The charts detail the proportion of Australian secondary school graduates who were unemployed, employed or in further education in 1980, 1990, and 2000. Summarize the formation by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts detail the proportion of Australian secondary school graduates who were unemployed, employed or in further education in 1980, 1990, and 2000.
Summarize the formation by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

These three pie charts show the proportion of Australian secondary schools graduates that were unemployed, employed or in further education from 1980 to 2000.

The employed group was the biggest group from 1998 to 200. It rose up 15% from 40% to 55%. It took over the further education group for the first time in 2000. And the smallest group was the unemployed group with 10% in 1980 then went down to 8% in 2000.

In 1980 the employed group was the second but in 1990 it started to took over the further education group with more than 12%. Finally it became the biggest group with 55% more than further education group more than 18%.

The second biggest group from 1980 to 2000 was the further education group. The trend of the further education group was went down from 50% to 37%. In 1980, it was the biggest but it was took over by the employed group in 1990.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the biggest group" -> "the largest group"
Explanation: "Largest" is more formal and precise than "biggest," which is colloquial and less suitable for academic writing.
"from 1998 to 200" -> "from 1998 to 2000"
Explanation: The phrase is incomplete; specifying "2000" clarifies the time frame being discussed.
"rose up 15%" -> "increased by 15%"
Explanation: "Increased by" is a more formal and precise expression than "rose up," which is informal and less academically appropriate.
"took over the further education group" -> "surpassed the further education group"
Explanation: "Surpassed" conveys a clearer and more formal meaning than "took over," which can imply a more aggressive or informal connotation.
"the smallest group was the unemployed group" -> "the smallest group was the unemployed category"
Explanation: "Category" is more precise and formal than "group," which can be vague in this context.
"then went down to 8%" -> "decreased to 8%"
Explanation: "Decreased" is a more formal and precise term than "went down," which is informal.
"the employed group was the second" -> "the employed group was the second largest"
Explanation: Adding "largest" clarifies the comparison being made and maintains the formal tone.
"started to took over" -> "began to surpass"
Explanation: "Began to surpass" is grammatically correct and more formal than "started to took over," which contains a grammatical error ("took" should be "take").
"with more than 12%" -> "by more than 12%"
Explanation: "By" is the correct preposition to indicate the extent of the increase, while "with" is vague and less precise.
"the biggest group with 55% more than further education group more than 18%" -> "the largest group at 55%, exceeding the further education group by more than 18%"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the comparison and maintains formal language, improving the overall flow and precision of the statement.
"the second biggest group" -> "the second largest group"
Explanation: Again, "largest" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "biggest."
"the trend of the further education group was went down" -> "the trend of the further education group decreased"
Explanation: "Decreased" is a more formal and grammatically correct term than "was went down," which is incorrect.
"it was took over by the employed group" -> "it was surpassed by the employed group"
Explanation: "Surpassed" is a more formal and precise term than "took over," which can imply an informal context.

These changes enhance the academic tone, precision, and clarity of the essay while ensuring a natural flow of language.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay provides a general overview of the data, but it does not present a clear overview of the main trends. The essay also focuses on details rather than key features. For example, the essay states that the employed group was the biggest group from 1998 to 2000, but it does not mention that the employed group was the second biggest group in 1980. The essay also does not make comparisons between the three years.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends. The essay could also be improved by making comparisons between the three years. For example, the essay could state that the employed group increased from 40% in 1980 to 55% in 2000, while the further education group decreased from 50% to 37%. The essay could also state that the unemployed group decreased from 10% to 8% over the same period.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression in the argument. While it attempts to summarize the data from the pie charts, the logical flow is disrupted by awkward phrasing and grammatical errors. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and sometimes inaccurate, leading to confusion in the relationships between ideas. For instance, phrases like "the second but in 1990 it started to took over" are unclear and detract from coherence. Additionally, the paragraphing is not effectively utilized, as the transitions between ideas are abrupt and do not guide the reader smoothly through the information.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow of ideas by using clearer transitions between sentences and paragraphs. They should also work on correcting grammatical errors and awkward phrasing to ensure that the meaning is conveyed accurately. Utilizing a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic will also help in achieving a higher band score. Finally, organizing the information in a more structured manner, perhaps by summarizing the trends in each time period before making comparisons, would improve overall clarity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey the main features of the charts, the use of vocabulary is repetitive and lacks sophistication. There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "took over" which should be "overtook," and "was the second" which is awkwardly phrased. Additionally, there are issues with word formation and spelling, such as "1998 to 200" which should be "1998 to 2000," and "the trend of the further education group was went down," which is grammatically incorrect. These errors may cause some difficulty for the reader and detract from the overall clarity of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should aim to expand their vocabulary by incorporating more varied and precise terms related to the topic. Additionally, practicing the correct use of collocations and ensuring grammatical accuracy will improve clarity. Using synonyms to avoid repetition and employing more complex sentence structures can also contribute to a higher band score. Engaging with a wider range of reading materials can help in acquiring a more sophisticated vocabulary.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentences with some attempts at more complex forms. However, there are frequent grammatical errors, such as incorrect verb forms ("took over" instead of "taking over") and awkward phrasing ("the trend of the further education group was went down"). These errors can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning. Additionally, punctuation is inconsistent, which further detracts from clarity. Overall, while the essay conveys the main ideas, the grammatical inaccuracies hinder effective communication.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Variety in Sentence Structures: Incorporate a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical structures.
Verb Tense Consistency: Ensure that verb tenses are used correctly and consistently throughout the essay.
Punctuation: Review punctuation rules to improve clarity and readability.
Proofreading: Take time to proofread the essay to catch and correct grammatical errors before submission.

Bài sửa mẫu

These three pie charts illustrate the proportion of Australian secondary school graduates who were unemployed, employed, or engaged in further education from 1980 to 2000.

The employed group was the largest category from 1998 to 2000, increasing by 15% from 40% to 55%. It surpassed the further education group for the first time in 2000. Conversely, the unemployed group was the smallest, starting at 10% in 1980 and decreasing to 8% by 2000.

In 1980, the employed group ranked second; however, by 1990, it began to overtake the further education group, exceeding it by more than 12%. Ultimately, it became the largest group with 55%, surpassing the further education group by over 18%.

The further education group was the second largest from 1980 to 2000. Its trend declined from 50% to 37%. Initially the largest group in 1980, it was overtaken by the employed group in 1990.