The diagram below shows the production technique of red wine. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The diagram depicts the production technique of red wine. Overall, the linear process of producing red wine consists of 10 steps, beginning with grapes selection and ending when the red wine are bottled.

In terms of the first stages include 5 initial steps in the process, initially, qualifying grapes are selectively picked and collected from the farms. These collected grapes are kept in anaerobic condition within 2 to 3 weeks before being crushed in a crushing machine. Subsequently, crushed grapes with skin are fermented to easily extract skins and stems with free-run juice, at the same time, the excess waste such as skins and stems is mechanically pressed in a drainer to yield any extra free-run juice for the next stage.

regarding the remaining five steps, once all free-run juice without the skin is fermented a second time in a pot, the juice will subsequently be put into filters to go through a clarification step so as to remove any impurities. the next step involves keeping fermented juice in oaken casks for maturation within 6-24 months after cleaning the fermented grapes thoroughly. Before bottling and sealing the products with brand labels, there are the addition of acid and sugar to ensure the tatse modification of the products.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The diagram depicts" -> "The diagram illustrates"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is a more precise and formal term than "depicts" in academic contexts, enhancing the scholarly tone of the introduction.
"the linear process of producing red wine consists of 10 steps" -> "the linear process of red wine production comprises 10 stages"
Explanation: "Comprises" is more specific and formal than "consists of" when referring to a detailed process, and "stages" is more commonly used in formal descriptions of processes than "steps."
"the first stages include" -> "the initial stages involve"
Explanation: "Involve" is more precise and formal than "include" in describing the actions that occur during a process.
"initially, qualifying grapes are selectively picked" -> "initially, high-quality grapes are carefully selected"
Explanation: "High-quality" is a more specific term than "qualifying," and "carefully selected" is more formal than "selectively picked."
"anaerobic condition" -> "anaerobic environment"
Explanation: "Environment" is a more precise term than "condition" in this context, as it accurately describes the setting in which the grapes are kept.
"crushed grapes with skin" -> "crushed grapes with their skins"
Explanation: Adding "their" clarifies that the skins belong to the grapes, enhancing clarity and formality.
"at the same time, the excess waste" -> "simultaneously, the excess waste"
Explanation: "Simultaneously" is more formal and precise than "at the same time," fitting better in an academic context.
"mechanically pressed in a drainer" -> "mechanically pressed using a drainer"
Explanation: "Using a drainer" specifies the tool used, which is more precise and formal than "in a drainer."
"the juice will subsequently be put into filters" -> "the juice is subsequently filtered"
Explanation: "Filtered" is a more direct and formal verb than "put into filters," streamlining the sentence and enhancing clarity.
"the next step involves keeping fermented juice in oaken casks" -> "the subsequent step involves storing fermented juice in oak barrels"
Explanation: "Storing" is a more precise term than "keeping," and "oak barrels" is a more specific and formal term than "oaken casks."
"the addition of acid and sugar to ensure the tatse modification" -> "the addition of acid and sugar to modify the taste"
Explanation: "Modify the taste" is grammatically correct and more formal than "ensure the tatse modification," which contains a typographical error and awkward phrasing.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the process of red wine production. The essay also presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, such as the initial stages of grape selection, crushing, and fermentation. However, some details are irrelevant, inappropriate, or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the grapes are kept in anaerobic conditions for 2-3 weeks, but the diagram does not specify the duration of this step. Additionally, the essay mentions that the juice is fermented a second time in a pot, but the diagram shows that the juice is fermented only once without the skin.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by focusing on the information presented in the diagram and avoiding irrelevant details. The essay should also be more accurate in its description of the process. For example, the essay should clarify that the juice is fermented only once without the skin and that the duration of the anaerobic condition is not specified in the diagram.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a coherent arrangement of information and ideas, with a clear overall progression from the initial stages of red wine production to the final bottling process. The use of cohesive devices is evident, although some instances may appear mechanical or slightly forced, particularly in the transitions between sentences and ideas. The paragraphing is present but could be improved for better logical flow, as the separation of the initial and remaining steps could be clearer. Overall, while the essay communicates the main features of the diagram, there are areas where cohesion could be enhanced.

How to improve:

Enhance Cohesion: Use a wider variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. For example, using linking words such as "firstly," "next," and "finally" can help guide the reader through the process more smoothly.
Clarify Paragraphing: Consider structuring the essay into clearer paragraphs, each focusing on a specific part of the process. This will help to delineate the different stages of production more effectively.
Refine Sentence Structure: Aim for more varied sentence structures to avoid mechanical repetition. This can enhance readability and maintain the reader’s interest.
Improve Referencing: Ensure that references to previous ideas or steps are clear and accurate. This will help to avoid confusion and reinforce the logical progression of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task of describing the production technique of red wine. It attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "anaerobic condition," "mechanically pressed," and "clarification," but there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the red wine are bottled" (should be "the red wine is bottled") and "the addition of acid and sugar to ensure the tatse modification" (should be "taste modification"). Additionally, there are some errors in spelling ("tatse") and word formation that do not impede overall communication but do detract from the lexical quality of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision and accuracy. This includes ensuring correct subject-verb agreement and refining word choices to better fit the context. Additionally, practicing spelling and reviewing common collocations can help reduce errors. Incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and phrases, while maintaining clarity, will also contribute to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. While there are some grammatical errors and punctuation issues present, they do not significantly impede communication. The writer attempts to convey the process clearly, but there are noticeable inaccuracies and awkward phrasing that detract from the overall clarity and fluency of the writing. For instance, phrases like "the linear process of producing red wine consists of 10 steps" and "the addition of acid and sugar to ensure the tatse modification of the products" contain grammatical errors and awkward constructions.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following:

Increase Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures while ensuring they are grammatically correct. This can be achieved by using relative clauses, conditional sentences, and varied conjunctions.
Proofreading for Errors: Carefully check for grammatical and punctuation errors before finalizing the essay. This includes subject-verb agreement, article usage, and ensuring that sentences are complete and coherent.
Clarity and Precision: Aim for clearer expression of ideas. For example, instead of "the addition of acid and sugar to ensure the tatse modification of the products," consider rephrasing to "the addition of acid and sugar to modify the taste of the wine."
Practice and Feedback: Regularly practice writing essays and seek feedback from knowledgeable sources to identify and correct persistent errors.

Bài sửa mẫu

The diagram depicts the production technique of red wine. Overall, the linear process of producing red wine consists of 10 steps, beginning with grape selection and ending when the red wine is bottled.

In terms of the initial stages, there are 5 steps in the process. Firstly, qualifying grapes are selectively picked and collected from the farms. These collected grapes are kept in anaerobic conditions for 2 to 3 weeks before being crushed in a crushing machine. Subsequently, the crushed grapes, along with their skins, are fermented to facilitate the extraction of skins and stems with free-run juice. At the same time, the excess waste, such as skins and stems, is mechanically pressed in a drainer to yield any extra free-run juice for the next stage.

Regarding the remaining five steps, once all free-run juice without the skin is fermented a second time in a pot, the juice is then put into filters to undergo a clarification step to remove any impurities. The next step involves storing the fermented juice in oak casks for maturation for a period of 6 to 24 months after thoroughly cleaning the fermented grapes. Before bottling and sealing the products with brand labels, acid and sugar are added to ensure the taste modification of the products.