the chart below gives information about birth and death rates in Switzerland from 1970 to 2020 according to United Nations statistics

The provided bar chart illustrates Switzerland’s birth and death rate between 1970 and 2020, according to United Nations statistics.
Overall, the birth rate in Switzerland exhibited an upward trend, whereas the death rate presented a significant decline.
In 1970, the birth rate stood at 1.2 million and remained unchanged until 1980. After a decade, the figure considerably rose by 0.5 million. Similarly, the death rate experienced a growth from 1970 to 1990, but the development was more steady. The figure increased gradually from 1 million to 1.5 million, reaching its peak over the whole period.
In 2000, the birth rate surged to 2.6 million and continued going up to the highest point of 3.2 million in 2020. By contrast, after 1990, the death rate plummeted to 0.9 million in 2000. Over the next 20 years, the figure continually went down and hit a bottom of 0.8 million in the final year.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"illustrates" -> "depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more formal term that is often used in academic writing to describe how data is represented visually, enhancing the formal tone of the essay.
"exhibited an upward trend" -> "demonstrated an increasing trend"
Explanation: "Demonstrated" is a more precise term than "exhibited," and "increasing trend" is clearer than "upward trend," improving clarity and formality.
"presented a significant decline" -> "experienced a notable decrease"
Explanation: "Experienced" is more appropriate in this context than "presented," and "notable decrease" is a more formal alternative to "significant decline," enhancing the academic tone.
"stood at 1.2 million" -> "was recorded at 1.2 million"
Explanation: "Was recorded at" provides a more formal and precise description of the data point compared to "stood at."
"remained unchanged" -> "remained stable"
Explanation: "Remained stable" is a more precise term that conveys the idea of consistency in data without implying a lack of change, which is more suitable for academic writing.
"the figure considerably rose" -> "the figure increased significantly"
Explanation: "Increased significantly" is a more formal and precise way to describe a rise in data, aligning better with academic standards.
"experienced a growth" -> "underwent an increase"
Explanation: "Underwent an increase" is a more formal expression than "experienced a growth," which improves the academic tone.
"the development was more steady" -> "the trend was more gradual"
Explanation: "Trend" is a more appropriate term in this context than "development," and "more gradual" is clearer and more formal than "more steady."
"reaching its peak over the whole period" -> "reaching its peak during the entire period"
Explanation: "During the entire period" is clearer and more formal than "over the whole period," enhancing precision.
"surged to 2.6 million" -> "increased sharply to 2.6 million"
Explanation: "Increased sharply" is a more formal and precise way to describe a significant rise, which aligns better with academic writing conventions.
"continued going up to the highest point" -> "continued to rise to the highest point"
Explanation: "Continued to rise" is a more formal expression than "continued going up," improving the overall academic tone.
"plummeted to 0.9 million" -> "declined sharply to 0.9 million"
Explanation: "Declined sharply" is a more formal and precise expression than "plummeted," which enhances the academic tone.
"hit a bottom of 0.8 million" -> "reached a low of 0.8 million"
Explanation: "Reached a low" is a more formal and precise way to describe the lowest point in data, improving clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but the information is not always selected appropriately. For example, the essay states that the birth rate "remained unchanged until 1980", but the chart shows that the birth rate increased slightly between 1970 and 1980. The essay also presents some details that are irrelevant, such as the specific figures for the birth and death rates in 1970, 1980, 1990, 2000, 2010, and 2020. These figures are not necessary to understand the main trends in the data.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by focusing on the main trends in the data and avoiding irrelevant details. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the trends. For example, instead of saying that the birth rate "exhibited an upward trend", the essay could say that the birth rate "increased steadily" or "rose significantly".

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the conclusion. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where the cohesion within and between sentences could be improved, leading to some mechanical flow. The paragraphing is present but could be more logically structured to enhance clarity and organization.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay could benefit from a more varied use of cohesive devices to avoid mechanical repetition. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and logically flows into the next would improve coherence. More attention to the logical arrangement of ideas and clearer referencing would also enhance the overall cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, effectively conveying the trends in birth and death rates in Switzerland. The use of terms such as "upward trend," "significant decline," "surged," and "plummeted" indicates an attempt to use less common vocabulary. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the figure considerably rose by 0.5 million" which could be more precisely expressed as "increased by 0.5 million." Additionally, there are minor errors in spelling and word formation, such as "hit a bottom," which is not a standard expression in English; "bottomed out" would be more appropriate. These issues do not impede communication but do limit the overall effectiveness of the lexical resource.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision and accuracy. This includes avoiding repetitive phrases and ensuring that less common lexical items are used correctly. Additionally, improving control over word formation and collocation will help reduce errors and enhance clarity. Engaging with more sophisticated vocabulary and varying sentence structures can also elevate the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While it does convey the information accurately and the overall communication is clear, there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally disrupt the flow. For instance, phrases like "the figure considerably rose by 0.5 million" could be more clearly expressed. Additionally, there are instances of punctuation errors, such as the comma placement in "After 1990, the death rate plummeted," which could be improved for clarity.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on increasing the variety and complexity of sentence structures while ensuring grammatical accuracy. This includes using more subordinate clauses and ensuring that punctuation is consistently correct. Practicing writing with a focus on reducing errors and improving sentence variety will enhance the overall grammatical range and accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar chart illustrates Switzerland’s birth and death rates between 1970 and 2020, according to United Nations statistics. Overall, the birth rate in Switzerland exhibited an upward trend, whereas the death rate demonstrated a significant decline.

In 1970, the birth rate stood at 1.2 million and remained unchanged until 1980. After a decade, the figure rose considerably by 0.5 million. Similarly, the death rate experienced an increase from 1970 to 1990, although this growth was more gradual. The figure rose steadily from 1 million to 1.5 million, reaching its peak over the entire period.

In 2000, the birth rate surged to 2.6 million and continued to rise, reaching its highest point of 3.2 million in 2020. In contrast, after 1990, the death rate plummeted to 0.9 million in 2000. Over the subsequent 20 years, the figure consistently declined, hitting a low of 0.8 million in the final year.