The bar chart shows the relative electricity consumption and cost per year of various household devices.

The bar chart gives information about the electricity usage and price each in dollars of different home appliances.
Overall, the most electricity usage took place on spa . By constrast, the figure for electric blanket was the lowest
In particular, pump and water heater consumed the most amount of electricity with around 2250 kWh per year costing approximately 180 dollars. Followed by that of pool pump with mearly 800 kWh per year. The amount of electricity consumed by refrigerator was the third highest with more than 1000 kwh peryear which was a half as much as that of Spa In addition, washing maching, clothes dryer, waterbed heater consumed nearly the same amount of electricity with under 1000 Wh per year, costing around 80 dollars.
Meanwhile, the least electricity consumption belonged to #electric blankes which was di stig with 100 kWh per year approximanly which was Kx microwave oven and Television Additionally, the amount of electricity consumed by well Pump and dehumidifier which were under 500 kwn per year doubled that by microwave oven and television. Electricity usage of other appliances ranged from 550 kWh per year to 750 kWh peryear costing around 60 dollars

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The bar chart gives information about" -> "The bar chart presents information on"
Explanation: "Presents information on" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing, compared to the more casual "gives information about."
"electricity usage and price each in dollars of different home appliances" -> "electricity usage and corresponding prices in dollars for various home appliances"
Explanation: "Corresponding prices" is more specific and formal than "price each," and "various" is more appropriate than "different" in academic contexts.
"the most electricity usage took place on spa" -> "the highest electricity usage was recorded for the spa"
Explanation: "The highest electricity usage was recorded for" is more precise and formal, correcting the grammatical error and enhancing clarity.
"By constrast" -> "By contrast"
Explanation: This is a simple correction of a typographical error.
"the figure for electric blanket was the lowest" -> "the figure for the electric blanket was the lowest"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "electric blanket" corrects the grammatical structure, making the sentence more formal and complete.
"pump and water heater consumed the most amount of electricity" -> "the pump and water heater consumed the largest amount of electricity"
Explanation: "Largest" is more precise and formal than "most," and "amount" should be "amount of" to correctly phrase the noun.
"Followed by that of pool pump" -> "followed by the pool pump"
Explanation: Removing "that of" corrects the awkward phrasing and aligns with formal writing standards.
"mearly" -> "merely"
Explanation: Corrects a spelling error.
"The amount of electricity consumed by refrigerator" -> "The refrigerator consumed"
Explanation: Simplifying to "The refrigerator consumed" removes redundancy and enhances clarity.
"washing maching" -> "washing machine"
Explanation: Corrects a spelling error.
"clothes dryer" -> "clothes dryer"
Explanation: No change needed, as "clothes dryer" is correct.
"waterbed heater" -> "waterbed heater"
Explanation: No change needed, as "waterbed heater" is correct.
"#electric blankes" -> "electric blankets"
Explanation: Corrects a spelling error and removes unnecessary punctuation.
"di stig" -> "distinct"
Explanation: Corrects a spelling error and provides the correct word for comparison.
"approximanly" -> "approximately"
Explanation: Corrects a spelling error.
"Kx" -> "approximately"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error and provides the correct word for approximation.
"under 500 kwn" -> "less than 500 kWh"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error and uses the correct unit of measurement.
"doubled that by microwave oven and television" -> "doubled that of the microwave oven and television"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical structure and clarifies the comparison.
"Electricity usage of other appliances ranged from 550 kWh per year to 750 kWh peryear costing around 60 dollars" -> "The electricity usage of other appliances ranged from 550 kWh per year to 750 kWh per year, costing approximately $60"
Explanation: Adds clarity and precision with the unit of measurement and dollar amount, and corrects a grammatical error.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay recounts detail mechanically with no clear overview. The essay presents, but inadequately covers, key features/bullet points. There is a tendency to focus on details.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the data. For example, the essay could state that the spa (pump and heater) consumes the most electricity, followed by the pool pump, and then the refrigerator. The essay could also highlight the key features of the data, such as the fact that the electric blanket consumes the least electricity. The essay should also avoid focusing on irrelevant details, such as the cost of electricity for each appliance. Instead, the essay should focus on the key features of the data, such as the amount of electricity consumed by each appliance.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. While it attempts to describe the electricity consumption and costs of various household devices, the structure is inconsistent, and the flow of ideas is not always clear. There are several inaccuracies and awkward phrases that detract from the coherence, such as "the most electricity usage took place on spa" and "the least electricity consumption belonged to #electric blankes." Additionally, the use of cohesive devices is inadequate and sometimes repetitive, leading to confusion. The paragraphing is present but not effectively utilized, with some sentences lacking logical connections.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on the following:

Clear Structure: Organize the essay into distinct paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the data (e.g., high consumption devices, low consumption devices).
Logical Progression: Ensure that ideas flow logically from one to the next. Use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the information.
Cohesive Devices: Use a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately to connect ideas and avoid repetition.
Clarity and Accuracy: Revise sentences for clarity and grammatical accuracy, ensuring that all terms are correctly spelled and used.
Consistent Terminology: Maintain consistency in terminology (e.g., "electric blankets" instead of "#electric blankes") to avoid confusion.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to describe the data presented in the bar chart, there are noticeable errors in word choice and spelling (e.g., "spa" instead of "spa," "mearly" instead of "nearly," "wh" instead of "kWh," "di stig" instead of "distinct," and "Kx" which appears to be a typographical error). These errors may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning. Additionally, the use of phrases like "the most electricity usage took place on spa" reflects a lack of precision and control in vocabulary usage.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary and ensuring accurate word choice. They should also pay attention to spelling and grammatical accuracy. Using a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items, while maintaining precision in meaning would improve the overall quality of the essay. Practicing the correct formation of technical terms related to the topic, such as "kilowatt-hours" (kWh), and avoiding repetitive phrases will also contribute to a higher score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms. While there are attempts at complex sentences, they often lack accuracy and clarity, leading to frequent grammatical errors. For instance, phrases like "the most electricity usage took place on spa" and "the least electricity consumption belonged to #electric blankes" contain errors that can confuse the reader. Additionally, punctuation issues are present, such as missing commas and incorrect spacing, which further detracts from the overall clarity of the writing. Overall, while the essay conveys some information, the grammatical inaccuracies and limited range of structures hinder effective communication.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following strategies:

Expand Sentence Variety: Incorporate a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences to create a more dynamic writing style.
Proofreading: Carefully check for grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes before finalizing the essay. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrasing and errors.
Use of Transitional Phrases: Employ transitional words and phrases to improve the flow of ideas and clarify relationships between different points.
Practice with Complex Structures: Engage in exercises that focus on using subordinate clauses and varied sentence structures accurately. This will help build confidence in using more complex grammar correctly.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart provides information about the electricity consumption and cost, in dollars, of various household appliances. Overall, the highest electricity usage occurred with the spa, while the electric blanket had the lowest consumption.

In particular, the pump and water heater consumed the most electricity, with around 2,250 kWh per year, costing approximately $180. This was followed by the pool pump, which used nearly 800 kWh per year. The refrigerator had the third highest electricity consumption, exceeding 1,000 kWh per year, which was half as much as that of the spa. Additionally, the washing machine, clothes dryer, and waterbed heater consumed nearly the same amount of electricity, each using under 1,000 kWh per year, costing around $80.

Meanwhile, the least electricity consumption was attributed to the electric blanket, which registered only 100 kWh per year, approximately the same as the microwave oven and television. Furthermore, the electricity consumption of the well pump and dehumidifier, both under 500 kWh per year, was double that of the microwave oven and television. The electricity usage of other appliances ranged from 550 kWh to 750 kWh per year, costing around $60.