the chart shows the percentage of males and females ages 18-20 doing different activities

The chart illustrates the proportions of men and women aged 18-20 participating in various activities
Overall, the percentages of males higher than those of females in Basketball, Football, and Hockey. Conversely, the figure for females was more attracted to Cycling and Swimming activities. Moreover, the Football had the highest proportion among men while Cycling accounted for the highest rate among women
Looking first at male players, the figure for males who played Football was highest, at 51%, followed by Cycling ( 38%) and Basketball (33%). Additionally, the percentages of male players in Swimming and Hockey were 20% and 12%, respectively.
Turning to the women players, approximately 40% females participated in Cycling, as opposed to 5% in Hockey. Furthermore, the proportion of female participants in Swimming far exceeded that of Football and Basketball, with respective figures being 40%, 15%, and 12%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The chart illustrates the proportions of men and women" -> "The chart depicts the proportions of males and females"
Explanation: Using "depicts" instead of "illustrates" provides a more precise verb choice for describing visual representations in academic contexts. Additionally, "males" and "females" are more formal and appropriate than "men" and "women" in this context.
"participating in various activities" -> "engaging in various activities"
Explanation: "Engaging in" is more specific and academically appropriate than "participating in," which is somewhat vague and less formal.
"males higher than those of females" -> "males outnumber females"
Explanation: "Outnumber" is a more precise and formal way to express numerical superiority, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"the figure for females was more attracted to" -> "the proportion of females was more inclined towards"
Explanation: "More inclined towards" is a more formal and precise expression than "more attracted to," which is colloquial and imprecise in this context.
"the Football had the highest proportion" -> "Football had the highest proportion"
Explanation: Removing the definite article "the" before "Football" corrects the grammatical error and maintains the formal tone.
"accounted for the highest rate among women" -> "represented the highest proportion among females"
Explanation: "Represented" is more specific and formal than "accounted for," and "females" is preferred over "women" in formal academic writing.
"male players" -> "male participants"
Explanation: "Participants" is a more neutral and formal term than "players," which may imply a level of skill or expertise that is not necessarily relevant in this context.
"approximately 40% females" -> "approximately 40% of females"
Explanation: Adding "of" before "females" corrects the grammatical structure and clarifies the relationship between the percentage and the subject.
"as opposed to 5% in Hockey" -> "compared to 5% in Hockey"
Explanation: "Compared to" is more formal and appropriate in academic writing than "as opposed to," which can be seen as slightly informal.
"the proportion of female participants in Swimming far exceeded that of Football and Basketball" -> "the proportion of female participants in Swimming significantly exceeded those in Football and Basketball"
Explanation: "Significantly exceeded" is more precise and formal than "far exceeded," and "those in" is grammatically correct compared to "that of."

These changes enhance the formal and academic tone of the essay by using more precise vocabulary and correcting grammatical errors, aligning the language with the standards of scholarly writing.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main trends in the chart. It also presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, but some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that "the figure for males who played Football was highest, at 51%," but the chart shows that the percentage of males who played Football was 50%.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate data and by avoiding irrelevant details. For example, the essay could state that "the percentage of males who played Football was 50%, which was the highest percentage for any activity." The essay could also be improved by providing a more detailed overview of the main trends in the chart. For example, the essay could state that "the chart shows that males are more likely to participate in Basketball, Football, and Hockey, while females are more likely to participate in Cycling and Swimming."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information and ideas in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the details about male and female participation in various activities. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where cohesion between sentences could be improved, leading to some mechanical flow. The paragraphing is present but not always logical, as the transition between discussing male and female participants could be smoother. Additionally, there are minor issues with referencing, such as the phrase "the Football" which is awkwardly constructed.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. This can be achieved by using a wider range of cohesive devices and ensuring that transitions between ideas are more fluid. Additionally, refining the use of referencing and avoiding awkward phrases will contribute to a more polished essay. Finally, organizing paragraphs more clearly, perhaps by dedicating separate sections to each gender’s activities, would improve clarity and progression.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task. It attempts to use some less common vocabulary, such as "illustrates," "proportions," and "participating," but there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the percentages of males higher than those of females" which should be "the percentages of males are higher than those of females." Additionally, there are minor errors in grammar and phrasing that affect clarity, such as "the Football had the highest proportion among men," which should be "Football had the highest proportion among men." While the vocabulary used does allow for communication of the main ideas, the errors and awkward phrasing prevent it from reaching a higher band score.

How to improve: To improve the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with more precision. This includes ensuring correct collocations and avoiding awkward phrasing. Additionally, practicing the use of less common lexical items in context can enhance the sophistication of the vocabulary. Proofreading for grammatical accuracy and clarity can also help eliminate errors that detract from the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some attempts at complex structures, they are not consistently accurate. There are noticeable grammatical errors, such as "the percentages of males higher than those of females" (missing verb) and "the Football had the highest proportion" (unnecessary article). These errors occasionally hinder clarity but do not completely obscure communication. Overall, the essay shows an understanding of the task but lacks the grammatical precision and range required for a higher band score.
How to improve: To achieve a higher score, the writer should focus on increasing the accuracy of complex sentence structures and ensuring that all sentences are grammatically correct. Practicing the use of a wider variety of sentence forms, refining punctuation, and proofreading for minor errors can also enhance clarity and coherence. Additionally, incorporating more varied vocabulary and sentence starters would contribute to a more sophisticated writing style.

Bài sửa mẫu

The chart illustrates the proportions of men and women aged 18-20 participating in various activities. Overall, the percentages of males are higher than those of females in Basketball, Football, and Hockey. Conversely, the figures for females show a greater attraction to Cycling and Swimming activities. Moreover, Football had the highest proportion among men, while Cycling accounted for the highest rate among women.

Looking first at male players, the figure for males who played Football was the highest, at 51%, followed by Cycling (38%) and Basketball (33%). Additionally, the percentages of male players in Swimming and Hockey were 20% and 12%, respectively.

Turning to female players, approximately 40% of females participated in Cycling, as opposed to 5% in Hockey. Furthermore, the proportion of female participants in Swimming far exceeded that of Football and Basketball, with respective figures of 40%, 15%, and 12%.