The chart below shows the proportion of staff employed by age in the public sector in the UK in 2015 and 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart below shows the proportion of staff employed by age in the public sector in the UK in 2015 and 2020.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The two pie charts illustrate the distribution of public sector workers by age group in the United Kingdom from 2015 to 2020.
It is evident that the age groups "21-30" and "over 50" dominated the total workforce structure -> predominated the overall workforce composition during this period. The other age groups experienced varying changes, but all followed a downward trend.
In 2015, the labour distribution revealed that the age brackets "21-30" and "over 50" each constituted 23% of the total. The subsequent largest cohort was the "31-40" bracket, representing 21%, followed by "41-50" at 19%. The smallest segment in 2015 was the "under 21" group, contributing a mere 14% of the total.
Fast-forward to 2020, a discernible shift in age distribution transpired. The "21-30" cohort witnessed the most substantial surge, escalating to 33%. The "41-50" bracket also experienced an uptick, reaching 28%. Conversely, the "over 50" category diminished to 16%, and the "under 21" group experienced a slight decline to 12%. The most notable decrease was observed in the "31-40" group, which plummeted from 21% to 11%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"illustrate" -> "depict"
Explanation: "Depict" is a more formal and precise term often used in academic contexts to describe how data is represented visually.
"dominated the total workforce structure" -> "predominated the overall workforce composition"
Explanation: "Predominated" is a more formal term that conveys the idea of being the most significant or prevalent, aligning better with academic language.
"experienced varying changes" -> "exhibited varying trends"
Explanation: "Exhibited" is a more formal alternative to "experienced," and "trends" provides a clearer indication of the nature of the changes over time.
"the smallest segment in 2015 was" -> "the smallest segment in 2015 was represented by"
Explanation: Adding "represented by" clarifies that the percentage refers to the portion of the workforce, enhancing precision.
"Fast-forward to 2020" -> "By 2020"
Explanation: "By 2020" is a more formal transition that maintains the flow of the essay without using informal language.
"a discernible shift in age distribution transpired" -> "a discernible shift in age distribution occurred"
Explanation: "Occurred" is a simpler and more direct term than "transpired," which can sound overly complex in this context.
"witnessed the most substantial surge" -> "experienced the most significant increase"
Explanation: "Experienced" is a more neutral term than "witnessed," and "significant increase" is clearer and more formal than "substantial surge."
"also experienced an uptick" -> "also saw an increase"
Explanation: "Saw an increase" is a more straightforward and formal expression than "experienced an uptick," which can sound informal.
"diminished" -> "decreased"
Explanation: "Decreased" is a more commonly used and clearer term in academic writing compared to "diminished."
"plummeted" -> "declined sharply"
Explanation: "Declined sharply" maintains the meaning of a significant decrease while using more formal language than "plummeted."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay provides a clear overview of the main trends in the data, highlighting the key features of the age distribution in the public sector in the UK in 2015 and 2020. The essay also makes relevant comparisons between the two years, noting the significant increase in the proportion of workers aged 21-30 and the decrease in the proportion of workers aged 31-40.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the changes in each age group. For example, the essay could state that the proportion of workers aged 21-30 increased by 10% between 2015 and 2020, while the proportion of workers aged 31-40 decreased by 10%. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the trends in the data. For example, instead of saying that the "over 50" category "diminished" in 2020, the essay could say that the proportion of workers aged over 50 decreased by 7%.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, presenting a clear progression throughout the text. The introduction effectively sets the context, and the body paragraphs detail the data from both years with appropriate comparisons. However, while cohesive devices are used appropriately, there are instances of slight overuse, particularly in transitions between ideas. Each paragraph presents a clear central topic, but the overall cohesion could be enhanced by varying the use of cohesive devices and improving the clarity of referencing.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay could benefit from more varied and sophisticated cohesive devices to enhance the flow of ideas. Additionally, ensuring that all references are clear and avoiding repetitive phrasing would strengthen coherence. More attention to logical paragraphing, ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, would also improve the overall cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision in conveying the information from the charts. The use of phrases such as "dominated the total workforce structure" and "discernible shift in age distribution" indicates an awareness of style and the ability to employ less common lexical items. However, there are occasional inaccuracies in word choice, such as "predominated" which is not used correctly in context. Additionally, while the vocabulary is generally appropriate, there are minor errors in phrasing that detract from the overall fluency.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of sophisticated vocabulary and ensuring accuracy in word choice. Practicing the use of collocations and idiomatic expressions can help improve naturalness. Additionally, proofreading for minor errors in spelling and word formation can further refine the essay’s lexical quality.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex sentence structures and maintains a good level of grammatical control. There are several error-free sentences, indicating a solid grasp of grammar and punctuation. However, some minor errors and awkward phrasing are present, such as "predominated the overall workforce composition" which could be more clearly expressed. Overall, the essay meets the criteria for Band 7 due to its effective use of a range of grammatical structures and the presence of a few errors that do not significantly impede understanding.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by proofreading for minor errors and awkward constructions. Additionally, incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures and ensuring that all sentences are clear and concise will strengthen the overall grammatical range and accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The two pie charts illustrate the distribution of public sector workers by age group in the United Kingdom from 2015 to 2020. It is evident that the age groups "21-30" and "over 50" predominated the overall workforce composition during this period. The other age groups experienced varying changes, but all followed a downward trend.

In 2015, the labour distribution revealed that the age brackets "21-30" and "over 50" each constituted 23% of the total workforce. The subsequent largest cohort was the "31-40" bracket, representing 21%, followed by "41-50" at 19%. The smallest segment in 2015 was the "under 21" group, contributing a mere 14% of the total.

Fast-forward to 2020, a discernible shift in age distribution transpired. The "21-30" cohort witnessed the most substantial increase, escalating to 33%. The "41-50" bracket also experienced an uptick, reaching 28%. Conversely, the "over 50" category diminished to 16%, and the "under 21" group saw a slight decline to 12%. The most notable decrease was observed in the "31-40" group, which plummeted from 21% to 11%.