The charts below show the percentage of people working in different sectors in town A and town B in 1960 and 2010.

The four pie charts reveal information about the distribution of workers in three distinct sectors in town A and town B in the years 1960 and 2010.
Overall, there was the most significant rise in the proportion of employees working in the services sector, establishing it as the predominant sector by 2010. Additionally, despite a drop after half a decade, manufacturing workers' percentage remained highest during the given period.
In town A, starting at 29%, the lowest figure among all three sectors in 1960, the percentage of individuals employed in service-related jobs doubled after fifty years, accounting for nearly two-thirds of the labor market. In contrast, both sales and manufacturing domains witnessed a plummet in the employee rate of 15% and 20%, respectively.
In town B, the proportion of workers in the sales field relatively exhibited no variations from 1960 to 2010, while the opposite was true for that of workers in the remaining two fields. Specifically, the percentage of employees in the services sector soared by two and a half times, from 10% to 25%, in contrast with a seventeen-percent decline of that of employees in the manufacturing sector.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"reveal information about" -> "depict data regarding"
Explanation: "Reveal information about" is a common phrase, but "depict data regarding" adds variety and sophistication to the language, enhancing the essay’s vocabulary.
"the most significant rise" -> "the most substantial increase"
Explanation: "Rise" is appropriate, but "substantial increase" provides a more precise and nuanced description, elevating the vocabulary level.
"establishing it as" -> "solidifying its position as"
Explanation: "Establishing it as" is acceptable, but "solidifying its position as" offers a more dynamic and assertive expression, enhancing the essay’s tone.
"Despite a drop after half a decade" -> "Although experiencing a decline midway through the period"
Explanation: "Despite a drop after half a decade" is slightly informal. "Although experiencing a decline midway through the period" maintains formality and clarity while offering a more precise timeframe.
"witnessed a plummet" -> "observed a steep decline"
Explanation: "Plummet" is appropriate, but "observed a steep decline" provides a more descriptive and sophisticated alternative, enriching the vocabulary.
"exhibited no variations" -> "showed no fluctuations"
Explanation: "Exhibited no variations" is clear but somewhat plain. "Showed no fluctuations" maintains clarity while introducing a more refined vocabulary choice.
"the opposite was true for that of workers" -> "contrary trends were observed for employees"
Explanation: "The opposite was true for that of workers" is slightly awkward. "Contrary trends were observed for employees" provides a smoother and more formal expression.
"specifically" -> "in particular"
Explanation: "Specifically" is appropriate, but "in particular" offers a more polished and sophisticated transition, enhancing the flow of the essay.
"soared by two and a half times" -> "increased by two and a halffold"
Explanation: "Soared by two and a half times" is clear but could be more precise. "Increased by two and a halffold" offers a more concise and formal expression, fitting for the context of the essay.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7.0
Explanation:
The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main trends in the distribution of workers in town A and town B in 1960 and 2010. It presents a clear overview of the main trends, differences, and stages, highlighting the key features of the data provided in the pie charts.
How to improve:
To improve, the essay could more fully extend its analysis by providing additional context or implications of the trends observed in the data. Additionally, ensuring that all details presented are accurate and relevant would enhance the overall clarity and effectiveness of the essay.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, showing clear progression throughout the essay. The writer uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately, although there is slight overuse in some areas. Each paragraph presents a clear central topic, contributing to the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.
How to improve: To improve cohesion, focus on varying cohesive devices while avoiding overuse. Ensure that each paragraph maintains a clear central theme, contributing to a smoother transition between ideas. Additionally, consider refining the use of transitions to further enhance the logical flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow flexibility and precision in conveying the information. There is effective use of less common lexical items such as "plummet," "exhibited," "soared," and "domain," which enhances the clarity and sophistication of expression. Additionally, the essay displays awareness of style and collocation, as evident in phrases like "service-related jobs" and "labor market." Although there are occasional errors in word choice and collocation, such as "starting at 29%" could be improved to "commencing at 29%," these do not significantly impede understanding.

How to improve: To further enhance lexical resource, aim for more varied sentence structures and experiment with different phrasings to avoid repetition. Proofreading for minor errors in word choice and collocation will help refine the essay’s clarity and precision. Additionally, incorporating a wider range of academic vocabulary related to the topic could elevate the lexical sophistication further.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a variety of sentence structures, including complex constructions, such as "despite a drop after half a decade" and "the proportion of workers in the sales field relatively exhibited no variations." There is a consistent effort to vary the syntax, which contributes to a sense of fluency and sophistication. The majority of sentences are error-free, and there is generally good control of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances where errors occur, such as "the lowest figure among all three sectors in 1960," where "among all three sectors" could be considered redundant.

How to improve:
To enhance grammatical accuracy further, ensure that complex sentence structures are used with precision, avoiding unnecessary complexity or redundancy. Additionally, careful proofreading for minor errors, such as missing articles or prepositions, can help to elevate the overall clarity and polish of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided data elucidates the distribution of workers across different sectors in town A and town B during two distinct time frames, 1960 and 2010.

Primarily, the most notable trend observed was the substantial increase in the proportion of individuals employed in the services sector, which emerged as the dominant sector by 2010. Despite fluctuations, the manufacturing sector retained its position as the sector with the highest percentage of workers throughout the given period.

In town A, the services sector witnessed a remarkable surge, doubling its workforce share from 29% in 1960 to approximately 60% in 2010. Conversely, both the sales and manufacturing sectors experienced declines in employment rates, with decreases of 15% and 20% respectively.

Turning attention to town B, the sales sector remained relatively stable with no significant variations in employment percentages between 1960 and 2010. However, contrasting trends were evident in the services and manufacturing sectors. Employment in services saw a substantial increase, rising from 10% to 25%, while the manufacturing sector experienced a notable decline of 17%.

In summary, the data depicts significant shifts in the employment landscape of town A and town B over the fifty-year period, with the services sector emerging as the predominant force in both towns by 2010.