The bar shows the percentage of people going to cinemas in one European country on diﬀerent days.

The bar chart depicts the proportion of people coming to the cinemas in an European country among different days of distinctive years. From a quick glance, It is evident that almost audiences have more leisure time in the weekends, with the two largest rate can be seen at the figure of Saturday and Sunday. Conversely, Monday and Thursday were consistently considered as the least preferred options for the week due to the starting and nearly ending of the week.

Regarding Saturday, the period from 2003 to 2005 experienced a significant surge by 10 people per day, and then dropped to somewhere in the vicinity of 43%, still keeping the leading position. As for Sunday, the figure for Sunday stood at 30% in 2003, followed by a moderate upswing to nearly 35% before receding to over 30% in 2007. Meanwhile, the data of Friday remained intact over the period, amounting at a considerable 30%.

With regard to the Tuesday, the amount of guests allocating time take up 20% of the total coming time, which outnumbers the data of the remaining years, reaching at roughly 17% and under 20%, respectively. The coming time for Wednesday averaged the highest at 2003 with a slight 16%, before witnessing a downward trend for the remaining period. On the contrary, The figures for the Thursday and Monday are much lower in comparison to the weekends, all stand at below 15%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The bar chart depicts" -> "The bar chart illustrates"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is a more precise and formal term than "depicts" in academic writing, emphasizing the visual representation of data.
"almost audiences" -> "most viewers"
Explanation: "Audiences" is incorrect as it refers to a group of people watching a performance, not a measure of frequency. "Viewers" is the correct term for people who watch movies.
"the two largest rate" -> "the two highest rates"
Explanation: "Rate" is singular and should be pluralized to "rates" to match the plural context of comparing multiple values.
"the starting and nearly ending of the week" -> "the beginning and end of the week"
Explanation: "Starting and nearly ending" is awkward and unclear. "Beginning and end" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing.
"the period from 2003 to 2005 experienced a significant surge by 10 people per day" -> "the period from 2003 to 2005 saw a significant increase of 10 people per day"
Explanation: "Saw" is more formal than "experienced," and "increase" is more precise than "surge" in this context, which typically implies a sudden, sharp change.
"somewhere in the vicinity of 43%" -> "approximately 43%"
Explanation: "Somewhere in the vicinity of" is vague and informal; "approximately" is more precise and suitable for academic writing.
"the figure for Sunday stood at 30%" -> "the figure for Sunday was 30%"
Explanation: "Was" is more formal and appropriate for describing a static condition, whereas "stood at" is less commonly used in this context.
"a moderate upswing to nearly 35%" -> "a moderate increase to approximately 35%"
Explanation: "Upswing" is informal and less precise; "increase" is more neutral and formal. "Approximately" is also more suitable than "nearly" in academic writing.
"the data of Friday remained intact" -> "the data for Friday remained consistent"
Explanation: "Remained intact" is less common and slightly awkward; "remained consistent" is clearer and more direct.
"the amount of guests allocating time take up" -> "the number of viewers allocating time accounted for"
Explanation: "Take up" is informal and incorrect in this context; "accounted for" is the correct term for describing the proportion of a total.
"outnumbers the data of the remaining years" -> "exceeded the figures for the remaining years"
Explanation: "Outnumbers" is incorrect in this context; "exceeded" is the correct verb to describe surpassing a value.
"reaching at roughly 17%" -> "reaching approximately 17%"
Explanation: "Reaching at" is grammatically incorrect; "reaching approximately" is the correct phrase structure.
"On the contrary, The figures for the Thursday and Monday" -> "On the other hand, the figures for Thursday and Monday"
Explanation: "On the contrary" is too informal and absolute; "On the other hand" is a more appropriate transitional phrase for contrasting ideas in formal writing.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. Instead, it focuses on individual data points and provides a mechanical recount of the information. The essay also presents some inaccurate information, such as the statement that the figure for Sunday stood at 30% in 2003. The actual figure is closer to 20%.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the data. For example, the essay could state that cinema attendance is generally higher on weekends than on weekdays, and that attendance has increased over the period shown in the chart. The essay could also be improved by providing more accurate information about the data. For example, the essay could state that the figure for Sunday in 2003 was closer to 20% than 30%.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to convey the data from the bar chart, the logical flow between ideas is often disrupted, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which detracts from the clarity of the essay. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not always logical, as the ideas within paragraphs do not always connect smoothly, resulting in a disjointed reading experience.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Logical Progression: Ensure that each paragraph builds logically on the previous one. This can be achieved by using clear topic sentences and transitions that guide the reader through the argument or description.
Cohesive Devices: Use a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately, ensuring they enhance the flow of ideas rather than detract from it. Avoid over-reliance on basic connectors and aim for variety.
Paragraph Structure: Organize paragraphs around a single central idea, and ensure that all sentences within a paragraph support that idea. This will help create a clearer structure and improve the overall readability of the essay.
Clarity in Referencing: Use referencing more effectively to avoid repetition and ensure that the reader can easily follow which data points or ideas are being discussed.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to describe the data presented in the bar chart, the vocabulary used is often basic and repetitive. There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "an European country" (should be "a European country") and "the two largest rate" (should be "the two largest rates"), which may cause some difficulty for the reader. Additionally, there are issues with word formation, such as "the amount of guests allocating time take up" which is awkwardly phrased. Overall, the lexical resource does not sufficiently convey precise meanings and lacks the sophistication expected at higher band levels.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items relevant to the context of the essay. This could involve using synonyms and varied expressions to avoid repetition. Additionally, the writer should focus on improving accuracy in word choice and collocation, ensuring that phrases are grammatically correct and contextually appropriate. Practicing with more complex sentence structures and refining spelling and word formation will also contribute to a higher score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex structures. However, these attempts are often inaccurate or awkwardly phrased, leading to frequent grammatical errors. For example, phrases like "the proportion of people coming to the cinemas in an European country" should be "a European country," and "the two largest rate can be seen" should be "the two largest rates can be seen." While the meaning is generally clear, the errors can cause some difficulty for the reader.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Variety of Sentence Structures: Incorporate more complex sentence forms and ensure that they are grammatically correct. This could involve using subordinate clauses and varied conjunctions.
Error Correction: Review and correct common grammatical errors, such as articles (e.g., "an European" should be "a European") and subject-verb agreement (e.g., "the two largest rate" should be "the two largest rates").
Punctuation and Clarity: Improve punctuation usage to enhance clarity, particularly in longer sentences. This will help in reducing run-on sentences and ensuring that ideas are clearly separated.
Practice and Feedback: Regularly practice writing essays and seek feedback to identify persistent errors and areas for improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart depicts the proportion of people visiting cinemas in a European country on different days across distinct years. From a quick glance, it is evident that audiences have more leisure time on weekends, with the two largest rates observed on Saturday and Sunday. Conversely, Monday and Thursday were consistently regarded as the least preferred days of the week due to their positions at the beginning and near the end of the week.

Regarding Saturday, the period from 2003 to 2005 experienced a significant surge of 10 percentage points, peaking at around 43%, while still maintaining the leading position. As for Sunday, the figure stood at 30% in 2003, followed by a moderate upswing to nearly 35% before receding to just over 30% in 2007. Meanwhile, the data for Friday remained stable over the period, amounting to a considerable 30%.

With regard to Tuesday, the percentage of guests allocating time to cinemas reached 20% of the total attendance, which outnumbered the figures for the remaining years, reaching roughly 17% and under 20%, respectively. The attendance for Wednesday averaged the highest in 2003 at a slight 16%, before witnessing a downward trend for the remaining years. In contrast, the figures for Thursday and Monday are much lower in comparison to the weekends, both standing below 15%.