The chart below shows changes in exporting goods in a country in 2009 and 2010.

The table chart illustrates variations in the proportion of exported goods in a nation between 2009 and 2010.
Overall, both proportions of exported telecommunications and metals increased significantly in 2009 and 2010. In contrast, the percentage of clothing exported and manufacturing decreased.
Examining the chart closely, the number of exported equipment topped the list with $10.3 in 2009, then increased slightly to $11.6 in 2010 and got 13%. Additionally, telecommunication was invested in exports at $7.9 in 2009, after that witnessing a considerable growth to $12.7 in 2010 and reached 61%. Similarly, metals also experienced a dramatic increase to $4.1 in 2010, which gained up to 122%.
Turning to the exports of manufacturing had the lowest level at $5.5 in 2009, and continued to reduce to $4 at -27%. Lastly, there was a slight decrease to $1 in the figure for clothing exports from 2009 to 2010, which decreased to -17%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The table chart" -> "The table"
Explanation: "Table" is sufficient and more appropriate in academic writing, as "chart" is redundant when referring to a table.
"variations in the proportion of exported goods" -> "changes in the proportion of exported goods"
Explanation: "Changes" is a more precise term than "variations" in this context, as it directly implies a shift or alteration over time.
"both proportions of exported telecommunications and metals increased significantly" -> "the proportions of telecommunications and metals both increased significantly"
Explanation: Rearranging the phrase improves the sentence structure for clarity and formality.
"the percentage of clothing exported and manufacturing decreased" -> "the percentages of clothing and manufacturing exports decreased"
Explanation: Adding "exports" clarifies that the decrease refers to the export of these goods, enhancing precision.
"the number of exported equipment topped the list with $10.3" -> "the value of exported equipment peaked at $10.3"
Explanation: "Peaked" is more accurate than "topped the list," which is an idiomatic expression not suitable for formal academic writing. "Value" is also more precise than "number" in this context.
"then increased slightly to $11.6 in 2010 and got 13%" -> "then rose to $11.6 in 2010, representing a 13% increase"
Explanation: "Rose" is a more formal synonym for "increased," and "representing a 13% increase" is clearer and more academically appropriate than "got 13%."
"telecommunication was invested in exports at $7.9" -> "telecommunications exports totaled $7.9"
Explanation: "Telecommunications exports" is a more precise term than "telecommunication was invested in exports," which is awkward and unclear.
"witnessing a considerable growth" -> "experiencing significant growth"
Explanation: "Experiencing" is more direct and formal than "witnessing," which can imply passive observation rather than active participation.
"metals also experienced a dramatic increase to $4.1" -> "metals also saw a substantial increase to $4.1"
Explanation: "Saw" is more appropriate in this context than "experienced," and "substantial" is a more academic term than "dramatic."
"gained up to 122%" -> "increased by 122%"
Explanation: "Increased by" is a more standard and formal way to express percentage changes in academic writing.
"exports of manufacturing had the lowest level" -> "manufacturing exports had the lowest level"
Explanation: "Manufacturing exports" is a more precise and formal way to refer to the exports of manufactured goods.
"continued to reduce to $4 at -27%" -> "further decreased to $4, representing a 27% decline"
Explanation: "Further decreased" is more precise than "continued to reduce," and "representing a 27% decline" is clearer and more formal than "at -27%."
"there was a slight decrease to $1 in the figure for clothing exports" -> "the figure for clothing exports decreased slightly to $1"
Explanation: Reversing the order improves the sentence structure and clarity, aligning better with formal academic style.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task by providing an overview of the changes in exporting goods. However, the essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends. The essay also presents some key features, but the details are not fully extended. For example, the essay states that "the number of exported equipment topped the list with $10.3 in 2009, then increased slightly to $11.6 in 2010 and got 13%." This statement is not fully extended and does not provide a clear overview of the trend in equipment exports.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in exporting goods. The essay could also be improved by providing more detailed information about the key features of the data. For example, the essay could provide more information about the percentage change in each category of goods. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the trends in the data. For example, instead of saying "increased slightly," the essay could say "increased by 13%."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to describe the changes in exported goods, the logical flow between ideas is often unclear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which detracts from the clarity of the information presented. For instance, phrases like "Turning to the exports of manufacturing" could be more effectively linked to previous statements. Additionally, the paragraphing is not always logical, as the transition between different categories of goods is abrupt, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on creating clearer connections between ideas and ensuring a logical flow throughout the essay. This can be achieved by using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately and avoiding mechanical or repetitive use. Furthermore, organizing the information into well-defined paragraphs that each focus on a single aspect of the data will help improve clarity and progression. Finally, ensuring that all figures and percentages are presented accurately and contextually will strengthen the overall argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task, effectively conveying the main trends in the data presented. However, there are attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "telecommunication" and "dramatic increase," but inaccuracies in word choice and phrasing are present, particularly in the descriptions of the data (e.g., "topped the list with $10.3" is unclear and could be better articulated). Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "gained up to 122%" which is awkwardly phrased and could confuse the reader. These issues do not impede overall communication but do detract from the lexical sophistication expected at higher band levels.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision and accuracy. This includes avoiding awkward phrasing and ensuring that numerical data is presented clearly and logically. Additionally, incorporating more complex and varied sentence structures, along with careful proofreading to eliminate spelling and word formation errors, would contribute to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some grammatical errors present, they do not significantly impede communication. For instance, phrases like "the number of exported equipment topped the list with $10.3 in 2009" and "Turning to the exports of manufacturing had the lowest level at $5.5" show attempts at complex structures, but the latter contains a grammatical error that affects clarity. Additionally, the use of figures and percentages is somewhat inconsistent, which can lead to confusion. Overall, the essay meets the criteria for Band 6 due to its reasonable range of grammatical structures and the presence of errors that are not overly disruptive.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by proofreading for errors and ensuring that complex sentences are structured correctly. Increasing the variety of sentence structures and ensuring that all sentences are clear and error-free would also contribute to a higher score. Additionally, providing clearer transitions and maintaining consistency in the presentation of data would improve overall coherence and cohesion.

Bài sửa mẫu

The table chart illustrates variations in the proportion of exported goods in a nation between 2009 and 2010. Overall, the proportions of exported telecommunications and metals increased significantly from 2009 to 2010, while the percentages of clothing and manufacturing exports decreased.

Examining the chart closely, the number of exported equipment topped the list with $10.3 billion in 2009, then increased slightly to $11.6 billion in 2010, reflecting a growth of 13%. Additionally, telecommunications exports were valued at $7.9 billion in 2009, witnessing considerable growth to $12.7 billion in 2010, which represented an increase of 61%. Similarly, metals also experienced a dramatic rise, reaching $4.1 billion in 2010, which marked an increase of 122%.

Turning to manufacturing exports, this category had the lowest value at $5.5 billion in 2009 and continued to decline to $4 billion in 2010, reflecting a decrease of 27%. Lastly, there was a slight decrease in clothing exports, which fell from $1.2 billion in 2009 to $1 billion in 2010, representing a decline of 17%.