the chart below show the expenditure of two countries on consumer goods in 2010

The chart illustrates the expenditure of two countries on consumers:cars, computers,books,perfume,cameras in 2010.
Overall, it is clear that computers was the most attractive area of intertainment of working among both two countries in the year 2010.However perfume was use spartingly. In addition, the biggeat differentce was in the number of France and UK enrolling in cameras.
As you can see from the chart, cars had bearly number of France and UK with approximately 50,000 pounds sterling . The expenditure of France and UK where consumer books were relatively smaller, with 400,000 and 300,000 respectively .Similarly the figure of UK consumer choosing cameras as their working or intertainment (about 360,000) was also higher than that of France ones (about 150,000) pounds.
Looking at the chart in more details , the second most popular consumer among 2 countries was computers with 380,000 not to much differentce from UK ,whereas the number of consumee choosing perfume was significant lower with just nearly 50,000 pounds

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"consumers:cars, computers,books,perfume,cameras" -> "consumers: cars, computers, books, perfume, and cameras"
Explanation: The original list appears to be a typographical error. Adding "and" before "cameras" corrects the list and enhances readability.
"it is clear that computers was the most attractive area of intertainment of working" -> "it is evident that computers was the most popular area of entertainment for working"
Explanation: "Intertainment" is a non-standard term and should be replaced with "entertainment." Additionally, "attractive area of intertainment of working" is awkward and unclear; "most popular area of entertainment for working" is more precise and contextually appropriate.
"However perfume was use spartingly." -> "However, perfume was used sparingly."
Explanation: "Use" should be "used" to correct the verb tense consistency, and "sparingly" should be "sparingly" to correct the spelling error.
"the biggeat differentce" -> "the greatest difference"
Explanation: "Biggeat" is a typographical error and should be corrected to "greatest." "Differentce" is also incorrect and should be "difference."
"enrolling in cameras" -> "purchasing cameras"
Explanation: "Enrolling in cameras" is incorrect as "enroll" typically refers to educational or training activities. "Purchasing cameras" is the correct term for buying cameras.
"cars had bearly number of France and UK" -> "cars had barely any in France and the UK"
Explanation: "Bearly" is a typographical error and should be "barely." Also, "number of France and UK" is unclear; "barely any in France and the UK" clarifies the meaning.
"The expenditure of France and UK where consumer books were relatively smaller" -> "The expenditure on books in France and the UK was relatively smaller"
Explanation: "The expenditure of France and UK" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "The expenditure on books in France and the UK was relatively smaller" corrects these issues and clarifies the meaning.
"Similarly the figure of UK consumer choosing cameras" -> "Similarly, the number of UK consumers choosing cameras"
Explanation: "Figure of UK consumer" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Number of UK consumers choosing cameras" corrects these issues and is more precise.
"not to much differentce" -> "not much difference"
Explanation: "Not to much differentce" is grammatically incorrect. "Not much difference" corrects the spelling and grammar.
"consumee" -> "consumers"
Explanation: "Consumee" is a typographical error and should be corrected to "consumers" to maintain consistency with the rest of the text.
"Looking at the chart in more details" -> "Examining the chart in more detail"
Explanation: "Looking at the chart in more details" is grammatically incorrect. "Examining the chart in more detail" corrects the grammar and enhances the formality of the sentence.

These corrections and improvements enhance the clarity, grammatical accuracy, and formality of the text, aligning it with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4

Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task but does not cover all key features/bullet points. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay also confuses key features/bullet points with detail. For example, the essay states that "computers was the most attractive area of intertainment of working among both two countries in the year 2010" but does not provide any data to support this claim.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The essay should also focus on presenting the key features/bullet points of the data, rather than providing irrelevant details. The essay should also be more accurate in its presentation of the data. For example, the essay states that "the number of consumee choosing perfume was significant lower with just nearly 50,000 pounds" but the data shows that the expenditure on perfume was actually around 150,000 pounds.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 3

Band Score: 3

Explanation:
The essay is marked at Band 3 for Coherence and Cohesion. Here’s why:

Organisation: The essay lacks logical organisation. It jumps between different aspects of the data without a clear progression. It mentions various categories of consumer goods but does not effectively develop coherent paragraphs or logical sequencing of ideas.
Cohesive Devices: There is a very limited use of cohesive devices. The essay relies on basic linking words and phrases sporadically, which do not establish clear relationships between ideas or paragraphs.
Paragraphing: Paragraphing is inadequate. The essay lacks clear divisions into paragraphs that would logically separate different aspects of the data or ideas. Sentences are often run together without clear breaks.
Overall Progression: The essay lacks an overall progression of ideas. It does not systematically develop the comparisons between the countries or the consumer goods categories in a structured manner.

How to improve:
To improve coherence and cohesion to a higher band score (e.g., Band 4 or higher), the essay should:

Organise ideas logically: Ensure a clear introduction, body paragraphs that develop specific aspects of the data or comparisons, and a conclusion summarising key findings.
Use cohesive devices effectively: Employ a wider range of cohesive devices (e.g., conjunctions, pronouns, transition words) consistently throughout the essay to link ideas and create a smooth flow.
Implement clear paragraphing: Separate different ideas or aspects of the data into distinct paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea related to the topic.
Maintain overall progression: Develop a clear structure where each paragraph builds upon the previous one, creating a coherent flow of information and analysis.

By addressing these aspects, the essay can achieve a higher score in Coherence and Cohesion, reflecting better organisation and clarity in presenting information.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates basic vocabulary use, often repeated and sometimes inappropriate ("spartingly" instead of sparingly, "intertrainment" instead of entertainment). There are numerous errors in spelling ("bearly" instead of barely, "enrolling" instead of spending). The vocabulary range is limited, and there is little flexibility or precision in expression. The errors in word choice and word formation do cause strain for the reader, such as "biggeat," "choosing perfume was significant lower."

How to improve:
To improve the Lexical Resource score:

Expand Vocabulary: Use a wider range of vocabulary appropriate for describing charts and statistics, such as "expenditure," "consumption," "disparity," etc.
Accuracy in Word Choice: Ensure precise word choice and accurate spelling to convey meanings clearly.
Avoid Repetition: Use synonyms and varied sentence structures to enhance lexical variety.
Proofread for Errors: Check for spelling and word formation errors to maintain clarity and coherence in writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 3

Band Score: 3.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures and suffers from numerous errors that significantly impact clarity and coherence. The attempt to use complex sentences often results in inaccuracies and distortions of meaning. Errors in grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure predominate throughout the essay, making comprehension difficult at times.

How to improve:

Sentence Structure: Focus on constructing clearer and more coherent sentences. Avoid overly complex structures that lead to errors.
Grammar and Punctuation: Pay close attention to basic grammar rules and punctuation marks such as commas and periods.
Clarity and Accuracy: Aim for accuracy in expressing ideas. Review sentence constructions and ensure they convey intended meanings effectively.

Improving these areas will help in achieving a higher band score by enhancing the clarity and accuracy of the essay’s language use.

Bài sửa mẫu

The chart illustrates the expenditure of two countries on consumer goods in 2010, specifically cars, computers, books, perfume, and cameras.

Overall, it is evident that computers were the most significant expenditure category for both countries during the year 2010. However, perfume was used sparingly. Additionally, the most notable disparity between France and the UK was in spending on cameras.

As depicted in the chart, spending on cars was relatively low in both France and the UK, at approximately £50,000. Expenditure on books by consumers in France was £400,000, slightly higher than the £300,000 spent by consumers in the UK. Similarly, the UK spent about £360,000 on cameras, significantly more than the approximately £150,000 spent by consumers in France.

Looking into more detail, computers were the second most popular consumer item among the two countries, with expenditures reaching £380,000, a figure not substantially different from that of the UK. Conversely, spending on perfume was notably lower, totaling just under £50,000.