The diagram shows the production of olive oil

The diagram illustrates on how olive oil is manufactured throughout the process.
Overall, generating olive oil need a total 7 stages of procedure, starting from harvesting olive leaves and ending with storing in the factory to sale.
The process begins when the collector picks olive leaves from tree. After harvesting, olive leaves are clearly rinsed in cold water’s condition. Next, belt system conveys all washed leaves to special machine. In this stage, olive leaves are smashed into two types of product, which are olive paste or olive stones. Nevertheless, only olive paste still is utilized on the contrary, olive stone is removed.
Subsequently, olive paste is put into some kinds of bag and holed. The next step of process is pressing due to all these bags are sent to compressor to soften. After this step, products are divided and classified into oil or water by a stage called “separating”. Last but not least, both oil and water are conveyed to agent, all commodities will storage or sale to customer.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"on how" -> "of"
Explanation: "Illustrates on how" is redundant. "Illustrates" already implies depicting a process, so "on how" can be replaced with "of" for smoother expression.
"need a total 7 stages" -> "require a total of 7 stages"
Explanation: "Need" is less formal; "require" is a more suitable term for describing the stages of a process. Additionally, "a total" can be followed by "of" for clarity and grammatical correctness.
"starting from harvesting olive leaves" -> "beginning with the harvesting of olives"
Explanation: "Starting from harvesting olive leaves" is awkward phrasing. "Beginning with the harvesting of olives" is more precise and flows better.
"to sale" -> "for sale"
Explanation: "For sale" is the correct prepositional phrase to indicate that the olive oil is being prepared for purchase.
"the collector picks olive leaves from tree" -> "the harvester picks olives from the tree"
Explanation: "Collector picks olive leaves" is inaccurate; it should be "harvester picks olives." Also, "from tree" should be "from the tree" for proper grammar.
"rinsed in cold water’s condition" -> "rinsed under cold water"
Explanation: "Cold water’s condition" is awkward phrasing. "Rinsed under cold water" is more concise and grammatically correct.
"belt system conveys" -> "belt system transports"
Explanation: "Conveys" is less precise than "transports" in this context. Using "transports" provides a clearer description of the action.
"are smashed into two types of product" -> "are processed into two types of products"
Explanation: "Smashed into two types of product" lacks specificity. "Processed into two types of products" better describes the action of transforming the olives into different products.
"still is utilized on the contrary" -> "is still utilized; however,"
Explanation: "Still is utilized on the contrary" is grammatically incorrect. Using "is still utilized; however," maintains clarity and proper syntax.
"Subsequently" -> "Afterward"
Explanation: "Subsequently" is less common in informal contexts. "Afterward" serves as a suitable alternative for transitioning to the next step in the process.
"put into some kinds of bag and holed" -> "placed into bags and perforated"
Explanation: "Put into some kinds of bag and holed" is unclear. "Placed into bags and perforated" provides a clearer description of the action.
"due to all these bags are sent to compressor to soften" -> "as all these bags are sent to a compressor for softening"
Explanation: "Due to all these bags are sent" is grammatically incorrect. "As all these bags are sent to a compressor for softening" provides a clearer and more accurate description of the process.
"products are divided and classified into oil or water" -> "products are separated and categorized into oil and water"
Explanation: "Divided and classified" is less precise than "separated and categorized" in this context. Using the latter provides a clearer description of the process.
"all commodities will storage or sale to customer" -> "all products will be stored or sold to customers"
Explanation: "Will storage or sale" is grammatically incorrect. "Will be stored or sold to customers" corrects the syntax and clarifies the intended meaning.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

[
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task and provides an overview of the stages involved in the production of olive oil. It covers the main steps adequately but lacks clarity in some parts due to language issues and inaccuracies.
How to improve: To improve, ensure clearer expression of ideas with accurate vocabulary and grammar. Focus on presenting the stages in a more organized and coherent manner. Provide more specific details about each stage of the process to enhance clarity and completeness.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay attempts to describe the process of olive oil production, but the organization and progression of ideas are unclear. There is no clear structure or logical progression in the presentation of information. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices is basic and sometimes inaccurate, leading to confusion for the reader. The lack of clear paragraphing further adds to the disorganization of the essay.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on organizing the essay in a logical manner with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Use cohesive devices such as conjunctions, transitions, and pronouns effectively to connect ideas and improve flow. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and supports the main idea coherently. Finally, revise for clarity and coherence, avoiding repetitive or confusing language.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of vocabulary usage with some repetitive language and inaccuracies in word choice and word formation. There is an attempt to describe the process of olive oil production, but the vocabulary lacks sophistication and precision. Some errors in spelling and word formation also impede communication, such as "holed" instead of "holed up" or "put into holes". Additionally, phrases like "a stage called ‘separating’" lack clarity and specificity.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, focus on expanding vocabulary to include more varied and appropriate terms related to the topic. Pay attention to word choice and ensure accuracy in spelling and word formation. Use descriptive language to convey the process more clearly, avoiding vague or unclear expressions. Finally, aim for more precise terminology to demonstrate a deeper understanding of the subject matter.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures, often relying on simple sentences. There are attempts at complex structures, but they are not consistently accurate. There are numerous grammatical errors throughout the essay, which hinder comprehension. Punctuation is frequently faulty, further impacting clarity.

How to improve: To improve the score, focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures, including both simple and complex sentences. Ensure accuracy in grammar and punctuation to enhance clarity and coherence. Review and revise the essay to correct errors and improve overall language proficiency.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided diagram illustrates the production process of olive oil.

Overall, the manufacturing of olive oil entails a total of seven stages, commencing with the harvesting of olive leaves and concluding with storage in the factory for sale.

The process initiates with collectors harvesting olive leaves from trees. Subsequently, the harvested leaves undergo thorough rinsing under cold water conditions. Following this, a belt system transports the washed leaves to a specialized machine where they are crushed into two distinct products: olive paste and olive stones. However, only the olive paste is utilized, while the olive stones are discarded.

The ensuing step involves placing the olive paste into various bags, each punctured with holes. These bags then undergo pressing in a compressor to facilitate softening. Following this step, the products undergo separation, categorizing them into oil and water components. Finally, both the oil and water are conveyed to agents, with all commodities either stored or sold to customers.

This revised version aims to maintain the original structure and data while refining the grammar, vocabulary, and coherence of the essay.