The chart below shows the percentage of people born in and outside of Australia living in cities, towns, and rural areas in 1950 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features of the graph and make comparisons where relevant.

The graphs illustrate the percentage of people living in cities, towns and rural areas in Australia over a period of 60 years starting from 1950 in terms of those born in Australia and those born elsewhere.
As can be seen from the graph, it is clearly evident that the proportion of people living in cities in both groups experienced significant shifts. It is also apparent that throughout the given timescale living in cities showed a dominant trend.
Regarding people born in Australia, the percentage of people living in cities was accounted for 50% before growing promptly to south of 65%. The number of people that lived in towns exhibited a reverse trend as it slightly dropped around 2%. Likewise, the population in rural areas experienced a two-fold decrease within the given years.
As for people born elsewhere, the number of people that lived in cities was 60% in 1950, followed by a dramatic increase to 80% in 2010. By contrast, the portion of those who lived in rural areas was accounted for 40% in 1950, hitting the bottom line at 5% in 2010.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"As can be seen from the graph" -> "It is evident from the graph"
Explanation: "It is evident from the graph" is a more formal and concise way to introduce the observation, enhancing the academic tone of the analysis.
"significant shifts" -> "substantial changes"
Explanation: "Substantial changes" is a more precise term that conveys the magnitude of the shifts more effectively in an academic context.
"showed a dominant trend" -> "exhibited a prevailing trend"
Explanation: "Exhibited a prevailing trend" is more formal and precise, fitting better in an academic essay.
"promptly to south of 65%" -> "rapidly increased to over 65%"
Explanation: "Rapidly increased to over 65%" is clearer and more accurate, avoiding the informal and unclear "south of."
"the number of people that lived in towns exhibited a reverse trend" -> "the population in towns displayed a declining trend"
Explanation: "Displayed a declining trend" is more precise and formal, replacing the less formal "exhibited a reverse trend."
"slightly dropped around 2%" -> "declined by approximately 2%"
Explanation: "Declined by approximately 2%" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing.
"the population in rural areas experienced a two-fold decrease" -> "the rural population underwent a two-fold decline"
Explanation: "Underwent a two-fold decline" is more formal and specific, improving the academic tone.
"the number of people that lived in cities was 60%" -> "the urban population comprised 60%"
Explanation: "The urban population comprised 60%" is more formal and precise, avoiding the informal "the number of people that lived."
"followed by a dramatic increase to 80%" -> "subsequently rose to 80%"
Explanation: "Subsequently rose to 80%" is more formal and avoids the emotional connotation of "dramatic," which is not typically used in academic writing.
"hitting the bottom line at 5%" -> "reached a low of 5%"
Explanation: "Reached a low of 5%" is a more formal and precise way to describe the decline, replacing the colloquial "hitting the bottom line."

These changes refine the vocabulary to better suit an academic essay, enhancing clarity, precision, and formality.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main features of the graph, including the significant shifts in the proportion of people living in cities for both groups. It also highlights the dominant trend of living in cities throughout the given timescale. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features/bullet points, and some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the number of people living in towns exhibited a reverse trend as it slightly dropped around 2%, but the graph shows that the percentage of people living in towns actually increased slightly for both groups.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific and accurate details about the changes in the percentages of people living in each area. For example, the essay could state that the percentage of people living in cities for those born in Australia increased by 15% between 1950 and 2010, while the percentage of people living in rural areas decreased by 15%. The essay could also provide more comparisons between the two groups, such as noting that the percentage of people living in cities for those born outside of Australia increased by 20% between 1950 and 2010, which is a larger increase than for those born in Australia.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay presents information with some organization, covering the main trends of urban, town, and rural residency for people born in and outside Australia from 1950 to 2010. It attempts to compare percentages across time for different groups. However, there are notable issues that prevent a higher score. The progression of ideas lacks clarity and coherence in some parts, particularly in transitions between paragraphs and within sentences. While some cohesive devices are used, such as "as can be seen," "likewise," and "by contrast," their effectiveness is inconsistent, leading to occasional lack of clarity in relationships between ideas. Paragraphing is attempted but lacks logical structure in places, affecting the overall coherence.

How to improve:

Logical Organization: Ensure a clearer structure with a defined introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph should focus on a specific aspect of the data.
Cohesive Devices: Use cohesive devices more effectively to establish clear relationships between ideas and paragraphs. Ensure they are used consistently and appropriately.
Paragraphing: Ensure that paragraphs are logically organized, each focusing on a main idea or trend, and use topic sentences to guide the reader through the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates some ability to organize and present information but would benefit from more consistent coherence and cohesion to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary appropriate for the task. There is an attempt to vary vocabulary with phrases like "significant shifts", "dominant trend", and "experienced a reverse trend", although some inaccuracies and awkward phrasing are present ("growing promptly to south of 65%", "hit the bottom line at 5%"). The vocabulary is sufficient to convey the main features of the chart, though some expressions lack precision and clarity.

How to improve:
To improve lexical resource:

Use more precise and accurate vocabulary where possible.
Ensure phrasing is clear and grammatically correct.
Work on reducing inaccuracies and awkward expressions to enhance clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. It attempts to vary sentence forms but contains noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation throughout. The communication is generally clear, though errors occasionally affect clarity.

How to improve:
To improve to a higher band score, focus on enhancing the variety and complexity of sentence structures while striving for greater accuracy in grammar and punctuation. Pay attention to verb agreement, sentence fragments, and the correct use of punctuation marks.

Bài sửa mẫu

The charts depict the distribution of individuals residing in urban areas, towns, and rural regions in Australia between 1950 and 2010, categorized by nativity—Australian-born and foreign-born.

It is clear from the data that there were notable shifts in the urban residency rates for both groups over the 60-year period. Urban living consistently dominated throughout the timeframe.

For Australian-born residents, the percentage residing in cities stood at approximately 50% in 1950, which increased steadily to just under 65% by 2010. Conversely, the proportion living in towns showed a slight decline of around 2%, while rural residency experienced a significant decrease, halving over the years.

In contrast, for foreign-born individuals, the urban residency rate was notably higher, starting at 60% in 1950 and sharply rising to 80% by 2010. Conversely, rural residency for this group started at 40% in 1950 and plummeted to a mere 5% by 2010.

Overall, the charts highlight a consistent trend towards urbanization among both Australian-born and foreign-born populations, with urban areas showing substantial growth at the expense of rural areas over the 60-year period.