The chart below shows global sales of the top five mobile phone brands between 2009 and 2013.

The chart compares the sales of the top five mobile phone brands worldwide from 2009 to 2013.
In general, it can be clearly seen that Samsung, Apple and ZTE experienced an upward trend, while Nokia and LG witnessed a downward trend. Remarkably, the number of cell phones sold by Samsung and Nokia were the highest during 5 years.
At the beginning 2009, the number of cell phones sold by Samsung and Nokia stood at about 220 and 450 million units. Over the following 4 years, the figure for Samsung increased noticeably and reach a peak at 450 million mobile phones. By contrast, there was a significant decreased to 250 million unit in the Nokia's sales.
In the other hand, the figure for Apple rose dramatically from 10 million units in 2009 to 150 million units in 2013, while the number of cell phones sold by LG declined rapidly from 130 million units to 70 million units over the 5-year period. In addition, ZTE sold about 50 million mobile phones in 2009 and the figure remain unchanged between 2011 and 2013.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In general, it can be clearly seen" -> "It is evident"
Explanation: "It is evident" is more concise and academically formal than "it can be clearly seen," which is somewhat redundant and verbose.
"experienced an upward trend" -> "exhibited an upward trend"
Explanation: "Exhibited" is more precise and formal, fitting better in academic writing than the more casual "experienced."
"witnessed a downward trend" -> "experienced a decline"
Explanation: "Experienced a decline" is a more precise and formal way to describe a decrease in sales, replacing the less specific "witnessed a downward trend."
"Remarkably, the number of cell phones sold by Samsung and Nokia were the highest during 5 years." -> "Notably, Samsung and Nokia recorded the highest sales figures over the five-year period."
Explanation: "Notably" is more formal than "Remarkably," and "recorded the highest sales figures" is more precise and formal than "the number of cell phones sold."
"At the beginning 2009" -> "In the beginning of 2009"
Explanation: "In the beginning of" is grammatically correct and more formal than the incorrect "At the beginning."
"noticeably and reach" -> "noticeably and reached"
Explanation: "Reached" should be used in the past tense to maintain consistency with the past tense of the verb "increased."
"there was a significant decreased" -> "there was a significant decrease"
Explanation: "Decrease" should be used as a noun, not a verb, in this context, correcting the grammatical error.
"In the other hand" -> "On the other hand"
Explanation: "On the other hand" is the correct idiomatic expression, whereas "In the other hand" is incorrect.
"rose dramatically" -> "increased significantly"
Explanation: "Increased significantly" is a more formal and precise term than "rose dramatically," which is somewhat colloquial.
"declined rapidly" -> "decreased substantially"
Explanation: "Decreased substantially" is more formal and precise than "declined rapidly," which can be seen as slightly informal.
"the figure remain unchanged" -> "the figure remained unchanged"
Explanation: "Remained" should be used in the past participle form to match the past tense of the verb "remained," correcting the grammatical error.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task and presents an overview of the information. The essay highlights the key features of the chart, such as the upward trend of Samsung, Apple, and ZTE, and the downward trend of Nokia and LG. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features and some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the number of cell phones sold by Samsung and Nokia were the highest during 5 years, but this is not accurate. The essay also states that ZTE sold about 50 million mobile phones in 2009 and the figure remained unchanged between 2011 and 2013, but this is not accurate.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate and relevant details. The essay could also be improved by providing a more detailed overview of the trends in the chart. For example, the essay could discuss the rate of change in sales for each brand. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language. For example, instead of saying "increased noticeably," the essay could say "increased significantly."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information coherently and shows a clear overall progression. The main trends are identified, and there is an attempt to organize the information logically. However, there are issues with the use of cohesive devices, such as "In the other hand," which should be "On the other hand," indicating a lack of precision in language use. Additionally, the paragraphing is present but could be improved for better clarity and logical flow. The referencing is somewhat unclear, particularly in the transition between ideas and data points.
How to improve: To enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices correctly and avoiding mechanical phrases. Improving the clarity of referencing and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic will also help. Additionally, refining the paragraph structure to ensure logical flow between ideas will contribute to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary appropriate for the task, with some attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the number of cell phones sold by Samsung and Nokia were the highest" (should be "was the highest") and "a significant decreased" (should be "decrease"). Additionally, there are errors in spelling and word formation, such as "remain unchanged" (should be "remained unchanged"). These errors do not severely impede communication but do detract from the overall quality of the lexical resource.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision. This includes ensuring correct word forms and collocations, as well as minimizing spelling errors. Practicing the use of synonyms and less common vocabulary in context can also help. Additionally, reviewing grammar rules related to subject-verb agreement and verb tenses will improve clarity and accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some grammatical errors and issues with punctuation, they do not significantly hinder communication. The writer attempts to use a variety of structures, but there are noticeable inaccuracies in verb forms and sentence construction. For instance, phrases like "the figure for Samsung increased noticeably and reach a peak" contain grammatical errors that affect clarity. Additionally, the use of "In the other hand" should be "On the other hand," which reflects a lack of precision in language use.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on improving grammatical accuracy and expanding their range of complex structures. This can be done by practicing the correct use of verb tenses and ensuring that subject-verb agreements are maintained. Additionally, reviewing sentence connectors and transitional phrases will enhance coherence and flow. Regular practice with feedback on grammar and punctuation will also be beneficial in reducing errors and increasing overall accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The chart compares the sales of the top five mobile phone brands worldwide from 2009 to 2013.

In general, it can be clearly seen that Samsung, Apple, and ZTE experienced an upward trend, while Nokia and LG witnessed a downward trend. Remarkably, the number of cell phones sold by Samsung and Nokia was the highest during the five years.

At the beginning of 2009, the number of cell phones sold by Samsung and Nokia stood at about 220 million and 450 million units, respectively. Over the following four years, the figure for Samsung increased noticeably, reaching a peak of 450 million mobile phones. By contrast, there was a significant decrease to 250 million units in Nokia’s sales.

On the other hand, the figure for Apple rose dramatically from 10 million units in 2009 to 150 million units in 2013, while the number of cell phones sold by LG declined rapidly from 130 million units to 70 million units over the five-year period. In addition, ZTE sold about 50 million mobile phones in 2009, and the figure remained unchanged between 2011 and 2013.