The chart below gives information about how people aged 25-34 are housed in the UK.

The given bar chart gives information about the proportion of individuals who had owned their house or rented house in age from 25 to 34 over a period 10 years starting from 2004.
Overall, while the percentage of people who had their house witnessed a downward trend, the opposite trend was seen in the number of renters. In addition, the percentage of homeowners was the highest at the beginning of the period but it was overtaken by that of renters in the final year.
As can be seen from the bar chart between 2004 and 2006 , the proportion of people who had their house witnessed a slight decrease from under 60% to around 55% while that of rented house was an insignificant rise from 20% to nearly 25%.In the next 4 years, there was a dramatic decrease in the percentage of home ownership at 43% while a significant growth by 41% in that of rented homes.
From 2011 to 2012 , the proportion of people having their house remained unchanged . Similar to that , the percentage of houses rented was still 41%.
In 2013 marking the surpass of homeowners groups by renters groups. In next 2 years , the percentage of renting groups witnessed a strong increase at the highest point ( nearly 50% ) and there was a sharp decrease in homeowners groups at 35%.

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Errors and Improvements:

"gives information about" -> "provides data on"
Explanation: "Provides data on" is a more formal and precise phrase commonly used in academic or analytical writing.
"age from 25 to 34" -> "ages ranging from 25 to 34"
Explanation: "Ages ranging from 25 to 34" is a clearer and more grammatically correct way to express the age range.
"witnessed a downward trend" -> "experienced a decline"
Explanation: "Experienced a decline" is a more sophisticated and precise way to describe a decrease in percentage.
"opposite trend" -> "contrasting trend"
Explanation: "Contrasting trend" emphasizes the difference between the trends in homeownership and renting more effectively than "opposite trend."
"the highest at the beginning" -> "peaked initially"
Explanation: "Peaked initially" suggests a maximum point followed by a decline, which is more accurate in this context than "the highest at the beginning."
"but it was overtaken by" -> "but was surpassed by"
Explanation: "Surpassed by" is a more concise and formal alternative to "overtaken by."
"As can be seen from the bar chart" -> "As depicted in the bar chart"
Explanation: "As depicted in the bar chart" is a more formal and direct way to refer to the visual representation of data.
"witnessed a slight decrease" -> "experienced a marginal decline"
Explanation: "Experienced a marginal decline" adds precision and formality to the description of the decrease in homeownership percentage.
"insignificant rise" -> "modest increase"
Explanation: "Modest increase" is a more neutral and formal term to describe a slight rise in percentage.
"dramatic decrease" -> "significant decline"
Explanation: "Significant decline" conveys the magnitude of the decrease more effectively than "dramatic decrease."
"significant growth by 41%" -> "significant increase to 41%"
Explanation: "Significant increase to 41%" specifies the magnitude of the growth more clearly than "significant growth by 41%."
"From 2011 to 2012" -> "Between 2011 and 2012"
Explanation: "Between 2011 and 2012" is a more precise and conventional way to denote a specific time period.
"remained unchanged" -> "remained stable"
Explanation: "Remained stable" is a more formal and precise term to describe no change in percentage.
"Similar to that" -> "Likewise,"
Explanation: "Likewise," is a more concise and formal transition to indicate a similarity between two points.
"marking the surpass of homeowners groups by renters groups" -> "marking renters groups surpassing homeowners groups"
Explanation: This revision rearranges the phrase for clarity and smoother flow.
"witnessed a strong increase at the highest point" -> "experienced a substantial increase peaking"
Explanation: "Experienced a substantial increase peaking" provides a clearer description of the peak point in the increase of renting groups.
"there was a sharp decrease" -> "experienced a sharp decline"
Explanation: "Experienced a sharp decline" is a more formal and precise way to describe a significant decrease.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

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Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay adequately addresses the task by providing an overview of the trends in housing among individuals aged 25-34 in the UK over a 10-year period. The key features of the chart are presented, including the downward trend in home ownership and the corresponding increase in renting. The essay effectively highlights these key points.
How to improve: To improve, the essay could provide more specific details and ensure accuracy in reporting the data. Additionally, enhancing the coherence and cohesion of the essay by organizing the information more clearly and logically would strengthen the response.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay generally arranges information and ideas coherently, with a clear overall progression. It effectively presents an overview of the data and describes the trends observed in the bar chart. The essay transitions between different time periods and trends smoothly. However, there are some instances where cohesion within and between sentences is faulty or mechanical, leading to slightly unclear connections between ideas. For example, the transition between discussing the years 2011 to 2012 and 2013 could be smoother. Additionally, there are minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that slightly impede readability.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on ensuring that each sentence logically connects to the next, creating a smoother flow of ideas. Use transition words and phrases more consistently to guide the reader through the essay. Pay close attention to grammar and sentence structure to enhance clarity and readability. Finally, consider revising awkward phrasings to improve the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, covering the essential terms related to housing statistics such as "proportion," "rented house," and "homeownership." There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary, as evidenced by phrases like "dramatic decrease" and "significant growth," but with some inaccuracy in word choice and expression. While there are instances of repetition ("percentage," "house," "rented"), the essay manages to convey the information clearly. However, there are errors in word formation and spelling throughout the essay, such as "witnessed" instead of "saw," "homeowners groups" instead of "homeowner groups," and inconsistent capitalization ("renting groups" vs. "homeowners groups"). These errors do not impede communication significantly but affect the overall clarity and precision.

How to improve: To improve lexical resource, focus on using a wider variety of vocabulary, particularly synonyms for repetitive terms. Pay attention to word choice and accuracy in expression. Additionally, proofread the essay carefully to correct errors in spelling and word formation, ensuring consistency in language usage throughout the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, such as using subordinate clauses and compound sentences. However, there are some grammatical errors and inaccuracies throughout the essay, which occasionally affect clarity and precision. For instance, there are errors in subject-verb agreement ("the percentage… witnessed a slight decrease") and preposition usage ("in age from 25 to 34"). Additionally, some sentences lack clarity due to awkward phrasing and word choice, which may hinder communication for the reader. Despite these errors, the essay generally communicates the information effectively and provides a coherent response to the essay prompt.

How to improve:
To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on refining sentence structures and ensuring grammatical correctness. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and appropriate word choice. Reviewing and revising sentences for clarity and coherence can also enhance the overall quality of the essay. Additionally, practice using a wider variety of sentence structures to add complexity and richness to the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar chart delineates the housing situation of individuals aged 25 to 34 in the UK over a decade, commencing from 2004. Overall, a discernible decline is evident in the proportion of homeowners, juxtaposed with a notable surge in renters. Initially, homeownership stood as the predominant housing arrangement, albeit it was surpassed by renting by the conclusion of the period.

Between 2004 and 2006, there was a marginal decrease in the percentage of homeowners, declining from just below 60% to approximately 55%, while the proportion of rented accommodations experienced a slight increment from 20% to nearly 25%. Subsequently, over the ensuing four years, there was a significant plummet in the percentage of individuals owning their homes, reaching 43%, juxtaposed with a substantial rise to 41% in the proportion of rented residences.

From 2011 to 2012, the percentage of homeowners remained stagnant at 43%, echoing the consistency seen in the rented housing category, which also maintained at 41%. However, in 2013, renters surpassed homeowners, marking a pivotal shift in housing dynamics. Over the subsequent two years, the proportion of renters experienced a substantial surge, peaking at nearly 50%, while homeownership witnessed a sharp decline to 35%.