The effects of smoking

It is argued that smoking put people at a significant risk of many problems. First of all, smoking can boost you mood temporarily, this lead to a higher exposure of dopamine which will decrease after a while. This situation make people more challenging to control their mood. Secondary, smoking causes many health issues, such as lung cancer and heart disease. Furthermore, smoking also has negative impacts on pregnancy and newborns by causing miscarriage, asthma, and ear infections to babies. Eventually, smoking can affect your skin, speed up aging and make them less nutrition. Moreover, they can cause diabetes complication because of the resistance of insulin in you body.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"smoking put people at a significant risk of many problems" -> "smoking poses a significant risk to individuals of various health problems"
Explanation: The verb "poses" is more formal and precise than "put," and "individuals" is more specific than "people." Additionally, "various health problems" is more specific than "many problems," enhancing the academic tone of the statement.
"smoking can boost you mood temporarily" -> "smoking can temporarily elevate one’s mood"
Explanation: "Elevate" is a more formal synonym for "boost," and "one’s mood" is a more formal expression than "your mood," which is less appropriate in academic writing.
"this lead to a higher exposure of dopamine" -> "this leads to increased dopamine levels"
Explanation: "Leads" is the correct form of the verb to use with "this," and "increased dopamine levels" is a more precise and scientifically accurate phrase than "a higher exposure of dopamine."
"This situation make people more challenging to control their mood" -> "This situation makes it more challenging for individuals to control their mood"
Explanation: "Makes" is the correct form of the verb to use with "situation," and "for individuals" is more formal than "people." Additionally, "more challenging" is grammatically correct compared to "more challenging to."
"Secondary, smoking causes many health issues" -> "Furthermore, smoking causes numerous health issues"
Explanation: "Furthermore" is a more formal transitional phrase than "Secondary," and "numerous" is more precise than "many" in academic writing.
"smoking also has negative impacts on pregnancy and newborns" -> "smoking also has adverse effects on pregnancy and newborns"
Explanation: "Adverse effects" is a more specific and formal term than "negative impacts," which is somewhat vague and less precise.
"causing miscarriage, asthma, and ear infections to babies" -> "resulting in miscarriage, asthma, and ear infections in babies"
Explanation: "Resulting in" is more precise and formal than "causing," and "in babies" is grammatically correct compared to "to babies."
"speed up aging and make them less nutrition" -> "accelerate aging and reduce nutritional value"
Explanation: "Accelerate" is a more precise term than "speed up," and "reduce nutritional value" is a clearer and more formal expression than "make them less nutrition."
"they can cause diabetes complication" -> "they can lead to diabetes complications"
Explanation: "Lead to" is a more formal and accurate expression than "cause," and "complications" should be plural to match the plural subject "they." Additionally, "in your body" should be "in the body" for grammatical correctness and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt regarding the effects of smoking; however, it lacks comprehensive coverage of the topic. While it mentions several negative health effects, such as lung cancer and impacts on pregnancy, it does not explore the broader implications of smoking, such as social, economic, or environmental effects. Additionally, the essay fails to provide a balanced view by discussing potential counterarguments or benefits, which would enrich the response.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should aim to cover a wider range of effects related to smoking. This could include discussing the social stigma associated with smoking, the economic costs to healthcare systems, and the impact of smoking on public spaces. Including a variety of perspectives will demonstrate a more thorough understanding of the topic.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a clear and consistent position regarding smoking. While it identifies smoking as harmful, it does not explicitly state a stance or opinion on whether smoking should be banned or regulated, which could guide the reader through the argument. The transitions between points are also weak, leading to a disjointed reading experience.
- How to improve: The writer should clearly articulate their position on smoking in the introduction and reinforce this viewpoint throughout the essay. Using phrases such as "In my opinion" or "It is essential to recognize" can help establish a clear stance. Additionally, using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help maintain focus and coherence.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are somewhat underdeveloped. For instance, while the essay mentions health issues caused by smoking, it does not provide sufficient detail or examples to support these claims. The mention of "boosting mood" is vague and lacks elaboration on how this leads to addiction or further health complications.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide specific examples and evidence to support their claims. For instance, citing statistics on smoking-related diseases or including testimonials from healthcare professionals could strengthen the argument. Additionally, expanding on each point with explanations or real-world implications will enhance the depth of the essay.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the effects of smoking. However, some points, such as the mention of "speed up aging" and "make them less nutrition," are vague and could confuse the reader regarding their relevance to the main topic. The lack of clarity in these areas detracts from the overall focus of the essay.
- How to improve: To maintain topic relevance, the writer should ensure that each point directly relates to the effects of smoking. Avoiding vague phrases and instead using precise language will help clarify the argument. It may also be helpful to outline the main points before writing to ensure that all aspects of the topic are covered clearly and concisely.

Overall, the essay needs to be expanded to meet the word count requirement and to provide a more thorough exploration of the topic. By addressing these areas for improvement, the writer can enhance the clarity, depth, and effectiveness of their response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the effects of smoking, with distinct points made about its impact on mood, health issues, pregnancy, and skin. However, the organization could be improved as the points are not presented in a fully logical order. For instance, the transition from discussing mood to health issues lacks a clear connection, which can confuse the reader. The use of "First of all" and "Secondary" suggests an attempt at organization, but the flow between ideas is somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using a more structured approach, such as grouping related ideas together. For example, discuss all health-related issues in one paragraph and then transition to the psychological effects in another. Additionally, using transitional phrases like "In addition," or "Furthermore," can help create smoother connections between points.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks clear paragraphing, which makes it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. All points are presented in a single block of text, which can overwhelm the reader and obscure the main ideas. Effective paragraphing would allow each effect of smoking to be explored in its own section, making the essay more digestible.
- How to improve: Implement a clear paragraph structure by starting a new paragraph for each distinct point. For example, one paragraph could focus solely on the psychological effects of smoking, while another could address health issues, and a third could discuss impacts on pregnancy and skin. Each paragraph should begin with a topic sentence that clearly states the main idea.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "First of all," "Secondary," and "Furthermore." However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and their application is sometimes awkward, leading to a lack of fluidity in the writing. For instance, the phrase "this lead to a higher exposure of dopamine" is not clearly connected to the previous sentence, which diminishes the effectiveness of the cohesion.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. Consider using synonyms or alternative phrases for "first," "second," and "furthermore," such as "initially," "subsequently," or "additionally." Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used in a way that clearly connects ideas, making the relationships between sentences and paragraphs more explicit. For example, instead of saying "this situation make people more challenging to control their mood," clarify the connection by rephrasing to something like, "As a result, individuals may find it increasingly difficult to manage their mood."

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately improving the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument presented.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary related to the topic of smoking, such as "health issues," "lung cancer," "heart disease," and "miscarriage." However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited in variety and sophistication. For instance, phrases like "boost your mood" and "speed up aging" are quite basic and could be replaced with more advanced synonyms or expressions. Additionally, the use of "many problems" is vague and could be specified further to enhance clarity and depth.
- How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, consider incorporating more varied terms and expressions. For example, instead of saying "boost your mood," you could use "elevate one’s mood" or "enhance emotional well-being." Additionally, rather than "many problems," specify the types of problems, such as "numerous health complications" or "a myriad of adverse effects."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "this lead to a higher exposure of dopamine" should be corrected to "this leads to an increased release of dopamine." The term "make them less nutrition" is also incorrect; a more precise phrase would be "make them less nutritious." The use of "secondary" instead of "second" is also a bit awkward in this context, as it is typically used in a more formal or structured argument.
- How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning. Review the essay for phrases that could be more precise and consider synonyms or rephrasing. For example, instead of "make them less nutrition," you could say "reduce their nutritional value." Additionally, ensure subject-verb agreement and correct verb forms to enhance clarity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "put" instead of "puts," "lead" instead of "leads," "make" instead of "makes," and "you body" instead of "your body." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, it is advisable to proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify errors. Additionally, practicing spelling common words and phrases related to the topic can build confidence and reduce mistakes in future writings. Consider creating a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of the topic with some relevant vocabulary, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and focusing on spelling, the overall quality of the writing can be significantly enhanced.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple and compound sentences. For example, the sentence "First of all, smoking can boost your mood temporarily, this lead to a higher exposure of dopamine which will decrease after a while" combines a simple statement with a dependent clause. However, the use of complex sentences is limited, and there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "this lead to" which should be "this leads to." The overall structure tends to be repetitive, primarily relying on a straightforward sequence of ideas without much variation in how they are expressed.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that combine independent and dependent clauses effectively. For example, instead of stating "smoking causes many health issues," the writer could elaborate with a complex structure: "Although smoking is often perceived as a stress reliever, it ultimately leads to numerous health issues, including lung cancer and heart disease." Practicing sentence combining exercises and varying sentence beginnings can also help diversify the writing style.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For instance, "put people at a significant risk" should be "puts people at a significant risk," indicating a subject-verb agreement error. Additionally, the phrase "this lead to" should be corrected to "this leads to," which is a tense error. The use of commas is inconsistent; for example, the sentence "First of all, smoking can boost your mood temporarily, this lead to a higher exposure of dopamine which will decrease after a while" incorrectly uses a comma to connect two independent clauses, which should be separated by a period or a semicolon.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review subject-verb agreement rules and ensure that verbs are correctly conjugated according to the subject. Additionally, practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas and conjunctions, will enhance clarity. Reading sentences aloud can help identify awkward phrasing and grammatical mistakes. Furthermore, utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can assist in catching errors before finalizing the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of grammatical structures, there is significant room for improvement in both the variety of sentence structures and the accuracy of grammar and punctuation. Focusing on these areas will help elevate the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is argued that smoking poses a significant risk to individuals due to various health problems. First of all, smoking can temporarily elevate one’s mood; this leads to increased dopamine levels, which will decrease after a while. This situation makes it more challenging for people to control their mood. Secondly, smoking causes numerous health issues, such as lung cancer and heart disease. Furthermore, smoking also has negative impacts on pregnancy and newborns, leading to complications such as miscarriage, asthma, and ear infections in babies. Eventually, smoking can affect your skin, accelerate aging, and make it less nourished. Moreover, it can cause complications related to diabetes due to insulin resistance in your body.