The chart below give the number of people employed in five types of work in a certain region in Australia in 2001 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart below give the number of people employed in five types of work in a certain region in Australia in 2001 and 2008.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart gives information about the number of employees in five different types of occupation in one part of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
Overall, it can be seen that with the exception of accounting and farming, the remaining type of work witnessed an increase in the number of people employed, with sales being the most common job in both years.
Looking at the chart in more detail, in 2001, there were nearly 160,000 people working in sales, which was far higher than computing’ 60,000 and nursing 55,000. 7 years later, the figure for sale increased, ending up the period at 162,000 people,
remaining being the most commonly chosen work in this region. In terms of computing, this category experienced a significant rise, reaching nearly 80.000 employees in 2008, ranking second. Similarly, the number of individuals working in the nursing field increased slightly and there were nearly 60,000 employers in the latter year.
Regarding the remaining categories, over 62,000 people worked as accountants in this region in 2001, which was nearly triple that of farmers's 22,0000. In the last years, both figures followed a downward trend, with employees in the accounting field being recorded at 59,000 and 19,000 for farming.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The bar chart gives information" -> "The bar chart provides information"
Explanation: "Provides" is a more formal and precise verb than "gives" in academic writing, enhancing the formal tone of the introduction.
"one part of Australia" -> "a region in Australia"
Explanation: "A region in Australia" is more specific and geographically accurate than "one part of Australia," which is vague and less precise.
"with the exception of accounting and farming" -> "excluding accounting and farming"
Explanation: "Excluding" is more concise and formal than "with the exception of," which is slightly more verbose and less commonly used in academic writing.
"the remaining type of work" -> "the other occupations"
Explanation: "The other occupations" is more precise and avoids the vague term "type of work," which can encompass a broad range of categories.
"the most common job" -> "the most prevalent occupation"
Explanation: "Occupation" is more formal and appropriate in an academic context than "job," which is more colloquial.
"nearly 160,000 people working in sales" -> "approximately 160,000 individuals employed in sales"
Explanation: "Approximately" is a more precise quantifier than "nearly," and "individuals employed" is more formal than "people working."
"computing’ 60,000" -> "computing, 60,000"
Explanation: Remove the apostrophe after "computing" as it is not necessary and can be confusing in this context.
"nearly 80.000 employees" -> "approximately 80,000 employees"
Explanation: "Approximately" is a more standard quantifier in formal writing than "nearly," and the comma is necessary to separate the number from the unit of measurement.
"remaining being the most commonly chosen work" -> "remaining the most commonly chosen occupation"
Explanation: "Occupation" is more formal than "work," and "remaining" should not be used as a gerund; "remaining" should be used as an adverb.
"this category experienced a significant rise" -> "this category saw a significant increase"
Explanation: "Saw" is more formal and academically appropriate than "experienced," and "increase" is the correct term for quantitative changes in data.
"nearly 60,000 employers" -> "approximately 60,000 employees"
Explanation: "Employees" is the correct term for people employed in a particular field, not "employers," which refers to those who hire or manage others.
"over 62,000 people worked as accountants" -> "more than 62,000 individuals were employed as accountants"
Explanation: "More than" is a more formal quantifier than "over," and "individuals were employed" is more precise than "people worked."
"farmers’s" -> "farmers’"
Explanation: The possessive form should be "farmers’" to correctly indicate the possessive form of the plural noun "farmers."
"the last years" -> "the latter years"
Explanation: "The latter years" is a more formal and precise way to refer to the more recent period in time compared to "the last years."

These changes enhance the formal tone and precision of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main features of the chart, including the overall trend and the most significant changes. It also makes some comparisons between the different categories of work. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features and some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the number of people working in computing "reached nearly 80,000 employees in 2008", but the chart shows that the number was closer to 70,000.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate and relevant details. For example, the essay could state that the number of people working in computing increased by approximately 20,000 between 2001 and 2008. The essay could also be improved by providing a more detailed analysis of the trends in each category of work. For example, the essay could discuss the reasons why the number of people working in farming decreased between 2001 and 2008.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the detailed analysis of the data. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances of mechanical cohesion, particularly in the transition between ideas. The paragraphing is present but could be improved for better logical flow, as some ideas are not clearly separated into distinct paragraphs. Additionally, there are minor issues with referencing and clarity in some sentences, which detracts from the overall coherence.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow between paragraphs and ensuring that each paragraph presents a distinct idea or aspect of the data. Varying the use of cohesive devices and avoiding repetitive phrases will also help. Additionally, clearer referencing (e.g., using "this" or "these" more effectively) and ensuring that all numerical data is presented accurately will contribute to a more polished essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with attempts to use less common vocabulary such as "occupation," "witnessed," and "significant rise." However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the remaining type of work" and "the figure for sale increased," which should be "sales." Additionally, there are errors in spelling and word formation, such as "farmers’s" instead of "farmers’" and "22,0000" instead of "22,000." These errors do not severely impede communication but do detract from the overall clarity and precision expected at higher band levels.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range and ensuring the correct usage of less common lexical items. Paying attention to collocations and common phrases would improve the naturalness of the language. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors would help avoid inaccuracies that can detract from the overall quality of the essay. Engaging with a wider variety of texts can also help in acquiring a more sophisticated vocabulary.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. While the writer attempts to use a variety of structures, there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation that occasionally affect clarity. For instance, phrases like "the remaining type of work witnessed an increase" and "the figure for sale increased" contain inaccuracies that could confuse the reader. Additionally, there are issues with subject-verb agreement and punctuation, such as "nearly triple that of farmers’s 22,0000," which detracts from the overall quality of the writing. However, the errors do not significantly impede communication, allowing the reader to understand the main points presented.

How to improve:
To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Enhance Grammatical Accuracy: Review and correct errors in subject-verb agreement, punctuation, and plural forms (e.g., "farmers’s" should be "farmers’" and "22,0000" should be "22,000").
Increase Sentence Variety: While the essay includes some complex structures, incorporating a wider range of sentence types and ensuring they are error-free will improve the overall grammatical range.
Proofreading: Take time to proofread the essay for minor slips and errors, as even small mistakes can impact the overall impression of grammatical accuracy.
Clarify Comparisons: Ensure that comparisons are clearly articulated and grammatically correct to enhance clarity and coherence in the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart provides information about the number of employees in five different types of occupations in one part of Australia in 2001 and 2008. Overall, it can be seen that, with the exception of accounting and farming, the remaining types of work witnessed an increase in the number of people employed, with sales being the most common job in both years.

Looking at the chart in more detail, in 2001, there were nearly 160,000 people working in sales, which was far higher than computing’s 60,000 and nursing’s 55,000. Seven years later, the figure for sales increased, ending the period at 162,000 people, remaining the most commonly chosen work in this region. In terms of computing, this category experienced a significant rise, reaching nearly 80,000 employees in 2008, ranking second. Similarly, the number of individuals working in the nursing field increased slightly, with nearly 60,000 employees in the latter year.

Regarding the remaining categories, over 62,000 people worked as accountants in this region in 2001, which was nearly triple that of farmers’ 22,000. In the last years, both figures followed a downward trend, with employees in the accounting field recorded at 59,000 and 19,000 for farming.