The chart below compares the percentage of time Australian mothers and fathers spent helping their children with four activities in 2013

The chart depicts the proportion of Australian children spending time with parents with specific activities in 2013.
Generally speaking, mothers by far take part in activities with kids while fathers tend to spend a little time.
It can be clear that mom loved spending time with the children. The percentage of time Australian mothers spent helping their children in dressing was higher, accounting for 70%. The figure for homework was nearly 60% followed by the percentage of time for preparing for beds at around 50%. By contrast, the proportion of time spent playing games was the lowest, nearly 30%.
In terms of time-consuming with children, fathers spent less time than mothers. Dads enjoyed time with kids in recreational activities, accounting for 60%. These figures in dressing and homework were lower than moms. In stark contrast, the percentage of time readied for beds was higher than for mothers, accounting for 50%. The proportion of time Australian parents spent helping their children witnessed fluctuation trends.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"proportion" -> "percentage"
Explanation: While "proportion" is not incorrect, using "percentage" in this context is more specific and commonly used when referring to the amount of time spent on activities.
"take part in activities" -> "participate in activities"
Explanation: "Participate" is a more formal and precise verb choice compared to "take part in" when describing involvement in activities.
"loved" -> "enjoyed"
Explanation: "Enjoyed" is a more sophisticated and appropriate term to describe the positive feeling associated with spending time with children.
"witnessed fluctuation trends" -> "experienced fluctuating trends"
Explanation: "Experienced fluctuating trends" is a more formal and descriptive phrase to convey the idea of changes in the time spent helping children.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

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Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by comparing the percentage of time Australian mothers and fathers spent helping their children with specific activities in 2013. It presents an overview of the main trends in the data, highlighting key features such as the differences in time spent by mothers and fathers on various activities. However, the details provided may be considered irrelevant or inappropriate at times, and the analysis could be more fully extended to provide a more comprehensive response.
How to improve: To improve the essay, focus on providing more relevant and accurate details related to the data presented in the chart. Avoid unnecessary information or vague statements that do not directly contribute to the comparison of time spent by mothers and fathers on different activities. Additionally, ensure that the analysis is more in-depth and extends beyond a basic comparison of percentages.
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Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently with a clear overall progression. The writer effectively uses cohesive devices, but there are some instances of faulty cohesion within and between sentences. The central topic within each paragraph is clear, but paragraphing is not always logical.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on ensuring that the connections between sentences and paragraphs are clear and seamless. Use transitional words and phrases to guide the reader through the essay more effectively. Additionally, pay attention to the logical progression of ideas within each paragraph to enhance overall coherence. Consider revising the paragraph structure to improve the flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay uses a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While the essay attempts to describe the data presented in the chart, the vocabulary used is basic and repetitive. There is a lack of variety in lexical items, and the language lacks sophistication.

How to improve: To improve the Lexical Resource score, the essay should incorporate a wider range of vocabulary to convey the information more effectively. Using more precise and varied lexical items, especially when describing data and trends, would enhance the overall quality of the essay. Additionally, paying attention to word choice and avoiding repetitive language can help elevate the lexical sophistication of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

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Band Score: 5
Explanation: The essay attempts to use a variety of sentence structures but tends to rely on simple sentences more than complex ones. There are some attempts at complex sentences, but they are less accurate than the simple sentences. The essay makes frequent grammatical errors and punctuation is faulty at times, causing some difficulty for the reader to understand the intended meaning.
How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures, including more complex sentences. Pay close attention to grammar rules and punctuation to ensure accuracy and clarity in the essay.
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Bài sửa mẫu

The provided chart illustrates the time distribution of Australian mothers and fathers engaging in various activities with their children in 2013.

Overall, it is evident that mothers are significantly more involved in activities with their children compared to fathers. Australian mothers devoted the majority of their time to assisting their children, with the highest percentage allocated to dressing at 70%. This was followed by helping with homework at nearly 60% and preparing for bed at around 50%. In contrast, the time spent playing games with children was the lowest at almost 30%.

On the other hand, fathers spent less time with their children in comparison to mothers. Fathers particularly enjoyed recreational activities with their children, accounting for 60% of their time. Their involvement in dressing and homework activities was lower than that of mothers. Interestingly, fathers spent more time preparing their children for bed, with a percentage of 50%. The time distribution for Australian parents assisting their children displayed fluctuating trends.