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The diagrams below shows how oil is expected in use of production of perfume.

The diagrams below shows how oil is expected in use of production of perfume.

The diagram illustrates how perfume is made from extracting oil.

Overall, it is discernible that the process consists of consecutive steps, commencing with heating water and ending with separating oil for perfume-making. It is also noticeable that the process is well-organized in three main stages including heating, mixing, and separating.

According to the diagram, the process begins with heating water in a special machine. When water boils and steam evaporates, aromatic plants are added. One of the subsequent steps that is important in making perfume is heating the mixture of water and aromatic plants until oil vapor is distilled.

As can also be seen in the diagram, the oil vapor is thinned out with cold water in a condensing machine before well-blending with essential oils. The process continues with separating essential oil in a separator in which hydrolat, commonly referred to as aromatic water is extracted and ready for making perfume and selling to customers


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is discernible that the process consists of consecutive steps" -> "The process comprises consecutive steps"
    Explanation: Replacing "It is discernible that" with "The process comprises" streamlines the sentence and employs a more concise expression.

  2. "commencing with heating water" -> "initiating with the heating of water"
    Explanation: Substituting "commencing with" with "initiating with the heating of" adds a touch of formality and precision to the description of the process.

  3. "It is also noticeable that the process is well-organized in three main stages" -> "The process exhibits well-defined stages"
    Explanation: Changing "It is also noticeable that" to "The process exhibits" results in a more assertive and direct statement, enhancing the overall clarity.

  4. "One of the subsequent steps that is important in making perfume" -> "An essential subsequent step in perfume production"
    Explanation: Replacing "One of the subsequent steps that is important in" with "An essential subsequent step in" simplifies the sentence and emphasizes the importance of the step more effectively.

  5. "thinned out with cold water" -> "diluted with cold water"
    Explanation: "Thinned out" can be replaced with "diluted," which is a more precise term in the context of mixing oil vapor with cold water.

  6. "before well-blending with essential oils" -> "prior to thorough blending with essential oils"
    Explanation: Substituting "well-blending" with "thorough blending" maintains clarity while introducing a more sophisticated term for the mixing process.

  7. "separating essential oil in a separator" -> "extracting essential oil using a separator"
    Explanation: Changing "separating essential oil in a separator" to "extracting essential oil using a separator" provides a clearer and more active description of the process.

  8. "hydrolat, commonly referred to as aromatic water is extracted" -> "hydrolat, commonly known as aromatic water, is obtained"
    Explanation: Adjusting the structure for clarity, placing the common name first, and using "obtained" instead of "extracted" enhance the sentence’s flow and precision.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately addresses the requirements of the task. It provides a clear overview of the main trends in the process of making perfume from oil extraction. The three main stages of heating, mixing, and separating are appropriately highlighted. The sequencing of steps is logical and easy to follow, contributing to a well-developed response.

How to improve:
While the essay effectively covers the key features and bullet points, there is room for improvement in extending the explanation. For instance, more details could be provided regarding the specific machines used in each step and the significance of hydrolat in the final product. Elaborating on these aspects would enhance the depth of the response, potentially pushing it towards a higher band score. Additionally, attention to language precision and clarity can further elevate the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a clear organization of information with a logical progression throughout. The writer uses cohesive devices appropriately, contributing to the overall coherence. Each paragraph presents a clear central topic related to the perfume-making process. The sequencing of information is generally effective, allowing the reader to follow the steps in the production. The use of cohesive devices aids in connecting ideas, creating a smooth flow.

However, there are instances of slightly awkward phrasing and overly complex sentence structures, which could have been simplified for enhanced clarity. Additionally, there is a slight repetition of certain words, and some sentences could be refined for smoother transitions.

How to improve:

  1. Sentence Structure: Simplify complex sentence structures for improved clarity.
  2. Word Choice: Avoid unnecessary repetition of words; aim for a diverse vocabulary.
  3. Transition Phrases: Use transition phrases to create smoother connections between sentences and paragraphs.
  4. Proofreading: Pay attention to grammatical accuracy and proofread the essay to catch minor errors.

Overall, the essay is well-organized and cohesive, but slight improvements in sentence structure and word choice could elevate its coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, covering the necessary steps in the process of making perfume from oil extraction. There is an attempt to use varied vocabulary, like "extracting," "consecutive steps," "distilled," "thinned out," and "hydrolat." However, there’s some inaccuracy and misuse, such as "essential oils" instead of "aromatic oils." While errors in spelling and word formation don’t impede understanding, there’s room for improvement in lexical precision.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, strive for greater accuracy in word choice and usage. Ensure precise terminology, such as using "aromatic oils" instead of "essential oils." Expand the vocabulary further by incorporating a wider array of specific terms related to the process, refining the language for clearer and more accurate descriptions.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a commendable use of a variety of complex structures, contributing to a generally good control of grammar and punctuation. The sentences are well-constructed and convey the intended meaning effectively. The use of transitional phrases such as "commencing with" and "one of the subsequent steps" showcases an attempt at sophistication in language. The essay also includes a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, enhancing the overall grammatical range. However, there are a few instances where the phrasing could be refined for more precision, and there are minor errors that slightly impact the overall accuracy. For instance, the phrase "shows how oil is expected in use of production of perfume" in the prompt could have been more accurately paraphrased in the introduction.

How to improve:
To elevate the grammatical range and accuracy to a Band 8 level, it would be beneficial to further refine sentence structures and focus on eliminating minor errors. Paying attention to precision in phrasing and ensuring that all sentences contribute seamlessly to the overall clarity of the essay would be essential. Additionally, a careful proofreading to catch any remaining errors or inconsistencies in punctuation could enhance the overall fluency of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Certainly! Here’s an improved version of the original report:


The provided diagrams illustrate the sequential process involved in the production of perfume through the extraction of oil.

Overall, the process is clearly delineated in three distinct stages: heating, mixing, and separating, culminating in the extraction of oil specifically for perfume manufacturing.

The process initiates by heating water within a specialized apparatus. Subsequently, when the water reaches its boiling point and transforms into steam, aromatic plants are introduced into the heated water. An essential subsequent step in perfume production involves the continuous heating of the water-aromatic plant mixture until the vaporized oil is distilled.

The diagrams also depict the refinement of the oil vapor by its dilution with cold water in a condensing unit before its amalgamation with essential oils. This fusion continues by separating the essential oil in a dedicated separator, yielding hydrolat, known as aromatic water. This aromatic water is then readily available for perfume creation and subsequent distribution to consumers.


This revised version maintains the original data points while enhancing the vocabulary, refining the sentence structures, and ensuring clearer and more precise explanations.

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