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The diagram below shows how cheese is made. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The diagram below shows how cheese is made. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The given diagram illustrates the process of producing cheese.
Overall, it is obvious that there are totally nine stages of making cheese from acidification through various steps to distribution to the shops.
The process begins with a combination of raw milk and bacteria through the acidification procedure. Afterwards, a kind of enzyme is added as a catalyst to make the mixture become curds which is called solidification. The curds are cut into different small pieces in the next step so as to be subjected to great heat and drained in the pot.
Following this, after being drained and heated at high temperature, the mixture turns into liquid with added salt in the fifth step of the whole process. Subsequently, when the liquid mixture has been already, it will be kept in the mould by a specialized machine to make a shape. After two months of fermentation, the shaped cheese will be carefully packaged to be distributed to the shops.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "there are totally nine stages" -> "there are a total of nine stages"
    Explanation: Replacing "totally" with "a total of" provides a more precise and formal expression, enhancing the accuracy of the statement.

  2. "making cheese from acidification through various steps" -> "producing cheese, starting from acidification and progressing through various stages"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for better flow and clarity, and replacing "making" with "producing" adds a more sophisticated touch to the description of the cheese production process.

  3. "a kind of enzyme" -> "a specific enzyme"
    Explanation: Substituting "kind" with "specific" imparts a more precise and professional tone, specifying the nature of the enzyme involved in the cheese-making process.

  4. "mixture become curds which is called solidification" -> "mixture solidifies into curds"
    Explanation: Simplifying and clarifying the expression by using "solidifies into" instead of "become," and avoiding the unnecessary use of "which is called."

  5. "cut into different small pieces" -> "cut into small fragments"
    Explanation: Utilizing "fragments" instead of "different small pieces" provides a more nuanced and concise description of the cutting process.

  6. "subjected to great heat" -> "exposed to high temperatures"
    Explanation: Replacing "subjected to great heat" with "exposed to high temperatures" conveys the idea more precisely and employs a more advanced vocabulary.

  7. "heated at high temperature" -> "heated at elevated temperatures"
    Explanation: Substituting "high temperature" with "elevated temperatures" adds sophistication to the language, conveying the intensity of the heating process more precisely.

  8. "has been already" -> "has already been"
    Explanation: Adjusting the word order for grammatical correctness; "has already been" is the correct sequence.

  9. "kept in the mould by a specialized machine" -> "placed in the mold using a specialized machine"
    Explanation: Using "placed" instead of "kept" and specifying "using a specialized machine" adds clarity and precision to the description of the molding process.

  10. "After two months of fermentation" -> "Following a two-month fermentation period"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for better flow and replacing "After" with "Following" adds sophistication to the temporal description of the fermentation process.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the cheese-making process with appropriate information selection. It identifies nine stages and outlines the key steps involved in producing cheese, such as acidification, solidification, cutting, heating, salting, molding, and fermentation.

However, the response lacks detail and extension in certain areas. For instance, the description of each stage could benefit from more elaboration and clarity. Additionally, the transitions between stages are somewhat abrupt, and the overall flow could be improved for a more cohesive presentation.

How to improve:

  1. Add more details and explanations to each stage of the cheese-making process. Provide specific information about quantities, durations, or temperatures involved in each step to enhance the depth of the response.
  2. Ensure a smoother transition between stages by using appropriate linking words and phrases. This will contribute to a more coherent and logically structured essay.
  3. Pay attention to grammar and sentence structure for a more polished and refined presentation. Proofread the essay to eliminate errors and enhance overall clarity.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay falls into the Band 6 category for Coherence and Cohesion. The information is generally organized coherently, and there is a clear overall progression in the essay. The writer attempts to follow a chronological order of the cheese-making process, from acidification to distribution. However, there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is faulty or mechanical. For example, the transition between the fourth and fifth stages lacks clarity, making it slightly challenging for the reader to follow the process seamlessly.

There is an effort to use cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases like "Following this" and "Subsequently," but some of these connections are not as smooth as they could be. Additionally, there is room for improvement in referencing and substitution, as the writer sometimes repeats phrases like "mixture" and "shaped cheese" without introducing variety or using pronouns.

Paragraphing is generally used, but it is not always logical. The opening sentence could be more specific in introducing the main features of the process, providing a clearer roadmap for the reader. The conclusion is concise but could be enhanced by summarizing the key stages in the cheese-making process.

How to improve:

  1. Work on providing smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs to enhance overall coherence.
  2. Vary the use of cohesive devices and avoid repetitive phrasing to improve fluidity.
  3. Ensure logical and consistent paragraphing, with each paragraph focused on a specific stage or aspect of the cheese-making process.
  4. Consider a more detailed introduction that clearly outlines the main features to guide the reader.
  5. Pay attention to referencing and substitution, using pronouns effectively to avoid unnecessary repetition.

By addressing these points, the essay can achieve a higher band score for Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation. The essay effectively conveys the stages of cheese production, using terminology like "acidification," "solidification," and "fermentation." However, there are occasional errors in word choice and collocation, such as "after being drained and heated at high temperature," where a more precise phrase could be used. Overall, the vocabulary is varied, and the essay manages to convey the process with clarity.

How to improve: To improve the lexical resource score, aim for more precise and varied vocabulary. Avoid repetitive phrases and explore alternative expressions to convey the same meaning. Additionally, pay attention to collocations and word choices to reduce occasional inaccuracies. For instance, consider rephrasing sentences for smoother flow and better alignment with the technical nature of the topic.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. While there is an attempt to use a variety of structures, there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the essay. For example, in the second sentence, the phrase "there are totally nine stages" is grammatically inaccurate. Additionally, the sentence "Afterwards, a kind of enzyme is added as a catalyst to make the mixture become curds which is called solidification" is awkwardly structured and could be clearer in conveying the process.

While the essay manages to convey the main features of the cheese-making process, the language lacks precision, and there are instances where the meaning may be distorted due to grammatical errors.

How to improve:

  1. Work on sentence structure: Ensure that sentences are clear and well-structured. Avoid awkward phrasing that can lead to confusion.
  2. Grammar accuracy: Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and other grammatical rules. Review and revise to eliminate errors.
  3. Precision in vocabulary: Use precise and appropriate vocabulary to convey information. Avoid vague or inaccurate terms that may impact the overall clarity of the essay.
  4. Proofread: Take the time to carefully proofread the essay to catch and correct errors in grammar and punctuation. This will contribute to a more polished and accurate final product.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided diagram elucidates the sequential stages involved in the production of cheese. In summary, the process encompasses nine distinct phases, commencing with acidification and culminating in the distribution of the final product to retail establishments.

To initiate the process, raw milk undergoes a fusion with bacteria during the acidification stage. Following this, a catalytic enzyme is introduced to facilitate the solidification of the mixture, resulting in the formation of curds. Subsequently, these curds undergo a meticulous cutting process, followed by exposure to elevated temperatures and drainage in a designated container.

After the draining and heating phases, the mixture undergoes a transformation into a liquid state, incorporating the addition of salt in the fifth stage. This liquid concoction, having attained its desired composition, is then meticulously placed in a mold by a specialized apparatus to impart a distinct shape. Subsequent to a two-month fermentation period, the meticulously shaped cheese is thoughtfully packaged for distribution to retail outlets.

In refining this report, it is crucial to maintain a seamless flow and clarity in conveying the intricate stages of cheese production. Additionally, precise language and grammatical accuracy contribute to a more polished and effective presentation.

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