The chart below show depth of snow (cm) in particular ski resort in Canada in three individual years

The diagram gives information about how deep the snow is in a particular ski resort in Canada in three years.
Overall, there was a decrease in snow depth in February, March, and April, while November, December, and January remained fluctuating. In addition, the figures for February, March, and April were also significantly higher in the other months.
The amount of snow in February and March started at 450 cm in the first year, followed by a steady decrease of about 50 cm for the next two years, the figure for the final year in both months was approximately 350 cm. Similar changes can be seen in April, which the snow depth in the first year was shy of 400 cm, after which it experienced a dramatic rise to reach a peak at roughly 460 cm before ending the period at downward of 300 cm.
150 cm was the snow depth recorded in January in the first year, with a subsequent leveling off to about 100 cm in the second year and rising again to over 150 cm. A similar pattern but to much considerable extent was seen in December, hitting a trough of snow depth at upward of 50 cm in the second year. The figure for November fluctuated in a range from 80 cm to 110 cm.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"while November, December, and January remained fluctuating" -> "while November, December, and January exhibited fluctuations"
Explanation: "Remained fluctuating" is awkward phrasing. "Exhibited fluctuations" is a more concise and formal way to convey the same meaning.
"February and March started at 450 cm in the first year" -> "February and March commenced at a depth of 450 cm in the initial year"
Explanation: "Started at" can be replaced with "commenced at" for a more formal tone. "Depth" adds specificity to the measurement.
"after which it experienced a dramatic rise to reach a peak at roughly 460 cm before ending the period at downward of 300 cm" -> "after which it experienced a significant increase, reaching a peak of approximately 460 cm before declining to below 300 cm"
Explanation: "Dramatic rise" can be replaced with "significant increase" for precision. "Ending the period at downward of 300 cm" is awkward; "declining to below 300 cm" is clearer and more concise.
"150 cm was the snow depth recorded in January in the first year" -> "The snow depth recorded in January of the first year was 150 cm"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality.
"rising again to over 150 cm" -> "increasing again to surpass 150 cm"
Explanation: "Rising again" can be replaced with "increasing again" for variety and precision. "Surpass" adds emphasis to the depth exceeding 150 cm.
"Similar pattern but to much considerable extent" -> "A similar pattern, but to a much greater extent"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks clarity and is grammatically incorrect. Replacing "much considerable extent" with "a much greater extent" improves clarity and formality.
"hitting a trough of snow depth at upward of 50 cm" -> "reaching a minimum depth of over 50 cm"
Explanation: "Hitting a trough" is informal; "reaching a minimum depth" is clearer and more formal. "Upward of" can be replaced with "over" for clarity and conciseness.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

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Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the snow depth in a particular ski resort in Canada over three years. It adequately presents and highlights key features such as the changes in snow depth over different months and years. However, some details may be inaccurate or inappropriate, such as the statement "the figures for February, March, and April were also significantly higher in the other months," which is not supported by the data provided.
How to improve: To improve, ensure that all details provided are accurate and directly supported by the data presented. Additionally, try to provide a more cohesive and logical flow of information throughout the essay.
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Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, presenting a clear progression throughout. The introduction provides an overview of the data presented, and each paragraph focuses on a specific time period, allowing for clear organization. Cohesive devices are used appropriately to connect ideas, although there are occasional instances of repetitive language ("February, March, and April" is repeated). Paragraphing is sufficient and appropriate, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the data.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, strive for greater variety in cohesive devices to avoid repetition. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph maintains a consistent focus and avoids unnecessary repetition of information.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, covering the necessary terminology related to snow depth and seasonal changes. It attempts to use less common vocabulary such as "fluctuating" and "trough," though there are some inaccuracies and repetitions ("fluctuating" is repeated). The essay provides clear descriptions of the changes in snow depth over the three years, utilizing vocabulary appropriate to the topic.

However, there are some inaccuracies and inconsistencies in word choice and collocation, such as "shy of 400 cm" which could be expressed more precisely. The sentence structure is generally clear and coherent, aiding communication. There are some errors in word formation and spelling, such as "downward of" instead of "below," and the occasional missing article ("the") before nouns, which slightly impede understanding but do not prevent overall communication.

How to improve:
To improve lexical resource, aim for more precise and varied vocabulary. Avoid repetition of words like "fluctuating." Pay closer attention to word choice to ensure accuracy and clarity, and proofread carefully to correct spelling and word formation errors. Additionally, strive for smoother collocation of words to enhance fluency and coherence.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex structures, such as subordinate clauses and compound sentences. There is frequent usage of appropriate grammar and punctuation, contributing to a good level of control over language conventions. However, there are some errors present, albeit not to the extent that they significantly hinder communication. The essay effectively conveys the information despite occasional errors.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and sentence structure. Proofreading for errors such as missing articles or incorrect verb forms can further improve the clarity and precision of the essay. Additionally, expanding the range of sentence structures and incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary can elevate the overall quality of expression.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided diagram illustrates the snow depth (measured in centimeters) at a specific ski resort in Canada over the course of three consecutive years.

In general, there was a decline in snow depth during the months of February, March, and April, while November, December, and January exhibited fluctuations. Moreover, the snow depth in February, March, and April was notably higher compared to other months.

The snow depth in February and March commenced at 450 cm in the initial year, followed by a gradual decrease of approximately 50 cm over the subsequent two years. By the final year, the snow depth in these months reached around 350 cm. A similar trend is observable in April, where the snow depth began at just under 400 cm in the first year, then spiked to a peak of roughly 460 cm before concluding the period at slightly under 300 cm.

In January of the first year, the recorded snow depth was 150 cm, followed by a slight decrease to about 100 cm in the second year, and a subsequent increase to over 150 cm. A comparable pattern, albeit more pronounced, was observed in December, with the lowest snow depth recorded at slightly over 50 cm in the second year. The snow depth in November fluctuated between 80 cm and 110 cm.