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The charts below show the percentage of workers in three sectors across four countries in 1980 and 2010.

The charts below show the percentage of workers in three sectors across four countries in 1980 and 2010.

The given bar charts provide a comparison of workforce distribution in three categories across distinct nations,including Germany, USA, Japan and China from 1980 to 2010.

Overall, despite some slight oscillations, it is evident that the figure for industry’s workers showed an upward trend in almost nations, whereas a reverse pattern could be observe in the percentage of employees in services and agriculture. Conversly, China was dominant in terms of agriculture’s workforce during the time frame supplied.

In 1980,Germany took up 60% of employed individuals in industry. In addition, the proportion of employees in services and agriculture was 50 % and 5% respectively. USA and Japan witnessed the same pattern in this surveyed time frame.Regardless of Industry, both countries took up equivalent proportion of workforce, at around 50%. Workers in agriculture was responsible for the minority percent, less than 10%. China underwent an opposite trend in thi period, while the figure for agriculture’s workers was 70% approximately, that of Industry and Services only took up 30% and 20% in turn in this country.

USA,Japan and Germany remained relatively stable in workforce distribution in industry in 2010. German workers made up 80%,which was the highest, followed by recruited individuals in Japan and USA with around 77% and 70% in the given order. Germany also held a very large proportion of people working in services, at precisely 40% in comparison with the figure of other 3 nations.China continued to be the king of employing individuals in agriculture (50%).


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "oscillations" -> "fluctuations"
    Explanation: "Oscillations" is not incorrect, but "fluctuations" is a more precise and formal term for describing changes in data over time.

  2. "could be observe" -> "could be observed"
    Explanation: The correct form of the verb is "observed" in the passive voice to maintain grammatical accuracy.

  3. "Conversly" -> "Conversely"
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling to "Conversely" ensures adherence to standard English spelling conventions.

  4. "took up" -> "accounted for"
    Explanation: "Took up" is somewhat informal. Replacing it with "accounted for" maintains formality and clarity in describing the portion of the workforce in each sector.

  5. "in thi period" -> "during this period"
    Explanation: "In thi period" is grammatically incorrect. "During this period" is the appropriate prepositional phrase to indicate the time frame.

  6. "the minority percent" -> "a minority percentage"
    Explanation: "The minority percent" is awkward phrasing. Using "a minority percentage" is more concise and grammatically correct.

  7. "in turn" -> "respectively"
    Explanation: "In turn" is less precise. Using "respectively" clarifies the order of the percentages in relation to their corresponding sectors.

  8. "remained relatively stable" -> "stayed relatively stable"
    Explanation: "Remained relatively stable" is redundant. "Stayed relatively stable" is a simpler and more direct way to convey the idea of stability.

  9. "recruited individuals" -> "employed individuals"
    Explanation: "Recruited individuals" implies newly hired workers, which may not be accurate in the context. "Employed individuals" is a better term to describe the workforce in this scenario.

  10. "very large proportion" -> "significant proportion"
    Explanation: "Very large" is somewhat informal. "Significant proportion" maintains formality while conveying the idea of a substantial amount.

  11. "king of employing" -> "leading in employing"
    Explanation: "King of employing" is a colloquial expression. Using "leading in employing" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately addresses the task by comparing the workforce distribution across four countries in 1980 and 2010. It provides a clear overview of the main trends, mentioning the upward trend in industry workers and the decrease in services and agriculture workers in most nations, with China as an exception. The key features, such as the proportions of workers in different sectors, are presented and highlighted, although some details could be clearer.

How to improve:
To improve, ensure a more coherent structure with smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Provide more accurate and precise data where necessary, avoiding vague terms like "slight oscillations" and "reverse pattern." Additionally, focus on maintaining consistency in the description of trends and avoid generalizations. Finally, proofread for grammar and spelling errors to enhance clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates some coherence and cohesion throughout, but there are areas that could be improved. The introduction and conclusion provide an overview of the essay’s content, establishing coherence. The use of transition words like "Overall" and "Conversely" aids in connecting ideas. However, there are some issues with cohesion, as some sentences lack clarity or logical flow, affecting coherence. For instance, "Conversly, China was dominant in terms of agriculture’s workforce during the time frame supplied" could be clearer. Additionally, there are instances of faulty cohesion, such as "Germany took up 60% of employed individuals in industry," where a clearer transition or referencing could enhance cohesion.

Paragraphing is generally adequate but could be improved for better logical organization. Each paragraph focuses on a central topic, contributing to coherence, but transitions between paragraphs could be smoother to enhance cohesion. For example, clearer topic sentences could better guide the reader through the essay’s progression.

How to improve:

  1. Clarify and refine sentence structures for better coherence.
  2. Ensure consistent use of transition words and phrases to enhance cohesion.
  3. Improve paragraphing by ensuring each paragraph has a clear central topic and smoother transitions between paragraphs.
  4. Use referencing and substitution more effectively to enhance cohesion within and between sentences.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary relevant to the task. There is an attempt to use a variety of words and expressions, but the language is often repetitive and lacks sophistication. While there are some instances of less common lexical items (e.g., "oscillations," "dominant"), they are not consistently employed throughout the essay. Spelling and word formation errors occur frequently, which may cause some difficulty for the reader. For instance, "conversly" should be "conversely," "thi" should be "this," and "recruited" should be replaced with a more suitable term in the context.

How to improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource, aim for a broader range of vocabulary with more precise and varied expressions. Avoid repetition by utilizing synonyms and alternative phrases. Proofread carefully to correct spelling and word formation errors. Additionally, consider incorporating more complex vocabulary and idiomatic expressions to elevate the sophistication of the language used in the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of sentence structures and shows some complexity, particularly in the introductory paragraph. There is an effort to include complex sentences, but they are often less accurate, leading to errors that can affect clarity. Additionally, there are grammatical errors and issues with punctuation throughout the essay, such as missing articles and inconsistent verb tense usage. While some sentences are error-free, frequent errors hinder overall coherence and understanding.

How to improve:
To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures consistently throughout the essay. Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, article usage, and tense consistency. Proofreading for grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes is crucial to ensure clarity and coherence. Additionally, practice constructing complex sentences accurately to enhance the sophistication of the writing while maintaining clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar charts depict the workforce distribution across three sectors in four countries—Germany, USA, Japan, and China—during the years 1980 and 2010.

Overall, it is apparent that there were notable shifts in workforce distribution over the given period, with industry employment generally increasing while service and agriculture employment decreased.

In 1980, Germany led in industrial employment, with 60% of its workforce engaged in this sector. The USA and Japan mirrored this trend, each having approximately 50% of their workforce in industry. Conversely, China stood out with 70% of its workforce in agriculture, while industry and services accounted for only 30% and 20% respectively.

By 2010, Germany maintained its dominance in industrial employment, with 80% of its workforce engaged in this sector. Japan and the USA followed closely behind, with approximately 77% and 70% respectively. Additionally, Germany stood out in service employment, employing 40% of its workforce in this sector, a significantly higher proportion compared to the other three nations. China continued to heavily rely on agriculture, with 50% of its workforce engaged in this sector.

Overall, while Germany, the USA, and Japan experienced stability or growth in industrial employment, China’s workforce remained largely agrarian throughout the period.

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