The diagram below shows how fish caught at sea are sorted on the ship according to size.

This diagram below illustrates the process in which the fish caught are classified by their size on the ship.
Overall, 8 steps included in the process initiating with a net are used to pull fish from the sea then culminating in the distributed fish to supermarket shelves.
The fish are pulled by a net from the sea, at which point they are deposited onto a conveyor belt. After that, the fish are moved to rotating separates which sort fish with their own size. In the next step, the small fish are filled into a tray with lots of ice to preserve the freshness of the fish. Then packaging them and moving to another place to serve the purpose of serving as food for animals.
Large fish are placed in ice boxes to maintain the best quality, then transported to supermarkets for consumption.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"This diagram below" -> "The diagram depicted below"
Explanation: "The diagram depicted below" is more formal and precise, enhancing the academic tone of the introduction.
"8 steps included in the process" -> "eight steps comprising the process"
Explanation: "Eight steps comprising the process" uses the correct ordinal number and a more formal phrase, which is more suitable for academic writing.
"initiating with a net" -> "initiated by a net"
Explanation: "Initiated by a net" corrects the grammatical structure to improve the sentence flow and clarity.
"then culminating in the distributed fish to supermarket shelves" -> "culminating in the distribution of fish to supermarket shelves"
Explanation: "The distribution of fish to supermarket shelves" corrects the awkward phrasing and aligns with formal academic style.
"The fish are pulled by a net" -> "The fish are retrieved using a net"
Explanation: "Retrieved using a net" is more precise and formal, replacing the less specific "pulled."
"are deposited onto a conveyor belt" -> "are placed onto a conveyor belt"
Explanation: "Are placed onto" is a more formal and precise verb choice than "are deposited," which is somewhat colloquial.
"rotating separates" -> "rotating separators"
Explanation: "Rotating separators" corrects the noun form to match the intended meaning, enhancing clarity and accuracy.
"sort fish with their own size" -> "sort fish by size"
Explanation: "Sort fish by size" is grammatically correct and more concise, avoiding redundancy.
"filled into a tray with lots of ice" -> "placed in a tray with ice"
Explanation: "Placed in a tray with ice" is more formal and avoids the informal "lots of."
"Then packaging them" -> "Then packaging them"
Explanation: "Then packaging them" should be "Then, packaging them" to maintain proper punctuation and clarity.
"moving to another place to serve the purpose of serving as food for animals" -> "transferred to another location for use as animal feed"
Explanation: "Transferred to another location for use as animal feed" is more precise and formal, avoiding redundancy and enhancing clarity.
"Large fish are placed in ice boxes" -> "Large fish are stored in refrigerated containers"
Explanation: "Stored in refrigerated containers" is a more precise and formal description than "placed in ice boxes."
"to maintain the best quality" -> "to preserve their quality"
Explanation: "To preserve their quality" is more specific and academically appropriate than "to maintain the best quality," which is vague and informal.
"then transported to supermarkets for consumption" -> "then transported to supermarkets for human consumption"
Explanation: Adding "human" clarifies the intended audience, enhancing specificity and formality.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the process, and the information is recounted mechanically. The essay also focuses on details rather than key features.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the process, highlighting the key features of each stage, and using more appropriate language. The essay should also avoid recounting details mechanically and focus on providing a clear and concise summary of the information.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to describe the process of sorting fish, the sequence of ideas is not entirely clear, and there are instances of inadequate use of cohesive devices. For example, phrases like "after that" and "in the next step" are used, but the transitions between steps could be smoother and more logically connected. Additionally, the paragraphing is not well-defined, as the ideas are somewhat jumbled together without clear separation. This leads to some confusion about the flow of information.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearly structuring the essay into distinct paragraphs, each with a central topic. Using a wider range of cohesive devices effectively will help in linking ideas more logically. Additionally, ensuring that each step in the process is presented in a clear, chronological order will improve overall progression and clarity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it conveys the basic process of sorting fish, the language used is often repetitive and lacks sophistication. There are noticeable errors in word choice and grammatical structure, such as "the distributed fish to supermarket shelves," which affects clarity. Additionally, phrases like "filled into a tray" and "packaging them and moving to another place" indicate awkward constructions. Errors in spelling and word formation are present, which may cause some difficulty for the reader.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and more precise language. Incorporating less common lexical items and ensuring correct collocations would improve the overall quality. Additionally, focusing on grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures can help convey ideas more clearly and effectively. Engaging with synonyms and more sophisticated terms related to the topic can also elevate the essay’s lexical richness.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. While there are some accurate structures, frequent grammatical errors are present, such as issues with verb forms and sentence clarity. For example, phrases like "the distributed fish to supermarket shelves" are awkward and grammatically incorrect. The errors occasionally hinder communication, making it difficult for the reader to fully grasp the intended meaning.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their range of grammatical structures by incorporating more complex sentences and ensuring accuracy in verb forms and sentence construction. Additionally, proofreading for grammatical errors and improving clarity in expression would enhance the overall quality of the writing. Using varied sentence starters and linking words can also help improve coherence and cohesion in the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

This diagram below illustrates the process by which fish caught at sea are classified by their size on the ship. Overall, the process consists of eight steps, beginning with a net that is used to pull fish from the sea and culminating in the distribution of fish to supermarket shelves.

The fish are caught using a net from the sea, after which they are deposited onto a conveyor belt. Following this, the fish are moved to rotating separators that sort them according to their size. In the next step, the smaller fish are placed into trays filled with ice to preserve their freshness. They are then packaged and transported to another location for use as animal feed.

Large fish are placed in ice boxes to maintain their quality and are subsequently transported to supermarkets for consumption.