The charts below give information about the diet and general health of two groups of students.

The given charts detail data regarding the dietary and general well-being of two distinct student groups.

As can clearly be seen, high-fat content food intake and flavoured oatmeal are the most favorable dishes for both groups, with the former in group A being far less significant. Maintaining more sensible eating habits, group A’s students encounter fewer health problems and show up to school more than their peers/ counterparts.

Encountering proportions at around one-third of the overall diet from each group, fatty foods and cereals are among the most consumed categories. However, indicating a more imbalanced diet, lipid-rich intake on its own makes up a solid 50% of group B’s meals. This, therefore, has led to a roughly 17% significant difference in the percentage of vegetables consumed by group A and B students, at around one-fifth and only 5% respectively. Fruits and fish intake in both groups are relatively equal, ranging from 5-8%, and are among the least consumed food types on the diets.

With different eating habits, group A and B students’ health also vary. Upon adopting a healthier and more balanced diet, only one in ten students from group A is overweight, and one in twenty encountered ailments last year. In stark contrast, those for group B are nearly doubled. As a result, while 90% of group A students show up to class, only three-quarters of group B students do – making an approximately 15% gap, and illustrating a poorer diet of the latter group.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"As can clearly be seen" -> "It is evident that"
Explanation: "It is evident that" is a more formal and precise way to introduce a conclusion drawn from data, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"Maintaining more sensible eating habits" -> "Adhering to more sensible dietary habits"
Explanation: "Adhering to" is a more precise verb choice than "maintaining" in this context, and "dietary habits" is a more specific term than "eating habits," which is more appropriate in an academic discussion about nutrition.
"show up to school more than their peers/counterparts" -> "attend school more frequently than their peers"
Explanation: "Attend school more frequently" is a clearer and more formal expression than "show up to school," which is somewhat informal and vague.
"Encountering proportions at around one-third" -> "Comprising approximately one-third"
Explanation: "Comprising" is a more precise term than "encountering" when discussing the composition of a diet, and "approximately" is more formal than "around."
"lipid-rich intake on its own makes up a solid 50%" -> "lipid-rich intake constitutes approximately 50%"
Explanation: "Constitutes" is more academically precise than "makes up," and "approximately" is preferred over "a solid" to maintain a formal tone.
"has led to a roughly 17% significant difference" -> "has resulted in a 17% significant difference"
Explanation: "Has resulted in" is a more formal and precise phrase than "has led to," which is slightly informal.
"only one in ten students from group A is overweight" -> "only 10% of students from group A are overweight"
Explanation: Using a percentage ("10%") is more precise and formal than "one in ten," which is somewhat colloquial.
"one in twenty encountered ailments last year" -> "20% of students from group A experienced health issues last year"
Explanation: "20% of students" is more precise and formal than "one in twenty," and "experienced health issues" is a clearer and more formal way to describe health problems.
"nearly doubled" -> "approximately doubled"
Explanation: "Approximately doubled" is a more precise and formal way to describe a significant increase, aligning better with academic writing standards.
"making an approximately 15% gap" -> "resulting in a 15% gap"
Explanation: "Resulting in" is a more formal and precise way to describe the cause-and-effect relationship between the diet and attendance, compared to "making an approximately."

These changes enhance the precision, formality, and clarity of the text, making it more suitable for an academic context.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay covers the requirements of the task and presents a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay clearly presents and highlights key features/bullet points, but could be more fully extended. For example, the essay could provide more specific details about the differences in the diets of the two groups of students.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the differences in the diets of the two groups of students. For example, the essay could state that group A students consume significantly more vegetables than group B students, and that group B students consume significantly more high-fat food than group A students. The essay could also provide more specific details about the health of the two groups of students. For example, the essay could state that group A students are less likely to be overweight and less likely to have been ill in the past year than group B students.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, demonstrating clear progression throughout. It presents a central topic within each paragraph, making it easy for the reader to follow the argument. The use of cohesive devices is appropriate, though there are instances of slight overuse, particularly in the transitions between ideas. Overall, the paragraphing is effective, but there are moments where the connection between some sentences could be clearer, which prevents it from reaching a higher band score.

How to improve: To enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay, the writer could focus on varying the types of cohesive devices used to avoid redundancy. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph contains a more distinct and focused central idea could improve clarity. More explicit linking phrases could also be employed to strengthen the connections between sentences and ideas, thereby enhancing the overall flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary that allows for some flexibility and precision in conveying the information presented in the charts. The use of less common lexical items, such as "lipid-rich," "flavoured oatmeal," and "encountering ailments," indicates an awareness of style and collocation. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and phrasing, such as "the former in group A being far less significant," which could be clearer. Additionally, while the vocabulary is generally appropriate, some expressions are slightly awkward or imprecise, impacting the overall fluency and naturalness of the writing.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of sophisticated vocabulary and ensure that word choices are precise and contextually appropriate. Practicing with more complex sentence structures and varying the vocabulary used to describe similar concepts can also help. Furthermore, minimizing errors in word formation and ensuring that all terms used are accurate will contribute to a higher score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex sentence structures and generally maintains good control of grammar and punctuation. There are frequent error-free sentences, and the majority of the grammatical constructions are accurate. However, there are a few instances of awkward phrasing and minor grammatical errors that detract from the overall clarity and precision, such as "the former in group A being far less significant," which could be more clearly articulated.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing the accuracy of complex structures and reducing the frequency of awkward phrasing. Additionally, ensuring that all sentences are error-free and refining the clarity of ideas presented would contribute to a stronger performance in grammatical range and accuracy. More varied sentence openings and transitions could also improve the overall flow and coherence of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given charts detail data regarding the dietary habits and general well-being of two distinct student groups.

As can clearly be seen, high-fat food intake and flavored oatmeal are the most favored dishes for both groups, with the former being significantly less prevalent in group A. By maintaining more sensible eating habits, students in group A encounter fewer health problems and attend school more regularly than their counterparts.

With proportions of around one-third of the overall diet from each group, fatty foods and cereals are among the most consumed categories. However, indicating a more imbalanced diet, lipid-rich foods alone constitute a substantial 50% of group B’s meals. This has resulted in a notable 17% difference in the percentage of vegetables consumed by students in groups A and B, with group A consuming around one-fifth and group B only 5%. Fruit and fish intake in both groups is relatively equal, ranging from 5% to 8%, and these are among the least consumed food types in their diets.

With differing eating habits, the health of students in groups A and B also varies. By adopting a healthier and more balanced diet, only one in ten students from group A is overweight, and one in twenty reported health issues last year. In stark contrast, these figures are nearly doubled for group B. As a result, while 90% of group A students attend class, only three-quarters of group B students do, creating an approximate 15% gap and illustrating the poorer diet of the latter group.