The chart and graph below give information about three categories of workers in Australia and the unemployment levels within those groups. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The pie chart indicates the proportions of three different groups of Australian workers in 2003 while the line chart shows the changes in the unemployment rate of those categories in Australia over a 10-year period, starting from 1993
Overall, the percentage of workers coming from Australia was recorded as the largest category in the total workforce. Additionally, while, all groups in unemployment levels witnessed a downward trend, the unemployed born in non-English-speaking countries remained the highest during the time frame
Regarding the workforce in Australia, 76% of people born in Australia contributed to the total labor force, regarded as the most massive element of all three categories. In addition, the figure for workers from countries who do not speak English (NESC) was higher than that of those in English-speaking countries ( ESC), at 14% and 10% respectively.
Turning to the unemployment levels, the figure for individuals in NESC took the highest place in 1993, at 7%, and then dramatically declined to 3% in the last period but remained the the first position. Besides, the figure for workers born in Australia and those in ESC started at the same point ( at 4%), which was followed by a decrease to 2% and 1% respectively

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"while, all groups" -> "while all groups"
Explanation: The comma after "while" is unnecessary and disrupts the flow of the sentence. Removing it improves readability and maintains coherence.
"witnessed a downward trend" -> "experienced a downward trend"
Explanation: "Witnessed" is a bit informal in this context. "Experienced" is a more formal and precise term to describe the trend in this academic setting.
"born in non-English-speaking countries" -> "born in countries where English is not the primary language"
Explanation: This revision provides a clearer and more formal description of individuals from non-English-speaking countries, avoiding ambiguity.
"remained the highest" -> "remained highest"
Explanation: "Remained the highest" is redundant; "remained highest" conveys the same meaning more concisely.
"76% of people born in Australia contributed to the total labor force" -> "76% of individuals born in Australia constituted the total labor force"
Explanation: The term "contributed to" may imply an active choice, while "constituted" accurately reflects their presence in the workforce without implying agency.
"regarded as the most massive element of all three categories" -> "constituting the largest segment among the three categories"
Explanation: This revision provides a more precise and formal description of the dominance of Australian-born workers in the workforce.
"countries who do not speak English" -> "countries where English is not the primary language"
Explanation: Using "who" for countries is incorrect; "where" is the appropriate relative pronoun. Additionally, "do not speak English" can be refined to "where English is not the primary language" for clarity and formality.
"at 14% and 10% respectively" -> "at 14% and 10%, respectively"
Explanation: The comma is necessary to maintain parallel structure in the list of percentages.
"the figure for individuals in NESC took the highest place" -> "the figure for individuals from NESC was the highest"
Explanation: "Took the highest place" is awkward; "was the highest" is a clearer and more concise way to express the idea.
"the last period but remained the the first position" -> "the final period but remained in the first position"
Explanation: "The last period" and "the final period" are redundant; "the final period" suffices. Additionally, "the first position" is more natural than "the the first position."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

[
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the data. It summarizes the information from the pie chart and line graph, highlighting the proportions of different worker categories and the changes in unemployment rates over the specified period. Key features, such as the dominance of Australian-born workers in the labor force and the consistently higher unemployment rate among those born in non-English-speaking countries, are presented clearly.
How to improve: To enhance the score, the essay could further develop its explanation of the trends and comparisons between the different worker categories. Providing more specific data points or examples could strengthen the analysis and make the overview more comprehensive. Additionally, ensuring precise language and clarity throughout the essay would further improve the task achievement score.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7
Explanation: The essay demonstrates clear organization and progression of ideas. It effectively summarizes the main features of the charts, including the proportions of different worker categories and the changes in unemployment rates over time. Cohesive devices are used appropriately to link ideas, and there is a logical flow from one point to the next. Additionally, the essay maintains a clear central topic within each paragraph.
How to improve: To improve further, ensure a more consistent use of cohesive devices throughout the essay. Some areas may benefit from more varied vocabulary and sentence structures to enhance coherence. Additionally, consider refining paragraphing for even stronger logical organization.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary with some flexibility and precision. It effectively summarizes the main features of the charts and graph, utilizing a variety of vocabulary related to data interpretation and workforce demographics. There is a reasonable attempt to use less common lexical items, such as "labor force" and "non-English-speaking countries." The essay also shows awareness of style and collocation in phrases like "the figure for" and "the percentage of." However, there are occasional errors in word choice and word formation, such as "the the" and "the the first position," which slightly affect the overall fluency and accuracy.

How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource, strive for more precise and varied vocabulary. Avoid repetitive phrases like "the figure for" by using synonyms or restructuring sentences. Pay attention to word choice and ensure accuracy in collocations. Proofreading for minor errors in spelling and word formation will further improve clarity and coherence. Additionally, aim for smoother transitions between ideas to enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

[
Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and has a generally clear structure. There are some errors in grammar and punctuation that do not significantly hinder understanding. Errors include subject-verb agreement ("remained the the first position"), unnecessary repetition of words ("remained the"), and improper use of commas ("while, all groups in unemployment levels…"). Despite these errors, the intended meaning is generally clear.

How to improve:
To improve the band score, consider the following suggestions:

Revise the essay to correct grammatical errors and improve punctuation, ensuring each sentence has a clear structure.
Use a wider range of complex sentence structures, incorporating more subordinate clauses and compound sentences.
Eliminate repetitive words or phrases, and avoid redundancy.
Proofread to identify and correct minor errors and typos, ensuring accurate punctuation and subject-verb agreement.
]

Bài sửa mẫu

The pie chart illustrates the distribution of three distinct groups of Australian workers in 2003, while the accompanying line chart depicts the unemployment trends among these groups in Australia from 1993 to 2003.

Overall, the data reveals that the largest proportion of the workforce was comprised of individuals born in Australia, representing the predominant category. Moreover, all groups experienced a decrease in unemployment rates over the examined period, with the highest rates consistently reported among those from non-English-speaking countries.

Regarding the specifics of the workforce composition in 2003, individuals born in Australia constituted 76% of the total labor force, making them the largest group. Conversely, workers from non-English-speaking countries (NESC) accounted for 14%, surpassing those from English-speaking countries (ESC), who made up 10%.

Focusing on unemployment rates, the initial figure for individuals from NESC was the highest in 1993 at 7%, but it significantly decreased to 3% by 2003, yet they remained the group with the highest unemployment. Meanwhile, the unemployment rates for individuals born in Australia and those from ESC both began at 4% in 1993. By the end of the period, these rates had declined to 2% and 1%, respectively.