the chart below show the depth of snow (cm) in particular ski resort in Canada in three individual months

The bar chart illustrates the depth of snow on a monthly basis in a specific ski resort in Canada over three different years.
Overall, there is a dramatic increase in the amount of snow fell in all three years. It is also clear that the last three month period consistently has the highest figure through the period.
In November, the average snow depth in all three years starts at around 110 cm, after which it sees a slight increase to 150 cm in year one and year three but a small fall in year two (60 cm) in November. The quantity of snow in year three has the highest snow depth in year January ( about 170 cm) annd the figure for year one and year three is lower, about 150 cm and 125 cm respectively.
Turning to the bar chart, the most noticeable is the similarities in the depth of snow of three differents years during the next two months, with respective figures being 450 cm, 400 cm and 350 cm. At the end of the period, year two has surpassed year one, which has the highest figure throughout the period( just shy of 500 cm) with 400 cm of year one and 300 cm in year three

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The bar chart illustrates" -> "The bar chart depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise and formal term than "illustrates" in the context of presenting data visually, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"depth of snow on a monthly basis" -> "monthly snow depth"
Explanation: "Monthly snow depth" is a more concise and formal way to express the same idea, aligning better with academic style by avoiding redundancy.
"dramatic increase" -> "significant increase"
Explanation: "Significant" is a more neutral and academically appropriate term compared to "dramatic," which can carry emotional connotations that are less suitable for formal writing.
"the last three month period" -> "the final three months"
Explanation: "The final three months" is grammatically correct and clearer than "the last three month period," which is awkwardly phrased.
"the highest figure" -> "the highest level"
Explanation: "Level" is more precise in this context, referring to the amount of snow, whereas "figure" can be ambiguous and less specific.
"annd" -> "and"
Explanation: This is a typographical error and should be corrected to "and" for proper spelling.
"the quantity of snow" -> "snow depth"
Explanation: "Snow depth" is a more specific term in this context, directly referring to the measure of snow, which is more precise than "quantity of snow."
"the most noticeable is the similarities" -> "the most striking feature is the similarity"
Explanation: "The most striking feature is the similarity" corrects the grammatical error and uses more formal language, enhancing the academic tone.
"differents" -> "different"
Explanation: This is a typographical error and should be corrected to "different" for proper spelling.
"respectively figures being" -> "respectively, the figures are"
Explanation: Adding a comma after "respectively" and changing "being" to "are" corrects the grammatical structure and improves readability.
"just shy of" -> "nearly"
Explanation: "Nearly" is a more formal and precise term than "just shy of," which is colloquial and less suitable for academic writing.

These changes refine the vocabulary and grammar to align with the standards of academic writing, enhancing clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends, and the data is not always presented accurately. For example, the essay states that the average snow depth in all three years starts at around 110 cm in November, but the chart shows that the average snow depth in year two is only 60 cm. The essay also states that the most noticeable is the similarities in the depth of snow of three different years during the next two months, but the chart shows that there are significant differences in the snow depth between the three years.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by presenting a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The essay should also be more accurate in its presentation of the data. For example, the essay should not state that the average snow depth in all three years starts at around 110 cm in November when the chart shows that the average snow depth in year two is only 60 cm. The essay should also avoid making general statements about the data without providing specific examples. For example, the essay should not state that the most noticeable is the similarities in the depth of snow of three different years during the next two months without providing specific examples of the similarities.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there are notable issues with overall progression. While it attempts to describe the data, the lack of clear referencing and substitution leads to repetition and confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which detracts from the clarity of the information presented. Additionally, paragraphing is not effectively utilized, as the ideas do not flow logically from one to the next, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow of ideas by using clear topic sentences for each paragraph. They should also ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately and effectively, avoiding repetition. Additionally, organizing the information in a more structured manner, such as clearly separating the discussion of each year or month, would help improve clarity. Finally, practicing the use of referencing and substitution can reduce redundancy and improve the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary appropriate for the task. It attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "dramatic increase" and "surpassed," but there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the amount of snow fell" instead of "the amount of snow that fell." Additionally, there are several spelling errors (e.g., "annd" instead of "and," "differents" instead of "different") and issues with word formation that detract from clarity. While the communication is generally effective, these errors prevent the essay from achieving a higher band score.

How to improve: To improve the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range and ensuring accuracy in word choice and collocation. Proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors would also enhance clarity. Incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and varied sentence structures can help convey precise meanings more effectively.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms. While there are attempts at complex sentences, they tend to be less accurate, leading to frequent grammatical errors. For instance, phrases like "the amount of snow fell" should be corrected to "the amount of snow that fell," and the use of "annd" is a typographical error. Additionally, the essay contains awkward phrasing and punctuation issues, such as missing commas and inconsistent use of numerals. These errors can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures, including more complex sentences with appropriate subordinate clauses. It is also essential to proofread for typographical and grammatical errors, ensuring that sentences are clear and coherent. Practicing the use of accurate punctuation and refining sentence construction will contribute to a more polished and effective writing style.

Bài sửa mẫu

In November, the average snow depth in all three years starts at around 110 cm, after which it sees a slight increase to 150 cm in the first and third years, but a small fall to 60 cm in the second year. The quantity of snow in the third year reaches the highest depth in January (about 170 cm), while the figures for the first and second years are lower, at approximately 150 cm and 125 cm, respectively.

Turning to the bar chart, the most noticeable aspect is the similarities in the depth of snow across the three different years during the subsequent two months, with respective figures being 450 cm, 400 cm, and 350 cm. At the end of the period, the second year has surpassed the first year, which had the highest figure throughout the period (just shy of 500 cm), with 400 cm recorded in the first year and 300 cm in the third year.