The chart below shows the percentage of Australian Exports to 4 countries from 1990 to 2012

The line graph gives data about the percentage of goods exported from Australia to the four countries Japan, the U.S, China and India between 1990 and 2012.

Overall, the percentage of exports to China and India increased, whereas there was a downward trend in the figures for that of Japan and U.S. throughout the period. Moreover, Japan remained the leading export country before getting surpassed by China in 2005.

Looking at the chart in more detail, starting at under 5 per cent, China and India exported the least out of the 4 countries in 1990. In the following 10 years, the former witnessed a slight rise to 5 per cent in 2000, while the latter stayed unchanged. After rising significantly, the export proportion in India dropped back to exactly 5 per cent in 2012, in comparison with a substantial incline of almost 25 per cent in China at the end of the period.

Being the top export countries in 1990, over 10 per cent and 25 per cent were seen in U.S and Japan respectively. In Japan, after a remarkable fall to precisely 20 per cent, the figure continued dropping gradually till the end of the period and was surpassed by China in 2005. Meanwhile, 1995 witnessed a slight decrease to around 7.5 per cent, followed by a slight fluctuation from 1995 to 2012.

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Errors and Improvements:

"gives data about" -> "depicts data regarding"
Explanation: Replacing "gives data about" with "depicts data regarding" adds sophistication to the language and avoids repetition.
"percentage of goods exported" -> "export percentage"
Explanation: Simplifying "percentage of goods exported" to "export percentage" maintains clarity while reducing wordiness.
"whereas there was a downward trend in the figures for that of Japan and U.S." -> "while the figures for Japan and the U.S. experienced a downward trend."
Explanation: Rearranging the sentence structure and specifying "the U.S." instead of using the abbreviation improves clarity and formality.
"In the following 10 years" -> "Over the subsequent decade"
Explanation: Substituting "In the following 10 years" with "Over the subsequent decade" enhances variety in vocabulary and sophistication.
"witnessed a slight rise" -> "experienced a marginal increase"
Explanation: Replacing "witnessed a slight rise" with "experienced a marginal increase" elevates the language by using more precise and descriptive terminology.
"the latter stayed unchanged" -> "the latter remained unchanged"
Explanation: "Stayed unchanged" can be replaced with "remained unchanged" for a more formal and precise expression.
"After rising significantly" -> "Following a significant rise"
Explanation: Changing "After rising significantly" to "Following a significant rise" maintains the flow of the sentence while employing a more advanced structure.
"drop back to exactly 5 per cent" -> "drop back to precisely 5 percent"
Explanation: Using "precisely" instead of "exactly" adds a touch of formality, and writing out "percent" instead of using the symbol is preferred in formal writing.
"substantial incline" -> "significant increase"
Explanation: "Substantial incline" can be replaced with "significant increase" for clearer and more formal language.
"Being the top export countries" -> "As the primary exporting nations"
Explanation: Substituting "Being the top export countries" with "As the primary exporting nations" offers a more refined and concise expression.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing a clear overview of the main trends in Australian exports to the four countries mentioned. It presents the key features of the data, highlighting the changes in export percentages over the period from 1990 to 2012. The trends of increasing exports to China and India and decreasing exports to Japan and the

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay logically organizes information, providing a clear progression from the introduction to the analysis of data. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the data, such as trends over time or comparisons between countries. Cohesive devices are used appropriately to connect ideas and maintain coherence, though there are minor instances of underuse, particularly in transitions between sentences. The central topic of each paragraph is clearly presented, aiding the overall coherence of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, ensure a smoother transition between sentences and paragraphs. Consider using a wider variety of cohesive devices consistently throughout the essay. Additionally, strive for more precise referencing and substitution to avoid any potential repetition and improve the flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to convey the information effectively. It appropriately uses terminology such as "percentage," "exported," and "proportion" to discuss the data presented in the chart. Additionally, it employs a variety of vocabulary to describe trends, including "increased," "downward trend," "surpassed," "witnessed," and "fluctuation." There is some attempt to use less common lexical items, such as "remarkable fall" and "substantial incline." The essay also shows awareness of style and collocation, maintaining coherence and cohesion throughout.

How to improve:
To enhance lexical resource further, consider incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and idiomatic expressions where appropriate. Aim for greater precision and nuance in word choice to elevate the sophistication of the language. Additionally, ensure consistent accuracy in word formation and spelling to minimize errors and maximize clarity.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.5

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, with a decent attempt at using a variety of structures. There is a good balance between simple and complex sentences, although some sentences could be further developed for clarity and cohesion. The essay effectively communicates the trends presented in the chart, utilizing a mix of sentence structures to convey information.

How to improve: To improve the score, strive for greater diversity and complexity in sentence structures. Incorporate more varied sentence types, such as compound and compound-complex sentences, to enhance the overall fluency and sophistication of the essay. Additionally, pay close attention to punctuation and ensure its accuracy throughout the essay to further enhance clarity and readability.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided line graph illustrates the proportion of goods exported from Australia to four distinct countries, namely Japan, the U.S., China, and India, over the period from 1990 to 2012.

Overall, there was a noticeable divergence in export trends among the mentioned countries throughout the specified timeframe. Notably, while the percentage of exports to China and India experienced a consistent upward trajectory, there was a discernible decline in exports to Japan and the U.S. over the same period. Furthermore, Japan initially held the position as the primary export destination, only to be overtaken by China in 2005.

Examining the data in more detail, it is evident that China and India started with relatively modest export percentages, both below 5% in 1990. Subsequently, China experienced a gradual increase, reaching nearly 25% by 2012, whereas India’s export proportion fluctuated, eventually settling back to 5% by the end of the period.

Contrastingly, the U.S. and Japan began with higher export percentages in 1990, with figures exceeding 10% and 25%, respectively. However, Japan’s exports experienced a notable decline, dropping to approximately 20% by 2005 and continuing to decrease steadily thereafter. Conversely, the U.S. witnessed a more gradual decline in export percentages over the period, with slight fluctuations from 1995 onwards.