The chart shows the information about salt in take in the USA in 2000.
The chart shows the information about salt in take in the USA in 2000.
The bar chart provides a detailed comparison of salt consumption between males and females across various age groups in the US in 2000, measured in milligrams.
Overall, males consistently consumed more salt than females in all the surveyed age groups. A notable trend is the increase in salt intake with age, peaking in the 20-39 age groups, before a recovery in the 40-60 and over-60 age groups. Another striking feature is that salt consumption in all age groups exceeds the recommended salt intake levels.
The highest salt consumption recorded was ingested by males aged from 20 to 39 at 4500 milligrams, followed closely by the 12-19 and 40-60 groups, each at 4000 milligrams. These figures significantly surpassed the advised limit of approximately 1500 milligrams on average. Although the 6 to 11 and over-60 age groups also surpassed the recommended levels, their consumption was less excessive compared to the 20-39. Notably, children under 6 years old adhered more closely to the guidelines, with a consumption of 2000 milligrams.
Moving on to the intake of salt in females, the pattern was similar to those of males, albeit with lower consumption levels. The shares of all six surveyed groups exceeded the suggested line by a modest margin, at above 500 milligrams. The oldest age groups’ salt consumption reported figures at 2500 milligrams, while the youngest groups reported was more aligned with the recommended levels close to nearly 1500 milligrams.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"the bar chart provides a detailed comparison" -> "the bar chart presents a comprehensive comparison"
Explanation: "Presents" is a more formal choice than "provides," and "comprehensive" conveys a sense of thoroughness that aligns better with academic writing. -
"notable trend is the increase in salt intake with age" -> "noteworthy trend is the escalation of salt intake with age"
Explanation: "Noteworthy" is a more formal synonym for "notable," and "escalation" implies a more significant increase, enhancing the precision of the statement. -
"before a recovery in the 40-60 and over-60 age groups" -> "followed by a decline in the 40-60 and over-60 age groups"
Explanation: "Decline" is a more precise term than "recovery," which can imply a return to a previous state rather than a decrease in consumption. -
"Another striking feature is that salt consumption in all age groups exceeds the recommended salt intake levels" -> "Another significant observation is that salt consumption across all age groups surpasses the recommended intake levels"
Explanation: "Significant observation" is more formal than "striking feature," and "surpasses" is a stronger verb than "exceeds," enhancing the academic tone. -
"the highest salt consumption recorded was ingested by males aged from 20 to 39" -> "the highest recorded salt consumption was among males aged 20 to 39"
Explanation: "Among" is more appropriate than "ingested by" in this context, as it clarifies that the data pertains to a group rather than individual actions. -
"these figures significantly surpassed the advised limit of approximately 1500 milligrams on average" -> "these figures substantially exceeded the recommended limit of approximately 1500 milligrams"
Explanation: "Substantially exceeded" is a more formal and precise phrase than "significantly surpassed," and "recommended" is a more appropriate term than "advised" in this context. -
"the 6 to 11 and over-60 age groups also surpassed the recommended levels, their consumption was less excessive compared to the 20-39" -> "the 6 to 11 and over-60 age groups also exceeded the recommended levels, although their consumption was less pronounced compared to the 20-39 age group"
Explanation: "Exceeded" is a more formal term than "surpassed," and "less pronounced" is a more precise description than "less excessive," improving clarity. -
"Notably, children under 6 years old adhered more closely to the guidelines" -> "It is noteworthy that children under 6 years old conformed more closely to the guidelines"
Explanation: "It is noteworthy" is a more formal construction than "notably," and "conformed" is a more precise term than "adhered" in this context. -
"the pattern was similar to those of males" -> "the pattern mirrored that of males"
Explanation: "Mirrored" is a more precise and formal term than "was similar to," enhancing the academic tone. -
"the shares of all six surveyed groups exceeded the suggested line by a modest margin, at above 500 milligrams" -> "the consumption levels of all six surveyed groups surpassed the suggested threshold by a modest margin, exceeding 500 milligrams"
Explanation: "Consumption levels" is more specific than "shares," and "surpassed the suggested threshold" is a more formal way to express the idea than "exceeded the suggested line." -
"the oldest age groups’ salt consumption reported figures at 2500 milligrams" -> "the salt consumption of the oldest age groups was reported at 2500 milligrams"
Explanation: This restructuring clarifies the subject and improves the flow of the sentence. -
"while the youngest groups reported was more aligned with the recommended levels close to nearly 1500 milligrams" -> "while the youngest groups’ consumption levels were more closely aligned with the recommended levels, approaching 1500 milligrams"
Explanation: "Consumption levels" adds specificity, and "approaching" is a more precise term than "close to nearly," improving clarity and formality.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7
Explanation: The essay covers the requirements of the task and presents a clear overview of the main trends in salt intake. The essay clearly presents and highlights key features/bullet points, but could be more fully extended. For example, the essay could provide more specific details about the differences in salt intake between males and females in each age group.
How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the differences in salt intake between males and females in each age group. For example, the essay could state that males aged 20-39 consumed 2000 milligrams more salt than females in the same age group. The essay could also provide more specific details about the overall trends in salt intake, such as the fact that salt intake generally increases with age for both males and females.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, demonstrating a clear progression throughout the text. Each paragraph presents a central topic, with the first paragraph introducing the overall trends, the second focusing on male consumption, and the third on female consumption. The use of cohesive devices is appropriate, although there are instances of slight under-use, particularly in transitioning between ideas. Overall, the essay maintains coherence, but there are moments where the flow could be improved.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay could benefit from more varied cohesive devices to enhance the flow between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, ensuring that all references are clear and effectively used would strengthen coherence. More explicit connections between the trends observed in male and female consumption could also enhance the overall cohesion of the essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision in conveying the information from the chart. The use of phrases like "notable trend," "striking feature," and "advised limit" indicates an awareness of style and an attempt to use less common lexical items. However, there are occasional inaccuracies in word choice, such as "recovery" in the context of salt intake, which may confuse readers. Additionally, there are minor errors in spelling and word formation, such as "adhered more closely to the guidelines," which could be phrased more clearly. Overall, while the vocabulary is adequate and varied, these issues prevent a higher score.
How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, the writer should focus on using more precise vocabulary and ensuring that word choices accurately reflect the intended meaning. Additionally, practicing the correct formation of phrases and minimizing spelling errors will contribute to a more polished essay. Expanding the range of less common lexical items and ensuring their correct application will also help achieve a higher band score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex structures and produces frequent error-free sentences. The writer shows good control of grammar and punctuation, with only a few errors present. For instance, phrases like "the shares of all six surveyed groups exceeded the suggested line by a modest margin" could be clearer, and there are minor issues with article usage and prepositions. Overall, the grammatical range is satisfactory, but the occasional errors prevent it from reaching a higher band.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on refining sentence structures for clarity and precision. Ensuring that all sentences are error-free and employing a wider variety of complex grammatical forms could help achieve a higher score. Additionally, proofreading for minor errors in articles and prepositions would improve overall accuracy.
Bài sửa mẫu
The bar chart provides a detailed comparison of salt consumption between males and females across various age groups in the USA in 2000, measured in milligrams. Overall, males consistently consumed more salt than females in all the surveyed age groups. A notable trend is the increase in salt intake with age, peaking in the 20-39 age group, before a decline in the 40-60 and over-60 age groups. Another striking feature is that salt consumption in all age groups exceeds the recommended salt intake levels.
The highest salt consumption recorded was by males aged 20 to 39 at 4,500 milligrams, followed closely by the 12-19 and 40-60 age groups, each at 4,000 milligrams. These figures significantly surpassed the advised limit of approximately 1,500 milligrams on average. Although the 6 to 11 and over-60 age groups also exceeded the recommended levels, their consumption was less excessive compared to the 20-39 age group. Notably, children under 6 years old adhered more closely to the guidelines, with a consumption of 2,000 milligrams.
Moving on to the intake of salt in females, the pattern was similar to that of males, albeit with lower consumption levels. The figures for all six surveyed groups exceeded the suggested limit by a modest margin, at above 500 milligrams. The oldest age group reported salt consumption figures of 2,500 milligrams, while the youngest groups reported levels more aligned with the recommended intake, close to nearly 1,500 milligrams.
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