the chart illustrates share income earned by top 1 percent between 1975 and 2015

The given line depicts an improvement of salary earned in seven countries during 40 years from 1975.
In brief, the proportion for the US, the UK, Canada, and Germany sharply increased, while Italy, France, and Japan slightly rose.
Turning to the details, there was an increasing trend for the USA in 1975 at around 8% and became the highest in 2015 which was at around 17%. Meanwhile, at the beginning the UK and Canada were at around 9% and had a similar trend which increased then these countries continually went up until 2015 by 5%. Germany was the highest data at around 11% in 1975 then it fluctuated in the next 35 years at around 14% and dropped by around 2% in 2015.
With regard to Italy, France, and Japan, the percentage for these countries were at around 6%, 6.1%, and 8%, respectively. After three decades, Japan and Italy rose by around 3%, while France was lower than these data by 1%. Moreover, in the next decade, there was an opposite trend for France and Japan slightly rose by 1%, while Italy dropped by 1%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The given line depicts an improvement of salary earned" -> "The graph illustrates an increase in salaries over the period"
Explanation: "The given line" is vague and informal; "The graph illustrates" is more precise and formal, and "increase in salaries" is clearer than "improvement of salary earned."
"In brief, the proportion for the US, the UK, Canada, and Germany sharply increased, while Italy, France, and Japan slightly rose." -> "In summary, the proportions for the US, the UK, Canada, and Germany experienced significant increases, whereas those for Italy, France, and Japan showed modest growth."
Explanation: "In brief" is too informal for academic writing; "In summary" is more appropriate. "Sharply increased" and "slightly rose" are vague and informal; "significant increases" and "modest growth" are more precise and formal.
"Turning to the details" -> "Examining the data more closely"
Explanation: "Turning to the details" is somewhat colloquial and vague; "Examining the data more closely" is more specific and formal.
"there was an increasing trend for the USA" -> "there was a trend of increasing salaries in the USA"
Explanation: "an increasing trend for the USA" is awkward and unclear; "a trend of increasing salaries in the USA" clarifies the subject and verb.
"became the highest in 2015 which was at around 17%" -> "reached its highest point in 2015, at approximately 17%"
Explanation: "became the highest in 2015 which was at around 17%" is convoluted and informal; "reached its highest point in 2015, at approximately 17%" is clearer and more formal.
"had a similar trend which increased then these countries continually went up until 2015 by 5%" -> "followed a similar trend, increasing steadily until 2015 by 5%"
Explanation: "had a similar trend which increased then these countries continually went up" is awkward and informal; "followed a similar trend, increasing steadily until 2015 by 5%" is more fluid and formal.
"the highest data at around 11%" -> "the highest percentage at approximately 11%"
Explanation: "the highest data" is incorrect; "the highest percentage" is the correct term for comparing numerical values.
"dropped by around 2%" -> "decreased by approximately 2%"
Explanation: "dropped" is informal; "decreased" is more appropriate for academic writing.
"the percentage for these countries were" -> "the percentages for these countries were"
Explanation: "percentage" should be plural to match the plural subject "countries."
"lower than these data by 1%" -> "lower than these percentages by 1%"
Explanation: "these data" is incorrect; "these percentages" is the correct plural form needed for consistency.
"slightly rose by 1%" -> "increased by 1%"
Explanation: "slightly rose" is informal and redundant; "increased" is more direct and formal.
"dropped by 1%" -> "decreased by 1%"
Explanation: "dropped" is informal; "decreased" is more suitable for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but it does not fully extend the key features. For example, the essay states that the proportion of income earned by the top 1% in the US, UK, Canada, and Germany increased sharply, but it does not provide any specific details about the rate of increase. The essay also presents some inaccurate information, such as stating that Germany had the highest data at around 11% in 1975.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the key features of the data. For example, the essay could state that the proportion of income earned by the top 1% in the US increased from around 8% in 1975 to around 17% in 2015, which is an increase of 9%. The essay could also provide more accurate information about the data. For example, the essay could state that Germany had the highest data at around 10% in 1975, not 11%.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, demonstrating a clear overall progression. The main trends are presented, and there is an attempt to provide details for each country. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, leading to occasional awkward phrasing. For example, phrases like "meanwhile" and "with regard to" are used, but their application does not always enhance the flow of the essay. Additionally, while paragraphing is present, it is not always logical, as the transitions between ideas could be smoother.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing the logical flow of ideas by using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively. Improving the clarity of referencing and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic will also help. Additionally, refining the overall structure by ensuring that each section transitions smoothly to the next will contribute to better coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey the trends in the data, the vocabulary used is basic and lacks sophistication. There are noticeable errors in word choice and some awkward phrasing, such as "the highest data" and "the proportion for the US," which may cause some difficulty for the reader. Additionally, spelling and grammatical issues are present, such as "the UK and Canada were at around 9% and had a similar trend which increased then these countries continually went up until 2015 by 5%." These errors indicate limited control over word formation and collocation.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary, including more precise and varied terms to describe trends and data. Incorporating less common lexical items and ensuring accurate word choice would improve clarity. Additionally, reducing grammatical errors and awkward phrasing would help in conveying the message more effectively. Engaging with synonyms and varying sentence structures can also contribute to a more sophisticated lexical presentation.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay employs a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, demonstrating an understanding of grammatical structures. However, there are several grammatical errors and issues with punctuation that occasionally hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "the highest data at around 11%" and "the percentage for these countries were" contain grammatical inaccuracies. While the overall meaning is generally clear, the errors present may cause some difficulty for the reader, which aligns with the characteristics of Band 6.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Enhance Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex structures and ensure that they are used accurately.
Minimize Errors: Proofread the essay to identify and correct grammatical mistakes, particularly subject-verb agreement and punctuation errors.
Clarify Ideas: Ensure that each sentence clearly conveys its intended meaning, avoiding ambiguous phrases that may confuse the reader.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given line graph illustrates the share of income earned by the top 1 percent in seven countries over a period of 40 years from 1975 to 2015.

In brief, the proportion for the US, the UK, Canada, and Germany sharply increased, while Italy, France, and Japan experienced only slight rises.

Turning to the details, the USA showed an increasing trend starting at around 8% in 1975, becoming the highest at approximately 17% in 2015. Meanwhile, the UK and Canada began at around 9% and exhibited a similar upward trend, increasing by 5% until 2015. Germany had the highest share at around 11% in 1975, but it fluctuated over the next 35 years, reaching around 14% before dropping by approximately 2% in 2015.

With regard to Italy, France, and Japan, the percentages for these countries were approximately 6%, 6.1%, and 8%, respectively. After three decades, Japan and Italy rose by around 3%, while France was lower than these figures by 1%. Moreover, in the subsequent decade, there was an opposite trend for France, which slightly increased by 1%, while Italy dropped by 1%.