more clearly expressed. Additionally, phrases like "turned on so high" are awkward and do not convey the intended meaning effectively. Errors in spelling and word formation, such as "workforces" instead of "workforce" and "contemporary times" instead of "the present," may cause some difficulty for the reader.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider variety of vocabulary, particularly less common lexical items that are relevant to the context. Improving precision in word choice and ensuring correct collocation will also help. Additionally, the writer should focus on reducing errors in spelling and word formation to avoid confusion. Using synonyms and varying sentence structures can also contribute to a more sophisticated and engaging essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. However, there are frequent grammatical errors, such as incorrect verb forms ("decreased" instead of "decrease") and awkward phrasing ("turned on so high"), which can cause some difficulty for the reader. Additionally, punctuation errors are present, impacting the overall clarity of the writing. While the main ideas are communicated, the frequent errors detract from the overall effectiveness of the essay.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their range of grammatical structures by incorporating more complex sentences and ensuring accuracy in verb forms and punctuation. Practicing sentence variety and reviewing common grammatical rules can help reduce errors. Additionally, refining phrasing for clarity and coherence will enhance the overall quality of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar graph depicts the proportion of the UK workforce in five major industries between 1841 and 2011. It shows the highest percentage for services and the lowest for agriculture and energy in 2011.

Three industries experienced a decline in workforce from 1841 to 2011. Notably, the workforce in manufacturing and agriculture decreased by approximately 21%. Specifically, manufacturing fell from 36% to 9%, while agriculture dropped from 22% to 1% by 2011. Additionally, the energy and water sector saw a slight decrease, reaching only 1% over the 170-year period.

In contrast, the labor forces in the services and construction industries increased during the same timeframe. As observed, the services sector experienced a remarkable rise of 48%, growing from 33% in 1841 to 81% in 2011. Meanwhile, the workforce in construction increased modestly by just 3% in recent years.

In summary, the proportions of the workforce in manufacturing, agriculture, and energy diminished, while the labor force in services surged significantly by 2011.