The chart below shows the percentage of male and female teachers in six different types of educational setting in the UK in 2010.

The chart provided offers a comparative analysis of the engagement of men and women in six categories of educational levels in the UK in the year of 2010.
Overall, a striking feature that stands out immediately is that female consistently outperformed male in nursery or pre-school, primary school, and secondary school. While private training institute and university were more male-dominated.
According to the chart, women in 2019 were the most likely to be presented in nursery school and primary school, consisting of around 98% and 91% respectively. Secondary level seek a less significant gender gap, while men made up 45%, women accounted for above 50% of a whole.
A opposite trend could be possibly seen in private educational institute and university. Figure of men’s participation was highest in uni, at exactly 70% compared to 30% of women in the same setting, followed by a proportion of approximately 55% engaging in private training institute. Equality was witnessed at college level, where both gender’s presence consisted of 50% each.

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Errors and Improvements:

"engagement" -> "participation"
Explanation: "Participation" is a more precise term when discussing involvement in educational levels.
"female" -> "females"
Explanation: When referring to a group of females, it’s grammatically correct to use the plural form.
"outperformed" -> "outnumbered"
Explanation: "Outnumbered" better reflects the idea that there were more females than males in certain educational levels, rather than implying superiority.
"nursery or pre-school" -> "nursery or preschool"
Explanation: The hyphen is unnecessary in this compound noun.
"private training institute" -> "private training institutes"
Explanation: Since multiple institutes are being discussed, the plural form should be used.
"uni" -> "university"
Explanation: "University" is a more formal and appropriate term for academic institutions.
"a opposite trend" -> "an opposite trend"
Explanation: "An" is the correct indefinite article to use before a word starting with a vowel sound.
"Figure of men’s participation" -> "The percentage of men’s participation"
Explanation: Clarifies the subject and provides a more precise description of the data being discussed.
"uni" -> "university"
Explanation: Maintains consistency in terminology and formal language.
"Equality was witnessed at college level" -> "Gender parity was observed at the college level"
Explanation: "Gender parity" is a more specific term indicating equal representation of both genders.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing a clear overview of the main trends in male and female engagement across different educational settings in the UK in 2010. Key features are presented and highlighted, such as the dominance of females in nursery, primary, and secondary schools, and the prevalence of males in private educational institutes and universities. The essay provides relevant data from the chart to support the description of gender distribution across the educational settings.

How to improve:
To improve, the essay could extend the analysis of key features in each educational setting, providing more detailed information where possible. Additionally, ensuring precision in language usage and grammar would enhance clarity and coherence in conveying the information.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay generally arranges information coherently and maintains an overall clear progression, which aligns with a Band 6 score. It successfully describes the key trends in the data and uses some cohesive devices to connect ideas, though some usage could be more effective or less mechanical. The paragraphing is present, but some transitions between ideas are abrupt or unclear, leading to a lack of smooth cohesion at times.

How to improve:

Enhance Cohesion: Work on using cohesive devices more naturally and effectively. This includes conjunctions, pronouns, and linking words that can help guide the reader through the essay without causing confusion.
Improve Transitions: Ensure that transitions between ideas and paragraphs are clear and logical. This can be achieved by adding introductory or concluding sentences to each paragraph.
Clarify Paragraphing: While paragraphing is used, ensure each paragraph has a distinct central topic and flows logically to the next. Consider refining the structure to avoid abrupt transitions or confusing jumps between ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay utilizes an adequate range of vocabulary, covering the basic requirements for the task. It effectively communicates the main points and trends presented in the chart. There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary, but some inaccuracies are present, such as "opposite trend" instead of "contrasting trend," and "Figure of men’s participation" which could be better phrased. Additionally, there are some errors in word formation and spelling, such as "2019" instead of "2010" and "uni" instead of "university." However, these errors do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To improve the Lexical Resource score, the essay could benefit from using more varied and precise vocabulary throughout. Avoiding errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation would also enhance the clarity and sophistication of the essay. Reviewing and proofreading for accuracy and appropriateness of vocabulary would be beneficial. Additionally, striving for more sophisticated expressions and precise terminology could elevate the lexical quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. It covers the main points of the chart and provides an overview of the data, including gender percentages in different educational settings. There is an attempt at using a variety of sentence structures, although some errors in grammar and punctuation are noticeable, which slightly reduce communication clarity.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on using more complex sentence structures consistently. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and punctuation rules. Proofreading for errors before finalizing the essay can help reduce grammatical mistakes and enhance overall clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided chart presents a comparative overview of the involvement of male and female educators across six distinct educational categories in the UK during 2010.

Overall, a conspicuous observation is the consistent predominance of females in nursery or pre-school, primary school, and secondary school settings, contrasting with the predominantly male presence in private training institutes and universities.

In detail, it is evident that in 2010, women were highly represented in nursery schools and primary schools, constituting approximately 98% and 91% respectively. At the secondary level, although the gender gap is less pronounced, women still surpassed men, comprising over 50% of the total.

Conversely, a contrasting trend is observed in private educational institutes and universities, where male participation was notably higher. Specifically, approximately 70% of individuals in university settings were male, while only 30% were female. Similarly, about 55% of participants in private training institutes were male.

Equality in gender representation was apparent at the college level, with both genders comprising 50% each of the total presence.