The diagram below shows the manufacturing process for making sugar from sugar cane

The picture delineates how to manufacture sugar from sugar cane.
It is apparent that , there are seven steps in the process of producing sugar. The process begins with farming sugar cane plants,and ends with drying the substance in a cold environment.
The process commences with cultivating and nourishing sugar cane plants for a year to a year and a half to ensure the quality of each plants.Next, the mature plants will be harvested both by farmers manually and agricultural vehicles.At the third stage, the plants are transported to a modern system of crusher machines to be squeezed in order to get the juice.Afterward,the liquid will be purified by a filter made from limestone to eliminate dirty substances and collect pure juice.
Looking at the other steps, the juice is heated up in a evaporator to create a thick,viscid syrup.Subsequently, sugar crystal are separated from syrup by a machine called centrifuge . Finally,sugar crystals undergoes drying and cooling process before being delivered and sold on to consumers.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The picture delineates how to manufacture sugar from sugar cane." -> "The diagram illustrates the process of sugar production from sugarcane."
Explanation: "Delineates" is somewhat archaic and less precise in this context. "Illustrates" is more commonly used in academic texts to describe the representation of a process. Additionally, "sugarcane" is the preferred term over "sugar cane" in formal writing.
"It is apparent that, there are seven steps" -> "It is evident that there are seven steps"
Explanation: The comma after "that" is incorrect and should be removed. "Evident" is a more formal synonym for "apparent," which enhances the academic tone.
"The process begins with farming sugar cane plants,and ends with drying the substance in a cold environment." -> "The process commences with cultivating sugarcane and concludes with drying the substance in a controlled environment."
Explanation: "Commences" and "concludes" are more formal verbs than "begins" and "ends." "Sugarcane" should be used instead of "sugar cane" for consistency. "Controlled environment" is a more precise term than "cold environment," which could be misleading.
"The process commences with cultivating and nourishing sugar cane plants for a year to a year and a half to ensure the quality of each plants." -> "The process commences with cultivating and nurturing sugarcane for a year to a year and a half to ensure the quality of each plant."
Explanation: "Nourishing" is less specific and can be replaced with "nurturing" for clarity. "Each plants" should be "each plant" for grammatical correctness and clarity. "Sugarcane" should be used consistently.
"the mature plants will be harvested both by farmers manually and agricultural vehicles." -> "the mature plants are harvested both manually by farmers and using agricultural vehicles."
Explanation: "Will be" is less definitive and less formal than "are," which is more suitable for describing ongoing processes. "Using" is more formal than "by," and the order of "manually by farmers and using agricultural vehicles" is clearer and more grammatically correct.
"the plants are transported to a modern system of crusher machines to be squeezed in order to get the juice." -> "the plants are transported to modern crusher machines to extract the juice."
Explanation: "Squeezed" is informal and vague; "extract" is more precise and formal. "In order to get" is redundant and can be simplified to "to extract."
"the liquid will be purified by a filter made from limestone to eliminate dirty substances and collect pure juice." -> "the liquid is purified by a limestone filter to remove impurities and obtain pure juice."
Explanation: "Will be" is less definitive; "is" implies a continuous process. "Dirty substances" is vague; "impurities" is more specific. "Collect" is less precise than "obtain," which is more suitable for formal writing.
"sugar crystal are separated from syrup by a machine called centrifuge. Finally,sugar crystals undergoes drying and cooling process before being delivered and sold on to consumers." -> "sugar crystals are separated from syrup by a centrifuge. Finally, the sugar crystals undergo drying and cooling processes before being delivered to consumers."
Explanation: "Sugar crystal" should be pluralized to "sugar crystals" for grammatical agreement. "Undergoes" should be "undergo" for subject-verb agreement. "Process" should be pluralized to "processes" for consistency and accuracy. "Sold on to consumers" is informal; "delivered to consumers" is more appropriate for formal writing.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay adequately addresses the task by providing an overview of the process and highlighting the key features. However, the details provided are not always accurate or relevant. For example, the essay states that the sugar crystals are dried and cooled in a cold environment, which is not accurate. The essay also does not provide any specific information about the time it takes for each stage of the process.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate and relevant details about the process. The writer should also focus on providing a clear overview of the process, rather than simply listing the steps. For example, the writer could explain the purpose of each stage of the process and how it contributes to the overall production of sugar.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents a coherent overview of the sugar manufacturing process, with a clear overall progression from one step to the next. However, while the information is arranged logically, there are instances of mechanical cohesion, such as the use of cohesive devices that may not always connect ideas smoothly. For example, phrases like "Looking at the other steps" could be more effectively linked to the previous content. Additionally, there are some issues with punctuation and spacing, which detract from the clarity of the writing. Paragraphing is present but not always used effectively, as the essay could benefit from clearer separation of ideas or steps.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively, ensuring that transitions between ideas are smooth and logical. Improving punctuation and ensuring consistent spacing would also help in making the writing clearer. Lastly, organizing the essay into distinct paragraphs for each major step in the process would improve the overall structure and readability.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary appropriate for the task. It uses some less common lexical items, such as "delineates," "viscid," and "centrifuge," but there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. For instance, "a evaporator" should be "an evaporator," and "sugar crystal" should be "sugar crystals." There are also issues with punctuation and spacing, which affect the overall clarity of the writing. While the vocabulary used does not impede communication, the errors in word formation and spelling are frequent enough to detract from the overall quality.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision and accuracy. Paying attention to collocations and ensuring correct article usage would also help. Additionally, minimizing spelling errors and improving punctuation will contribute to clearer communication. Engaging with more sophisticated vocabulary and practicing its application in context can further elevate the essay’s lexical quality.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is a characteristic of Band 6. While the writer attempts to use a variety of structures, there are noticeable grammatical errors and issues with punctuation that occasionally hinder clarity. For instance, phrases like "the mature plants will be harvested both by farmers manually and agricultural vehicles" could be clearer, and there are missing spaces after commas and periods. Additionally, there are errors such as "sugar crystal are separated" (should be "sugar crystals") and "sugar crystals undergoes" (should be "sugar crystals undergo"). These errors, while not completely obstructing communication, do detract from the overall accuracy of the writing.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Punctuation: Ensure proper spacing after punctuation marks and correct use of commas to improve readability.
Subject-Verb Agreement: Pay attention to singular and plural forms to avoid errors like "sugar crystal are" and "sugar crystals undergoes."
Variety of Sentence Structures: Continue to incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures while ensuring accuracy in their construction.
Proofreading: Take time to review the essay for minor errors that can be easily corrected, which will help in achieving a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The picture delineates how sugar is manufactured from sugar cane. It is apparent that there are seven steps in the process of producing sugar. The process begins with farming sugar cane plants and ends with drying the substance in a cold environment.

The process commences with cultivating and nourishing sugar cane plants for a year to a year and a half to ensure the quality of each plant. Next, the mature plants are harvested both manually by farmers and by agricultural vehicles. At the third stage, the plants are transported to a modern system of crusher machines to be squeezed in order to extract the juice. Afterward, the liquid is purified using a filter made from limestone to eliminate impurities and collect pure juice.

Looking at the other steps, the juice is heated in an evaporator to create a thick, viscid syrup. Subsequently, sugar crystals are separated from the syrup by a machine called a centrifuge. Finally, the sugar crystals undergo a drying and cooling process before being delivered to consumers.