The diagrams below show the stages in the production of yoghurt. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The diagrams below show the stages in the production of yoghurt.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The provided diagrams illustrate the stages in the process of producing yoghurts.
Overall, the production involved the incubation of the mixture in different temperature from the pasteurization to the process of packaging. This production has totally four main stages.
Examining the diagrams more closely, one can see that the first stage of the process is called pasteurization. In this stage, the materials added to create a mixture are stabilizers, dry milk and sugar. They were poured into the milk contained in a hygienic stainless steel vessel. Then the mixture was heated to 85*C to eliminate all of the bacteria. The second stage is called the homogenization. In this step, the mixture is cooled down to 42*C. The following stage is fermentation taking place at 7*C and it stops at this temperature. The mixture is added a pack of cultures as they use them to convert the mixture into what is exactly called the yoghurt. The final step is packaging, the finished products are poured into the small jars and covered tightly to prevent the negative impact of the environment that can change the productions' features.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The provided diagrams illustrate" -> "The diagrams illustrate"
Explanation: Removing "The provided" simplifies the phrase and aligns better with the formal academic style, which typically avoids unnecessary words that do not add meaning.
"different temperature" -> "different temperatures"
Explanation: "Temperature" is a singular noun when referring to a single condition, but "temperatures" is the plural form necessary here to indicate multiple stages.
"This production has totally four main stages." -> "This process consists of four main stages."
Explanation: "Consists of" is a more precise and formal way to describe the composition of a process, replacing the colloquial and less accurate "has totally."
"Examining the diagrams more closely" -> "Upon closer examination of the diagrams"
Explanation: "Upon closer examination of" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase that enhances the precision and formality of the sentence.
"the materials added to create a mixture" -> "the ingredients added to the mixture"
Explanation: "Ingredients" is the more specific term used in scientific and technical contexts, replacing the more general "materials."
"They were poured into the milk contained in a hygienic stainless steel vessel." -> "They were poured into a hygienic stainless steel vessel containing milk."
Explanation: Reversing the order improves the sentence structure and clarity, making it more direct and formal.
"Then the mixture was heated to 85*C" -> "The mixture was then heated to 85°C"
Explanation: Adding "The" before "mixture" corrects the grammatical structure, and using "°C" for temperature is the standard unit in scientific and academic writing.
"The second stage is called the homogenization." -> "The second stage, homogenization"
Explanation: Removing "is called" simplifies and clarifies the description, aligning with academic style by avoiding unnecessary words.
"the mixture is cooled down to 42*C" -> "the mixture is cooled to 42°C"
Explanation: Similar to the previous correction, "cooled" should not be "cooled down" in formal scientific writing, and "°C" should be used consistently.
"The following stage is fermentation taking place at 7*C" -> "The subsequent stage, fermentation, occurs at 7°C"
Explanation: "Subsequent" is more precise than "following," and "occurs" is more formal than "taking place," aligning better with academic style.
"it stops at this temperature" -> "it ceases at this temperature"
Explanation: "Ceases" is a more formal and precise term than "stops," fitting better in an academic context.
"The mixture is added a pack of cultures" -> "The mixture is supplemented with a pack of cultures"
Explanation: "Supplemented" is more precise and formal than "added," and "with" is grammatically correct instead of "is added."
"they use them to convert the mixture into what is exactly called the yoghurt" -> "they convert the mixture into yoghurt"
Explanation: Removing "what is exactly called" simplifies and clarifies the sentence, making it more direct and formal.
"the finished products are poured into the small jars and covered tightly" -> "the finished products are filled into small jars and sealed"
Explanation: "Filled" is a more precise term than "poured," and "sealed" is more formal than "covered tightly," which is somewhat colloquial.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the stages in the production of yoghurt. The essay also presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, such as the ingredients used, the temperatures involved, and the purpose of each stage. However, some details are irrelevant, inappropriate, or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the mixture is heated to 85*C to eliminate all of the bacteria, but this is not entirely accurate. Pasteurization is designed to kill most harmful bacteria, but not all bacteria.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate information about the process of yoghurt production. The essay could also be improved by providing a more detailed overview of the stages, including the specific steps involved in each stage. For example, the essay could mention that the mixture is stirred during the fermentation stage.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. While it identifies the main stages of yoghurt production, the transitions between stages are not always clear, leading to a somewhat disjointed flow. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which affects the clarity of the relationships between ideas. Additionally, the paragraphing is not effectively utilized, as the essay could benefit from clearer separation of ideas and stages.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on organizing the essay into distinct paragraphs, each dedicated to a specific stage of the yoghurt production process. Using a wider range of cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases (e.g., "firstly," "subsequently," "finally"), can help clarify the progression of ideas. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that references are used appropriately will improve the overall flow and clarity of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task of describing the yoghurt production process. There are attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "pasteurization," "homogenization," and "fermentation," but some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation are present. For example, "the materials added to create a mixture are stabilizers, dry milk and sugar" could be more clearly expressed as "the ingredients used to create the mixture include stabilizers, dry milk, and sugar." Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "productions’ features" instead of "product’s features," which do not impede overall communication but detract from clarity.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary further, particularly by incorporating more sophisticated and precise terms related to food production. Additionally, improving collocation and ensuring correct word forms will help convey ideas more clearly. Practicing writing with a focus on varied sentence structures and ensuring accuracy in spelling and word formation will also contribute to a higher score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some attempts at using complex structures, the essay contains several grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that can hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "the production involved the incubation of the mixture in different temperature" and "the finished products are poured into the small jars" contain inaccuracies and awkward constructions. However, the overall meaning is still conveyed, and the errors do not completely obstruct communication.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy and increasing the variety of sentence structures. This can be done by proofreading the essay to correct errors in subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and punctuation. Additionally, incorporating more complex sentences with appropriate clauses and ensuring that all sentences are clear and error-free would help improve the overall grammatical range and accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided diagrams illustrate the stages in the process of producing yoghurt. Overall, the production involves the incubation of the mixture at different temperatures, from pasteurization to packaging. This process consists of four main stages.

Examining the diagrams more closely, one can see that the first stage of the process is called pasteurization. In this stage, the materials added to create a mixture are stabilizers, dry milk, and sugar. These ingredients are poured into the milk contained in a hygienic stainless steel vessel. Then, the mixture is heated to 85°C to eliminate all bacteria. The second stage is known as homogenization. In this step, the mixture is cooled down to 42°C. The following stage is fermentation, which takes place at 7°C and stops at this temperature. A pack of cultures is added to the mixture, as they are used to convert it into what is specifically called yoghurt. The final step is packaging, where the finished products are poured into small jars and covered tightly to prevent any negative impact from the environment that could alter the product’s features.