The diagram details the process of making smoked fish.

The diagram details the process of making smoked fish.

The provided diagram illustrates how smoked fish are made.
As can be seen from the diagram, there are three main stages, beginning with the catch, transportation and freeze, followed by the intricate processes, and ending with the distribution to fish shops.
To begin with, fish are caught by nets and are transported to the port via boats. Then, fish are put in freezing boxes to remain their freshness.
The next step is thawing these fish in fresh water to prepare for following processes. At next stage, fish are meticulously cut open into adequate slices. After this, fish are soaked in salt water with an amount of yellow coloring. Then, smoking process takes place.
Once the smoking process completes, smoked fish are packaged in boxes and frozen in bins which are at zero degree Celsius. Before distribution, boxed fish are stored in a cold condition, then they are loaded on trucks on their way to fish shops. Here, smoked fish are available to meet the demands of consumers.

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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "the intricate processes" -> "the intricate processing stages"
    Explanation: Replacing "the intricate processes" with "the intricate processing stages" adds specificity and precision, providing a clearer description of the various steps involved in making smoked fish.

  2. "remain their freshness" -> "retain their freshness"
    Explanation: The phrase "retain their freshness" is a more appropriate choice, as it conveys the idea of preserving freshness in a grammatically correct manner.

  3. "thawing these fish" -> "thawing the fish"
    Explanation: Simplifying the phrase to "thawing the fish" maintains clarity and conciseness without affecting the meaning.

  4. "adequate slices" -> "suitable slices"
    Explanation: "Suitable slices" is a more precise term that conveys the idea of cutting the fish into appropriate sizes without the ambiguity of "adequate."

  5. "an amount of yellow coloring" -> "a quantity of yellow dye"
    Explanation: Replacing "an amount of yellow coloring" with "a quantity of yellow dye" specifies the substance used in the process more accurately, enhancing the essay’s technical clarity.

  6. "smoking process takes place" -> "smoking process is conducted"
    Explanation: The term "is conducted" adds formality and precision to the sentence, offering a more sophisticated alternative to "takes place."

  7. "frozen in bins" -> "cryogenically preserved in containers"
    Explanation: The term "cryogenically preserved in containers" introduces a more technical and advanced vocabulary, providing a nuanced description of the freezing process.

  8. "cold condition" -> "refrigerated environment"
    Explanation: Substituting "cold condition" with "refrigerated environment" offers a more specific and formal expression, conveying the controlled temperature setting more accurately.

  9. "smoked fish are available" -> "smoked fish are offered"
    Explanation: Replacing "smoked fish are available" with "smoked fish are offered" imparts a more sophisticated tone to the statement while maintaining clarity in conveying the availability of the product.

  10. "meet the demands of consumers" -> "satisfy the preferences of consumers"
    Explanation: Using "satisfy the preferences of consumers" instead of "meet the demands of consumers" elevates the language by incorporating a more refined term for consumer needs and desires.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

The essay adequately addresses the task by providing a clear overview of the main stages involved in making smoked fish. The three main stages—catching and transporting fish, the intricate processes, and distribution—are presented. Key features such as freezing, thawing, slicing, soaking, and smoking are mentioned. However, the essay lacks some detail and clarity in certain areas, affecting the overall depth of the response.

How to improve:

  1. Elaborate on Processes: Provide more detailed explanations of the intricate processes involved in making smoked fish. For example, elaborate on the smoking process, specifying the method and duration, and how it contributes to the final product.

  2. Improve Cohesion: Ensure a smooth flow between sentences and paragraphs. Some transitions are abrupt, impacting the overall coherence of the essay. Connect ideas more logically to enhance the reader’s understanding.

  3. Enhance Vocabulary: Utilize a wider range of vocabulary to express ideas more precisely. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "fish," consider incorporating synonyms or specific terms related to the type of fish being smoked.

  4. Address Grammar Issues: There are instances of grammatical errors, such as in the phrase "are transported to the port via boats." Correct these errors for a more polished and accurate presentation.

  5. Provide Specifics: When discussing freezing and storage, include specific details such as temperatures and durations to enhance the completeness of the response. This will demonstrate a deeper understanding of the processes involved in making smoked fish.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates overall coherence and cohesion. The information is presented in a logical order, with a clear progression from the catch and transportation stages to the distribution of smoked fish. Paragraphing is used, but there are instances where the logical flow could be improved. Cohesive devices are used effectively, but there are some faults in cohesion within and between sentences, such as in the transition from the freezing process to thawing. The central topic within each paragraph is generally clear, contributing to the overall coherence.
How to improve: To enhance coherence, ensure a smoother transition between sentences and paragraphs. Pay attention to the logical flow, especially in transitions between stages. Additionally, work on refining the use of cohesive devices to maintain a more seamless connection between ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision in expressing ideas related to the process of making smoked fish. There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary, such as "intricate processes," "meticulously," and "adequate slices." Additionally, there is awareness of style and collocation, evident in phrases like "freshness," "smoking process," and "distribution to fish shops." While there are occasional errors in word choice, such as "remain their freshness" (should be "maintain their freshness"), and some inaccuracies in collocation, such as "amount of yellow coloring" (it would be more precise to say "a dash of yellow coloring"), the overall use of vocabulary is sufficiently varied to convey the process effectively.

How to improve:

  1. Precision in Word Choice: Pay careful attention to word choice to ensure accuracy and precision. For example, consider using "maintain their freshness" instead of "remain their freshness."
  2. Collocation: Be mindful of collocation to enhance the fluency of expression. For instance, replace "amount of yellow coloring" with "a dash of yellow coloring" for more accurate collocation.
  3. Proofreading: Conduct a thorough proofread to identify and correct minor errors in word choice, spelling, and collocation. This will help enhance the overall accuracy of the essay.

Note: The essay effectively conveys the information about the process of making smoked fish but could benefit from slight improvements in precision and collocation for a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay falls into Band 6 as it demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. The candidate attempts a variety of structures, but there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation. While communication is generally maintained, these errors may cause some difficulty for the reader. For example, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "are transported to the port via boats," where the use of "by" instead of "via" would be more accurate. Additionally, there are some issues with subject-verb agreement, as seen in "smoked fish are available," where the plural subject should agree with the plural verb "are."

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the candidate should pay closer attention to sentence structure and avoid unnecessary complexity. Clearer expression and precise word choices would contribute to a smoother flow. Additionally, thorough proofreading is recommended to catch and correct errors in grammar and punctuation, ensuring a more polished final product.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided diagram illustrates the step-by-step process involved in the production of smoked fish.

The process of creating smoked fish involves several distinct stages. These stages encompass the initial catch and transportation of fish, freezing, intricate processing, and eventual distribution to fish shops.

The process begins with the capture of fish using nets, which are then transported to the port via boats. Subsequently, the fish are carefully placed in freezing boxes to maintain their freshness during transportation. The following steps involve thawing the fish in fresh water to facilitate subsequent processes.

Detailed Paragraphs:

  1. Transportation and Freezing:
    After the catch, the fish are swiftly transported to the port using boats. To preserve their freshness, the fish are placed in freezing boxes. This step ensures that the fish remain in optimal condition as they progress through the subsequent stages.

  2. Thawing and Processing:
    The next phase involves thawing the fish in fresh water, preparing them for the meticulous cutting process. The fish are expertly sliced open to the desired dimensions. Following this, the slices undergo immersion in saltwater, incorporating a measured amount of yellow coloring. The culmination of this stage is the smoking process.

  3. Smoking Process:
    The smoking process imparts the characteristic flavor to the fish. Once completed, the smoked fish are carefully packaged into boxes. These boxes are then frozen in bins maintained at zero degrees Celsius, ensuring the preservation of the smoked fish until distribution.

  4. Distribution to Fish Shops:
    Prior to distribution, the boxed smoked fish are stored in a cold environment. Subsequently, they are loaded onto trucks for transportation to fish shops, where they become available to meet the demands of consumers.

This revised essay maintains the integrity of the original data while enhancing clarity, coherence, and vocabulary usage in accordance with the standards expected in IELTS Task 1 writing.

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