The chart below gives information about how many European citizens of various age groups who frequently go to the gym from 1990 to 2010.

The given line graph illustrates the quantity of European 4 different age groups joining gym exercises between 1990 and 2010.
It is evident that the number of people who went to the gym from all age brackets, except for that of the 18-23, experiencing an upward trend. Additionally, it reported that the group of individuals from 24-33 years old ranked the highest place over the period, while the opposite was true for people in the age of 44 to 53.
As can be seen, initially, the groups making up to have the largest population at the gym survey were the 18-23 and 24-33 years old, they shared the same movement in the subsequent 8-year, which increased to 23% and 18% respectively then felt noticeably about 3% in both groups. There was a remarkable climb-up in the figure for the 18-23 counterpart and peaked at 25% in 2006 before slipping back to approximately 18% at the end. Meanwhile, the proportion for gym goers in the age of 24-33 rose gradually and took the lead from 2007 and became the biggest group in 2010.
Regarding the remaining age brackets, these two also exhibited a similar trend, starting with a plateau, after which increasing minimally ( from 1994 to 1998). Whereas, the 34-43 age range kept growing to 10%, the other leveled off at 6% until 2010.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The given line graph illustrates" -> "The line graph depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise and formal term than "illustrates" in academic contexts, enhancing the academic tone of the introduction.
"quantity of European 4 different age groups" -> "number of European individuals across four age groups"
Explanation: "Number" is more appropriate than "quantity" for counting individuals, and "across four age groups" is clearer and more formal than "4 different age groups."
"joining gym exercises" -> "participating in gym activities"
Explanation: "Participating in gym activities" is more specific and formal than "joining gym exercises," which is somewhat vague and informal.
"It is evident that" -> "It is clear that"
Explanation: "It is clear that" is a more concise and academically appropriate phrase than "It is evident that," which can sound slightly informal.
"reported that" -> "revealed that"
Explanation: "Revealed" is more precise and formal than "reported," which can imply a secondary source or a news report, which is less suitable for an academic context.
"ranked the highest place" -> "held the highest position"
Explanation: "Held the highest position" is more formal and precise than "ranked the highest place," which is somewhat colloquial.
"the opposite was true for people in the age of 44 to 53" -> "the opposite was true for individuals in the 44-53 age group"
Explanation: "Individuals in the 44-53 age group" is more precise and formal than "people in the age of 44 to 53," which is less formal and slightly awkward.
"making up to have the largest population at the gym survey" -> "comprising the largest population in the gym survey"
Explanation: "Comprising the largest population" is more grammatically correct and formal than "making up to have the largest population," which is awkward and unclear.
"they shared the same movement" -> "they exhibited the same trend"
Explanation: "Exhibited the same trend" is more precise and appropriate for describing changes over time in data, compared to "shared the same movement," which is vague and informal.
"felt noticeably about 3% in both groups" -> "increased by approximately 3% in both groups"
Explanation: "Increased by approximately 3%" is a clearer and more accurate description of the change in percentage, compared to "felt noticeably about 3%," which is unclear and informal.
"climb-up" -> "increase"
Explanation: "Increase" is a more formal and academically appropriate term than "climb-up," which is an idiom and too informal for academic writing.
"peaked at 25% in 2006" -> "reached 25% in 2006"
Explanation: "Reached" is a more precise verb than "peaked," which can imply a peak in a graph, which is not the case here.
"slipping back" -> "decreasing"
Explanation: "Decreasing" is a more formal and precise term than "slipping back," which is informal and vague.
"rose gradually and took the lead" -> "gradually increased and surpassed"
Explanation: "Increased and surpassed" is more formal and precise than "rose and took the lead," which is slightly informal and less specific.
"these two also exhibited a similar trend" -> "these two groups also displayed a similar trend"
Explanation: "Displayed" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "exhibited," which is slightly less common in this context.
"starting with a plateau" -> "initially remaining steady"
Explanation: "Initially remaining steady" is a clearer and more formal way to describe a period of stability, compared to "starting with a plateau," which is less precise.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends, and the information is presented in a mechanical way. The essay also focuses on details rather than key features.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay should also focus on highlighting the key features of the data, rather than simply recounting details. For example, the essay could mention that the number of people in the 24-33 age group who went to the gym increased steadily over the period, while the number of people in the 18-23 age group increased initially but then decreased. The essay could also mention that the number of people in the 34-43 age group increased steadily over the period, while the number of people in the 44-53 age group remained relatively stable.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of clear overall progression. While it attempts to describe trends and comparisons among different age groups, the connections between ideas are not always clear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which affects the flow of the essay. Additionally, the paragraphing is not consistently logical, as some ideas are jumbled together without clear separation.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on organizing ideas more logically, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic. The use of cohesive devices should be varied and appropriate, avoiding repetition and mechanical use. Furthermore, clearer referencing and substitution can help reduce redundancy and improve the overall flow of the essay. Lastly, ensuring that paragraphs are distinct and focused on specific aspects of the data will aid in creating a more coherent structure.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with some attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the opposite was true for people in the age of 44 to 53" which could be more clearly expressed. Additionally, there are errors in spelling and word formation, such as "the groups making up to have the largest population" which affects clarity. While the communication is generally effective, these issues prevent it from achieving a higher score.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of vocabulary with greater precision. This includes practicing the correct usage of collocations and ensuring that word choices are appropriate for the context. Reducing spelling and word formation errors will also contribute to clearer communication. Engaging with more sophisticated vocabulary and ensuring its accurate application will help in achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentences with some attempts at complex sentences. While there are instances of correct grammar, frequent errors in sentence construction, punctuation, and word choice are present. These errors occasionally hinder clarity and comprehension, particularly in phrases such as "the opposite was true for people in the age of 44 to 53" and "the groups making up to have the largest population at the gym survey." Overall, the essay does not consistently maintain grammatical accuracy, which is characteristic of a Band 5 score.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following strategies:

Expand Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures, ensuring that they are grammatically correct.
Proofreading: Carefully review the essay for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. This can help identify and correct mistakes before submission.
Practice: Engage in exercises that focus on specific grammatical structures, such as subordinate clauses and varied sentence beginnings, to build confidence and flexibility.
Seek Feedback: Obtain feedback from peers or instructors to identify recurring grammatical issues and address them systematically.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given line graph illustrates the number of European citizens from four different age groups who participated in gym exercises between 1990 and 2010. It is evident that the number of people who went to the gym from all age brackets, except for the 18-23 age group, experienced an upward trend. Additionally, it is reported that the group of individuals aged 24-33 ranked the highest over the period, while the opposite was true for those aged 44 to 53.

As can be seen, initially, the groups with the largest participation in the gym survey were the 18-23 and 24-33 age groups. They shared a similar trend in the subsequent eight years, increasing to 23% and 18% respectively, before experiencing a noticeable decline of about 3% in both groups. There was a remarkable increase in the figure for the 18-23 age group, which peaked at 25% in 2006 before slipping back to approximately 18% by the end of the period. Meanwhile, the proportion of gym-goers in the 24-33 age group rose gradually, taking the lead from 2007 and becoming the largest group in 2010.

Regarding the remaining age brackets, these two also exhibited a similar trend, starting with a plateau and then increasing minimally from 1994 to 1998. The 34-43 age range continued to grow to 10%, while the other group leveled off at 6% until 2010.