The chart below shows the changes that took place in three different areas of crime in Newport city centre from 2003-2012.

The paragraph illustrated the movements happening in three different areas of crime in Newport city center over a 9-year period starting from 2003 to 2012.
Overall, there was a downward trend in the number of burglaries while that of car theft and robbery stayed unchanged. It is also noticeable that the most significant change can be seen in the figure for burglary.
Regarding to car theft, the number of criminals remained stable at 2900 from 2003 to 2005. It dropped considerably to 2000 in 2006 and climbed up to the number 2900 in 2012. When it comes to robbery, after growing moderately from 600 to 950 in the span of 2 years, the rate of robbers decreased gradually to 500 in 2008. Then it had a slight fluctuation and reached the original number 600 in 2012.
About the burglary, starting from 3400 in 2003, the number of incidents reached a peak at 3800 in 2004, hitting the bottom at 1100 in 2008, and then slightly climbed up to 1400 during the last year.

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Errors and Improvements:

"The paragraph illustrated the movements happening in three different areas of crime" -> "The paragraph depicted the fluctuations occurring in three distinct crime categories"
Explanation: "Movements happening" is a colloquial phrase that can be replaced with "fluctuations occurring" for a more formal tone. "Areas of crime" can be replaced with "crime categories" for clarity and precision.
"stayed unchanged" -> "remained constant"
Explanation: "Stayed unchanged" is redundant; "remained constant" succinctly conveys the same meaning with a more precise term.
"It is also noticeable" -> "It is noteworthy"
Explanation: "It is also noticeable" is vague and can be replaced with "It is noteworthy" for a more formal expression.
"Regarding to car theft" -> "Regarding car theft"
Explanation: The phrase "Regarding to" is incorrect; "Regarding" suffices as a preposition to introduce the topic.
"the number of criminals remained stable" -> "the incidence rate remained stable"
Explanation: "Number of criminals" may imply the count of individuals, while "incidence rate" refers to the occurrence of the crime, which is a more accurate term in this context.
"climbed up to the number 2900" -> "rose to 2900"
Explanation: "Climbed up to the number" is verbose; "rose to" is more concise and appropriate.
"When it comes to robbery" -> "Regarding robbery"
Explanation: "When it comes to" is informal; "Regarding" maintains formality and clarity.
"after growing moderately" -> "following a moderate increase"
Explanation: "After growing moderately" can be refined to "following a moderate increase" for clarity and formality.
"the rate of robbers" -> "the incidence of robberies"
Explanation: "Rate of robbers" is unclear; "incidence of robberies" specifies the occurrence of the crime itself.
"Then it had a slight fluctuation" -> "Subsequently, there was a slight fluctuation"
Explanation: "Then it had" is imprecise; "Subsequently, there was" provides a clearer temporal sequence.
"About the burglary" -> "Regarding burglary"
Explanation: "About the burglary" is awkward; "Regarding burglary" is more concise and appropriate.
"reached a peak at" -> "peaked at"
Explanation: "Reached a peak at" is wordy; "peaked at" is a more concise alternative.
"hitting the bottom" -> "reaching a minimum"
Explanation: "Hitting the bottom" is colloquial; "reaching a minimum" is more formal and precise.
"and then slightly climbed up to" -> "and then gradually increased to"
Explanation: "Slightly climbed up to" can be replaced with "gradually increased to" for clarity and precision.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the changes in three different areas of crime in Newport city center over a specified period. It presents a clear overview of the main trends in burglaries, car thefts, and robberies over the years 2003-2012.
How to improve: To improve, the essay could further extend the presentation of key features/bullet points. Provide more detailed analysis and explanation of the data presented, demonstrating a deeper understanding of the trends observed in the chart. Additionally, ensure that the essay maintains a consistent academic tone throughout.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay presents information with some organization, offering a clear introduction and overview of the data presented in the chart. However, there is a lack of overall progression in the essay, as the information is presented in a somewhat disjointed manner. The essay jumps between discussing the three types of crime without a clear flow or connection between them. Additionally, there are some instances of repetitive language use, such as repeatedly mentioning "the number of" without variation. Paragraphing is used, but it could be more logically structured to enhance coherence.

While some cohesive devices are used, such as transitional phrases like "Regarding to" and "When it comes to", their effectiveness is limited, and there are instances of inaccurate or awkward usage ("the number 2900"). Furthermore, there is a lack of clarity in referencing specific data points from the chart, leading to potential confusion for the reader.

How to improve:

Focus on organizing information in a more structured manner, ensuring a clear progression throughout the essay. Group related information together to create coherence.
Vary language usage to avoid repetitive phrases and enhance readability.
Use cohesive devices more effectively to connect ideas and create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs.
Ensure clear referencing to specific data points from the chart to enhance clarity and precision in the discussion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, covering the key aspects of the chart. It effectively describes the trends in crime over the specified time period, utilizing terms such as "downward trend," "considerably dropped," "moderately growing," "decreased gradually," and "slight fluctuation." The vocabulary choice is generally appropriate for the topic, with attempts made to incorporate some less common vocabulary like "burglary," "car theft," and "robbery." However, there are instances where word choice could be improved for precision and sophistication. For example, using "criminals" to refer to the perpetrators of car theft may not be the most accurate or formal term. Additionally, there are minor errors in word formation and spelling, such as "the paragraph illustrated" instead of "the chart illustrates" and "the number of incidents reached a peak at 3800" instead of "peaked at 3800 incidents." These errors do not significantly impede communication but could be refined for clarity and accuracy.

How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource of the essay, focus on incorporating a wider variety of vocabulary that is more precise and contextually appropriate. Use terms specific to crime and statistical analysis to convey information more effectively. Additionally, pay attention to word choice and ensure accuracy in word formation and spelling to improve the overall clarity and sophistication of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. There is an attempt to vary the sentence structures, but some sentences are overly simplistic, lacking complexity. The essay generally communicates the intended message, but there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation that occasionally affect clarity. For example, there are errors such as "The paragraph illustrated" instead of "The chart illustrates," and "the movements happening" could be revised to "the changes that occurred." Additionally, there are some awkward phrasings like "the number of criminals remained stable" which could be improved for clarity and fluency.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, strive for a more diverse range of sentence structures, incorporating both simple and complex sentences effectively. Work on eliminating errors in grammar and punctuation to improve overall clarity and coherence. Proofreading the essay carefully and revising awkward phrasings would contribute to a higher band score. Additionally, pay attention to using appropriate vocabulary and expressions to convey ideas more precisely and effectively.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided paragraph illustrates the changes that occurred in three distinct categories of crime within Newport city center over a span of nine years, from 2003 to 2012.

Overall, there was a noticeable decline in the incidence of burglaries, whereas instances of car theft and robbery remained relatively constant. Particularly noteworthy is the significant shift observed in the frequency of burglaries.

In terms of car theft, the number of offenses remained steady at 2900 from 2003 to 2005, experienced a notable decrease to 2000 in 2006, and then returned to the original figure of 2900 by 2012. Regarding robbery, following a modest increase from 600 to 950 within two years, the occurrence of robberies gradually decreased to 500 in 2008, with slight fluctuations bringing the number back to 600 by 2012.

Concerning burglary, the figures rose from 3400 in 2003 to a peak of 3800 in 2004, sharply declined to 1100 in 2008, and subsequently rose slightly to 1400 by the end of the period.