The chart below give information on the location and types of dance classes young people in a town in Australia are currently attending

The graph below illustrates the proportion of destination and kind of dance classes which young president in a Australian town are currently attending.
Overall, Private studios is the most famous destination for studying dance while ballet is the kind of dance which popular with youngers who in age group under 11 and residents who from 11 to 16 years old are prefer modern dance. Especially, college-based studios are not famous for studying dance in Australia.
As can be seen from the chart, private studious is the popular destination to study dance in Australia which account for 48% while the percentage of student who study dance in school halls and community halls other are not famous than private-studio that occupied 24% and 18% respectively. The college-based studios are the less well-known destination for studying dance in Australia, it just account for 10%
Regarding the remaining, ballet is the most popular kind of dance in age group under 11 that occupied 600 students under 11 years old and 300 students in age group 11-16. Opposite that, modern dance is the type of dance which famous with younger from 11 to 16 years’ old which just account for 500 students in age 11-16 and 300 students under 11 years old while tap just occupied over 400 student in age group 11-16 and approximately 450 student under 11 years old.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"young president" -> "young people"
Explanation: "Young president" is incorrect as "president" refers to a specific political position, not a demographic group. "Young people" is the correct term for referring to individuals in a specific age range.
"in a Australian town" -> "in an Australian town"
Explanation: "in a" should be "in an" to correctly use the indefinite article before a noun that begins with a vowel sound.
"Private studios is" -> "Private studios are"
Explanation: "Private studios" is a plural noun and requires the plural verb "are" to agree in number.
"which popular with" -> "which are popular among"
Explanation: "which popular with" is grammatically incorrect. The correct phrase should be "which are popular among" to correctly use the verb "are" and the preposition "among."
"who in age group under 11" -> "in the age group under 11"
Explanation: "who in age group under 11" is awkward and grammatically incorrect. "In the age group under 11" is more precise and grammatically correct.
"prefer modern dance" -> "prefer modern dance"
Explanation: The verb "prefer" is correctly used in the singular form as it agrees with the singular subject "residents."
"Especially, college-based studios are not famous" -> "Notably, college-based studios are less well-known"
Explanation: "Especially" is incorrectly used here as it implies a positive emphasis, whereas "Notably" is more neutral and suitable for academic writing. "Less well-known" is a more precise term than "not famous."
"private-studio" -> "private studios"
Explanation: "private-studio" is a hyphenated compound noun that should not be hyphenated in this context.
"other are not famous than" -> "are less famous than"
Explanation: "Other are not famous than" is grammatically incorrect. "Are less famous than" corrects the verb agreement and uses the comparative form appropriately.
"it just account for" -> "it only accounts for"
Explanation: "It just account for" is grammatically incorrect. "It only accounts for" corrects the verb agreement and uses the correct form of the verb.
"Regarding the remaining" -> "Regarding the remaining data"
Explanation: "Regarding the remaining" is vague and incomplete. Adding "data" clarifies what is being referred to, enhancing the precision of the sentence.
"occupied 600 students under 11 years old" -> "enrolled 600 students under 11 years old"
Explanation: "Occupied" is incorrect in this context as it implies physical occupation, not enrollment. "Enrolled" is the correct term for students in educational institutions.
"famous with younger" -> "popular among younger"
Explanation: "Famous with" is incorrect as "famous" is not typically used with "with." "Popular among" is the correct phrase for describing preference among a group.
"just account for" -> "account for"
Explanation: "Just" is unnecessary and informal in this context. Removing it maintains the formal tone of the academic writing.
"over 400 student" -> "over 400 students"
Explanation: "Student" should be plural to agree with the plural noun "over 400."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the data. The essay recounts detail mechanically with no clear overview. There is no data to support the description. The essay presents, but inadequately covers, key features/bullet points. There is a tendency to focus on details.

How to improve: The essay needs to provide a clear overview of the data. The essay should also focus on the key features of the data, rather than on details. The essay should also use data to support its description. For example, the essay could state that "Private studios are the most popular destination for dance classes, accounting for 48% of all classes." The essay could also state that "Ballet is the most popular type of dance class for children under 11, with 600 students attending these classes."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While the main points are identified, the flow of ideas is disrupted by awkward phrasing and grammatical errors, which hinder clarity. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, leading to confusion in the relationships between ideas. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not always logical, as some ideas are not clearly separated or developed within their respective paragraphs.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow of ideas by using clearer topic sentences and ensuring that each paragraph develops a single main idea. Additionally, varying the use of cohesive devices and ensuring they are used accurately will help clarify relationships between ideas. Lastly, proofreading for grammatical accuracy and clarity will significantly improve the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, which is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey information about dance classes, there are noticeable errors in word choice and spelling, such as "president" instead of "residents," "famous" instead of "popular," and "studious" instead of "studios." These errors may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning. The use of phrases like "the less well-known destination" and "the most popular kind of dance" shows some awareness of lexical variety, but overall, the vocabulary is basic and repetitive.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and avoid repetition. Incorporating more sophisticated and precise terms, as well as ensuring correct word forms and spellings, would improve clarity. Additionally, practicing the use of less common lexical items and collocations can help convey meanings more effectively and elevate the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex sentences. However, there are frequent grammatical errors, such as incorrect subject-verb agreement ("Private studios is"), misuse of articles ("a Australian town"), and awkward phrasing ("the kind of dance which popular"). These errors can cause some difficulty for the reader, impacting overall clarity and coherence.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Variety of Sentence Structures: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence forms and ensure that they are used accurately.
Grammar and Punctuation: Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, article usage, and punctuation to minimize errors.
Clarity and Cohesion: Improve the flow of ideas by using linking words and phrases effectively to connect sentences and paragraphs.
Proofreading: Review the essay for minor errors and awkward phrasing that can be corrected to enhance readability.

Bài sửa mẫu

The graph below illustrates the proportion of destinations and types of dance classes that young people in a town in Australia are currently attending.

Overall, private studios are the most popular destination for studying dance, while ballet is the type of dance that is favored by those in the age group under 11. In contrast, residents aged 11 to 16 years old prefer modern dance. Notably, college-based studios are not well-known for dance education in Australia.

As can be seen from the chart, private studios are the leading destination for dance study in Australia, accounting for 48%, while the percentage of students attending dance classes in school halls and community halls is lower, at 24% and 18% respectively. College-based studios are the least recognized destination for studying dance in Australia, comprising only 10%.

Regarding the types of dance, ballet is the most popular among those under 11, with 600 students participating in this style, compared to 300 students in the 11-16 age group. Conversely, modern dance is favored by those aged 11 to 16, with 500 students in this category and 300 students under 11. Tap dance attracts over 400 students in the 11-16 age group and approximately 450 students under 11 years old.