The first chart below shows how energy is used in an average Australian household. The second chart shows the greenhouse gas emissions which result from this energy use. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The first chart below shows how energy is used in an average Australian household.
The second chart shows the greenhouse gas emissions which result from this energy use.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

THE CHART SHOWS HOW AUSTRALIAN USE ENERY IN HOUSEHOLD AND THE GREENHOUSE GAS EMISSIONS OF THESE THINGS . THERE ARE MANY THINGS THAT FIRST AT ALL , THE MAJOR ENERY IS USED FOR HEATING BECAUSE ITS UP TO 42% OF ALL THE MACHINE OF AUSTRALIAN HOUSEHOLD ENERY USE BUT THE GAS EMISSIONS IT RELEASE TO THE ENVIRONMENT IS NOT TOO MUCH , JUST 15%. THE MAIN REASON IS BECAUSE AUSTRALIA ALWAYS HAVE COLD WEATHER SO THEY NEED TO USE THE HEATING MACHINE A LOT FOR KEEPING WARM THEIR BODY AND FOR ANOTHER REASON , THAT WEATHER LEAD TO THE PROBLEMS THAT THEY NEED TO HAVE A WARM WATER FOR BATHING AND DRINKING TO KEEP THEIR BODY WARM IN ALL THE YEAR SO THE WATER HEATING MACHINE IS ALWAYS BE USED AND THAT ONE IS 30% AND THE GAS EMISSIONS ITS RELEASE TO THE ENVIRONMENT IS 32% AND THAT KEEP THE MAJOR OF THE GAS EMISSIONS CHART . THE NEXT ONE IS ALSO VERY NECESSARY NOT ONLY FOR AUSTRALIAN BUT ALSO FOR EVERYBODY IN OVER THE WORLD , THAT IS A FRIDGE AND ITS KEEP 7% IN CHART . THEY NEED FRIDGE TO KEEP OUR FOOD FRESH AND STORE FOOD FOR MANY REASONS SUCH AS DAILY MEALS IN EVERY DAY , OR THEY CAN STORE JUNK FOOD FOR EATING WITH THEIR FAMILY OR FRIEND IN SOME SPECIAL OCCASION OF THE YEAR , BUT THE PERCENT OF GAS EMISSIONS IT REALSE IS DOULE IS 14% . AND THE MOST NECESSARY NEXT TO IT IS LIGHTING BECAUSE WE CAN’T SEE ANYTHING IF WE LOSS THE SUN LIGHT AND THAT IS NOT COMFORTABLE AND EASY TO DO ANYTHING SO WE VERY VERY NEED TO USE THE LIGHT AND IT ALSO KEEP 4% OF THE CHART , AND 8% GAS EMISSIONS RELEASE TO THE ENVIRONMENT . COOLING KEEP THE LITTLE PERCENT IN THE CHART BECAUSE THE AUSTRALIAN JUST USE IT IN SOME CASE AND IT ONLY KEEP 2% AND OF COUSRE , THE GAS EMISSIONS OF ITS JUST ONLY 3% . AND 15% RELY ON THE OTHER APPLIANCES THAT AUSTRALIAN USE IN THEIR DAILY LIFE TO COMFORT THEIR REQUIREMENT , BUT THE PERCENT OF THEIR APPLIANCES IS UP TO 28% OF ALL THE CHART .

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"USE ENERY" -> "USE ENERGY"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling of "ENERY" to "ENERGY" enhances clarity and professionalism.
"THE GREENHOUSE GAS EMISSIONS OF THESE THINGS" -> "THE GREENHOUSE GAS EMISSIONS ASSOCIATED WITH THESE ACTIVITIES"
Explanation: The phrase "these things" is vague; specifying "activities" provides clarity and aligns with academic language.
"FIRST AT ALL" -> "FIRSTLY"
Explanation: "First at all" is an informal expression; "firstly" is more appropriate for academic writing.
"MAJOR ENERY IS USED FOR HEATING" -> "PRIMARY ENERGY IS UTILIZED FOR HEATING"
Explanation: "Major" is informal; "primary" is more precise. "Utilized" is a more formal alternative to "used."
"ITS UP TO 42% OF ALL THE MACHINE OF AUSTRALIAN HOUSEHOLD ENERY USE" -> "IT ACCOUNTS FOR UP TO 42% OF TOTAL ENERGY CONSUMPTION IN AUSTRALIAN HOUSEHOLDS"
Explanation: This revision improves grammatical accuracy and clarity while using more formal language.
"NOT TOO MUCH" -> "RELATIVELY LOW"
Explanation: "Not too much" is informal; "relatively low" is more precise and appropriate for an academic context.
"AUSTRALIA ALWAYS HAVE COLD WEATHER" -> "AUSTRALIA EXPERIENCES COLD WEATHER"
Explanation: "Always have" is colloquial; "experiences" is a more formal and precise term.
"FOR KEEPING WARM THEIR BODY" -> "TO MAINTAIN BODY WARMTH"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed; "to maintain body warmth" is clearer and more concise.
"THAT WEATHER LEAD TO THE PROBLEMS" -> "THIS WEATHER LEADS TO CHALLENGES"
Explanation: "Lead" should be "leads" for grammatical accuracy, and "challenges" is a more formal term than "problems."
"WARM WATER FOR BATHING AND DRINKING TO KEEP THEIR BODY WARM IN ALL THE YEAR" -> "WARM WATER FOR BATHING AND DRINKING TO MAINTAIN BODY TEMPERATURE YEAR-ROUND"
Explanation: This revision improves clarity and formality while eliminating redundancy.
"THE WATER HEATING MACHINE IS ALWAYS BE USED" -> "WATER HEATERS ARE CONSISTENTLY UTILIZED"
Explanation: "Always be used" is grammatically incorrect; "are consistently utilized" is more precise and formal.
"AND THAT ONE IS 30%" -> "WHICH ACCOUNTS FOR 30%"
Explanation: "That one is" is informal; "which accounts for" is more precise and formal.
"THE GAS EMISSIONS ITS RELEASE TO THE ENVIRONMENT IS 32%" -> "THE GAS EMISSIONS RELEASED INTO THE ENVIRONMENT ACCOUNT FOR 32%"
Explanation: This revision corrects grammatical errors and improves clarity.
"THE NEXT ONE IS ALSO VERY NECESSARY NOT ONLY FOR AUSTRALIAN BUT ALSO FOR EVERYBODY IN OVER THE WORLD" -> "THE NEXT APPLIANCE IS ESSENTIAL NOT ONLY FOR AUSTRALIANS BUT ALSO FOR PEOPLE WORLDWIDE"
Explanation: "Very necessary" is informal; "essential" is more precise. "In over the world" is awkward; "worldwide" is a more natural expression.
"ITS KEEP 7% IN CHART" -> "IT ACCOUNTS FOR 7% OF THE CHART"
Explanation: "Its keep" is grammatically incorrect; "it accounts for" is the correct expression.
"THEY NEED FRIDGE TO KEEP OUR FOOD FRESH" -> "FRIDGES ARE NECESSARY TO KEEP FOOD FRESH"
Explanation: This revision improves clarity and formality.
"JUNK FOOD FOR EATING WITH THEIR FAMILY OR FRIEND IN SOME SPECIAL OCCASION OF THE YEAR" -> "SNACKS FOR SHARING WITH FAMILY OR FRIENDS ON SPECIAL OCCASIONS"
Explanation: "Junk food" is informal; "snacks" is more neutral. "In some special occasion of the year" is awkward; "on special occasions" is clearer.
"BUT THE PERCENT OF GAS EMISSIONS IT REALSE IS DOULE IS 14%" -> "HOWEVER, THE PERCENTAGE OF GAS EMISSIONS RELEASED IS 14%"
Explanation: "But" should be "however" for formality, and "it realease is double is" is grammatically incorrect.
"AND THE MOST NECESSARY NEXT TO IT IS LIGHTING" -> "ANOTHER ESSENTIAL APPLIANCE IS LIGHTING"
Explanation: "Most necessary" is informal; "another essential appliance" is more precise.
"WE CAN’T SEE ANYTHING IF WE LOSS THE SUN LIGHT" -> "VISIBILITY IS COMPROMISED WITHOUT NATURAL LIGHT"
Explanation: The original phrase is overly informal; this revision uses more formal language.
"AND THAT IS NOT COMFORTABLE AND EASY TO DO ANYTHING" -> "WHICH MAKES IT INCONVENIENT TO PERFORM TASKS"
Explanation: This revision improves clarity and formality.
"SO WE VERY VERY NEED TO USE THE LIGHT" -> "THEREFORE, ARTIFICIAL LIGHTING IS CRUCIAL"
Explanation: "Very very need" is informal and redundant; "is crucial" is a more formal expression.
"COOLING KEEP THE LITTLE PERCENT IN THE CHART" -> "COOLING ACCOUNTS FOR A SMALL PERCENTAGE IN THE CHART"
Explanation: "Keep the little percent" is awkward; "accounts for a small percentage" is clearer.
"BECAUSE THE AUSTRALIAN JUST USE IT IN SOME CASE" -> "BECAUSE AUSTRALIANS ONLY USE IT IN CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES"
Explanation: "The Australian" is incorrect; "Australians" is the correct plural form. "Just use it in some case" is vague; "only use it in certain circumstances" is clearer.
"AND OF COUSRE , THE GAS EMISSIONS OF ITS JUST ONLY 3%" -> "AND, OF COURSE, THE GAS EMISSIONS FROM IT ACCOUNT FOR ONLY 3%"
Explanation: "Of cousre" is a spelling error; "of course" is correct. "The gas emissions of its just only" is awkward; "the gas emissions from it account for only" is clearer.
"AND 15% RELY ON THE OTHER APPLIANCES THAT AUSTRALIAN USE IN THEIR DAILY LIFE TO COMFORT THEIR REQUIREMENT" -> "AND 15% RELATES TO OTHER APPLIANCES USED BY AUSTRALIANS IN THEIR DAILY LIVES TO MEET THEIR NEEDS"
Explanation: "Rely on" is not the correct phrase; "relates to" is more appropriate. "Comfort their requirement" is awkward; "meet their needs" is clearer and more formal.
"BUT THE PERCENT OF THEIR APPLIANCES IS UP TO 28% OF ALL THE CHART" -> "HOWEVER, THE PERCENTAGE OF GAS EMISSIONS FROM THESE APPLIANCES ACCOUNTS FOR 28% OF THE TOTAL"
Explanation: "But" should be "however" for formality, and "is up to" is vague; "accounts for" is more precise.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4

Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task but does not cover all key features/bullet points. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main features of the charts. The essay also confuses key features/bullet points with detail. For example, the essay states that "the major energy is used for heating because its up to 42% of all the machine of Australian household energy use" but does not provide any further information about the other energy uses. The essay also states that "the gas emissions it release to the environment is not too much, just 15%" but does not provide any further information about the other gas emissions.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main features of the charts. The essay could also be improved by providing more information about the key features/bullet points. For example, the essay could state that "the major energy is used for heating because its up to 42% of all the machine of Australian household energy use, while water heating is the second largest energy use at 30%." The essay could also state that "the gas emissions it release to the environment is not too much, just 15%, while water heating is the largest source of greenhouse gas emissions at 32%."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay presents information and ideas, but they are not arranged coherently, and there is no clear progression throughout the response. While it attempts to discuss the energy usage and greenhouse gas emissions, the lack of logical organization makes it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. The use of cohesive devices is basic and often inaccurate, leading to confusion. Additionally, the paragraphing is inadequate, as the essay reads as a single block of text without clear separations of ideas.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on organizing the essay into clear paragraphs, each with a distinct main idea. Using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately will help connect ideas logically. It is also important to ensure that each paragraph presents a clear central topic and that the information flows logically from one point to the next. Finally, proofreading for grammatical accuracy and clarity will improve overall readability.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, primarily using basic terms and phrases to describe energy usage and greenhouse gas emissions. The vocabulary is often repetitive and lacks sophistication, which is characteristic of a Band 4 score. There are noticeable errors in spelling and word formation (e.g., "ENERY," "RELEASE," "DOULE," "ITS"), which can cause strain for the reader and impede communication. The essay does attempt to convey information, but the inaccuracies and basic vocabulary usage do not meet the requirements for a higher band.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary by incorporating more varied and precise terms related to energy and environmental topics. Additionally, practicing correct spelling and word formation will help reduce errors. Using synonyms and less common lexical items, while ensuring accuracy in word choice and collocation, can also elevate the overall quality of the essay. Finally, structuring the essay more clearly and logically will improve coherence and readability.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a very limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentences with occasional attempts at complex forms. While some sentences convey basic ideas, the frequent grammatical errors and awkward phrasing significantly hinder clarity and coherence. For example, phrases like "THE CHART SHOWS HOW AUSTRALIAN USE ENERY" and "THE GAS EMISSIONS ITS RELEASE" contain errors that disrupt understanding. Additionally, punctuation is often faulty, leading to run-on sentences and confusion for the reader. Overall, while some information is presented, the predominant errors and limited structure prevent effective communication.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following:

Variety of Sentence Structures: Incorporate a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences to create a more engaging and varied writing style.
Grammar and Punctuation: Review basic grammar rules, particularly subject-verb agreement and verb tenses. Practicing punctuation will help in avoiding run-on sentences and improving clarity.
Proofreading: Take time to revise the essay for errors before submission. Reading aloud can help identify awkward phrasing and grammatical mistakes.
Use of Connectives: Employ linking words and phrases to improve the flow of ideas and make comparisons clearer. This will also help in structuring the essay more logically.

Bài sửa mẫu

The chart illustrates how energy is utilized in an average Australian household, as well as the corresponding greenhouse gas emissions resulting from this energy consumption.

Firstly, the primary energy source is heating, which accounts for 42% of total energy use in Australian households. However, the greenhouse gas emissions associated with heating are relatively low, at only 15%. This can be attributed to Australia’s generally cold climate, necessitating the frequent use of heating systems to maintain warmth. Additionally, the cold weather creates a demand for hot water for bathing and drinking, leading to significant energy consumption from water heating, which represents 30% of total energy use. The emissions from water heating are higher, at 32%, making it a major contributor to greenhouse gas emissions.

Another essential appliance is the refrigerator, which constitutes 7% of energy usage. Refrigerators are vital for keeping food fresh and storing meals for various occasions, including daily meals and special gatherings. However, the greenhouse gas emissions from refrigerators are notably higher, at 14%.

Lighting is also crucial, as it is necessary for visibility when natural sunlight is insufficient. It accounts for 4% of energy consumption, with associated emissions of 8%.

Cooling systems represent a smaller portion of energy use, at just 2%, with greenhouse gas emissions of only 3%. Finally, 15% of energy consumption is attributed to other appliances that Australians use in their daily lives, which collectively contribute to 28% of total greenhouse gas emissions.