The charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in Australia and Sweden in 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in Australia and Sweden in 2008.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The pie charts illustrate how employed individuals allocated time for numerous activities in 2008 in two countries, namely Australia and Sweden.

Overall, Australian people dedicated the greatest amount of their time to work. Compared to working, sleeping was lower, while the opposite was the case for Sweden.

In 2008, 42% of Australian employed adults' time was spent working, which was higher than the 27% recorded in Sweden. By contrast, Swedish individuals allocated one-third of their time for sleeping, whereas Australians spent only one-quarter of their time sleeping. Furthermore, the figures for relaxing at home in both countries were similar, at 13%.

Regarding the remaining activities, in Australia and Sweden, commuting to work made up the negligible percentage of the total time, at only 8% and 5%, respectively. Additionally, in Sweden, going out accounted for 14% of working individuals' time, which was double that of Australia, at 7%. Meanwhile, 5% of Swedish employed adults' time was devoted to hobbies or sports, which was nearly half of that in Australia, at 9%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"employed individuals" -> "working individuals"
Explanation: The term "working individuals" is more direct and specific, aligning better with the context of the pie charts, which describe the allocation of time among employed people.
"allocated time for numerous activities" -> "allocated time to various activities"
Explanation: "Various" is more precise and formal than "numerous," which can sometimes imply a vague quantity. This change enhances the academic tone of the statement.
"the greatest amount of their time" -> "the largest proportion of their time"
Explanation: "The largest proportion" is more precise and formal, fitting better in an academic context than "the greatest amount," which can be somewhat informal and vague.
"was lower" -> "was less"
Explanation: "Was less" is a more concise and formal alternative to "was lower," which can be seen as slightly colloquial in this context.
"the opposite was the case for Sweden" -> "the situation was reversed in Sweden"
Explanation: "The situation was reversed" is a more formal and precise way to indicate a contrast, improving the academic tone over the more casual "the opposite was the case."
"employed adults’ time" -> "working adults’ time"
Explanation: Consistency in terminology is maintained by using "working adults" throughout the essay, which is more specific and contextually appropriate than "employed adults."
"one-third of their time" -> "one-third of their time was allocated"
Explanation: Adding "was allocated" clarifies the action and provides a more formal structure, enhancing the precision of the statement.
"only one-quarter of their time" -> "approximately one-quarter of their time"
Explanation: "Approximately" introduces a degree of precision that is more suitable for academic writing, as it acknowledges potential variations in the data without being too vague.
"the figures for relaxing at home" -> "the proportions allocated to relaxing at home"
Explanation: "Proportions allocated" is more specific and formal, improving the academic tone by avoiding the more casual "figures."
"negligible percentage" -> "minimal proportion"
Explanation: "Minimal proportion" is a more precise and formal term, suitable for academic writing, compared to the colloquial "negligible percentage."
"going out" -> "engaging in leisure activities outside the home"
Explanation: "Engaging in leisure activities outside the home" is a more detailed and formal phrase, replacing the vague and informal "going out."
"devoted to hobbies or sports" -> "dedicated to hobbies and sports"
Explanation: "Dedicated to" is a more formal expression than "devoted to," and using "and" instead of "or" with "hobbies and sports" correctly implies that both are included in the category.

These changes enhance the formal and academic tone of the essay, ensuring that the language is precise, clear, and appropriate for an academic audience.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay provides a clear overview of the main features of the data, highlighting the key differences between Australia and Sweden. The essay also presents and highlights key features/bullet points, but could be more fully extended. For example, the essay could have provided more specific details about the differences in the amount of time spent on each activity.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the differences in the amount of time spent on each activity. For example, the essay could state that Australian working adults spent 15% more time working than Swedish working adults. The essay could also provide more specific comparisons between the two countries, such as stating that Swedish working adults spent twice as much time going out as Australian working adults.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, presenting a clear progression throughout the response. Each paragraph focuses on specific aspects of the data, and there is a clear central topic within each paragraph. The use of cohesive devices is appropriate, although there are instances of slight under-use, particularly in transitions between some ideas. Overall, the essay effectively communicates the main features of the charts, but there is room for improvement in the variety and sophistication of cohesive devices used.
How to improve: To enhance the score, the writer could incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, ensuring that all comparisons are explicitly stated and elaborated upon would strengthen the coherence of the essay. More varied sentence structures and transitional phrases could also enhance the overall cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary that allows for some flexibility and precision in conveying the information from the charts. The use of phrases such as "allocated time," "dedicated the greatest amount," and "negligible percentage" indicates an awareness of less common lexical items. However, there are occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the opposite was the case for Sweden," which lacks clarity. The essay is generally coherent, but the vocabulary could be more varied and sophisticated to achieve a higher band score.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of sophisticated vocabulary and phrases. This could include using synonyms to avoid repetition (e.g., instead of repeating "time spent," consider alternatives like "time allocation" or "time distribution"). Additionally, ensuring precise word choice and collocation will help in conveying meanings more effectively. Practicing with uncommon lexical items and varying sentence structures can also contribute to a more polished and advanced use of language.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex sentence structures and produces frequent error-free sentences. There is good control of grammar and punctuation, although a few minor errors are present. The overall clarity of the essay is maintained, and the comparisons between the two countries are effectively articulated. However, some sentences could be more varied in structure to enhance the overall grammatical range.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer could focus on incorporating a wider range of complex structures and ensuring that all sentences are error-free. Additionally, varying sentence beginnings and using more sophisticated vocabulary would enhance the overall grammatical range. Practicing with more complex sentence forms and ensuring accuracy in punctuation will also help in improving the score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The pie charts illustrate how employed individuals allocated their time to various activities in 2008 in two countries, namely Australia and Sweden.

Overall, Australian individuals dedicated the greatest proportion of their time to work. In contrast, sleeping accounted for a larger share of time in Sweden compared to Australia.

In 2008, 42% of employed adults’ time in Australia was spent working, which was significantly higher than the 27% recorded in Sweden. By contrast, Swedish individuals allocated one-third of their time to sleeping, whereas Australians spent only one-quarter of their time on this activity. Furthermore, the figures for relaxing at home in both countries were similar, at 13%.

Regarding the remaining activities, commuting to work constituted a negligible percentage of total time in both countries, at only 8% in Australia and 5% in Sweden. Additionally, in Sweden, going out accounted for 14% of employed individuals’ time, which was double that of Australia, where it represented 7%. Meanwhile, 5% of Swedish employed adults’ time was devoted to hobbies or sports, which was nearly half of the 9% recorded in Australia.