The following graph shows the rates of poverty and unemployment in an Asian country in the years 2004 to 2009. Summarize the given information by reporting the main features and making comparison where relevant.

The following graph shows the rates of poverty and unemployment in an Asian country in the years 2004 to 2009.
Summarize the given information by reporting the main features and making comparison where relevant.

The given line chart depicts the poverty and unemployment rate in an Asian country over the period of 5 years from 2004 to 2009.
A closer look at the chart shows that the unemployment rate exhibited a downward trend throughout the period. Specifically, starting at 10 millions in 2004, the number of jobless people then ascended up to the peak of 11 million in 2006 before dropping gradually back to 9 million in 2008. Subsequently, it picked up pace to drop down to the bottom of almost 7 million in 2009.
The figures for indivliving in poverty show a similar trend with figures starting at 36 million in 2004, decreasing marginally to 35 million one year later, before changing direction to jump up to peak of 39 million in 2006. From then on the poverty rate underwent a steady and sharp decline till the end of the period, resulting in a surge to 31 million in 2009.
Overall, the graph reveals that there was a peak in both poverty and jobless rate in 2006 and since then, both rates have seen a decline.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "A closer look at the chart shows that the unemployment rate exhibited a downward trend throughout the period." -> "Upon closer examination of the chart, it becomes evident that the unemployment rate experienced a consistent decline over the entire period."
   Explanation: The phrase "A closer look at the chart" is less formal. The suggested alternative, "Upon closer examination of the chart," maintains formality and adds a level of precision.

2. "Specifically, starting at 10 millions in 2004, the number of jobless people then ascended up to the peak of 11 million in 2006 before dropping gradually back to 9 million in 2008." -> "In particular, commencing at 10 million in 2004, the unemployment figure rose to its zenith at 11 million in 2006, subsequently experiencing a gradual descent to 9 million in 2008."
   Explanation: The phrase "the number of jobless people" can be replaced with the more formal "unemployment figure." The sentence is also rephrased for better flow and clarity.

3. "Subsequently, it picked up pace to drop down to the bottom of almost 7 million in 2009." -> "Following this, it accelerated its decline, reaching nearly 7 million in 2009."
   Explanation: The use of "picked up pace" is less formal. "Accelerated its decline" is a more academically appropriate alternative, maintaining precision.

4. "The figures for indivliving in poverty show a similar trend with figures starting at 36 million in 2004, decreasing marginally to 35 million one year later, before changing direction to jump up to peak of 39 million in 2006." -> "The statistics for individuals living in poverty exhibit a comparable pattern, initiating at 36 million in 2004, experiencing a slight decrease to 35 million a year later, and subsequently reversing course, reaching a peak of 39 million in 2006."
   Explanation: "Figures" is replaced with "statistics" for a more formal tone. The sentence is also restructured for better clarity and precision.

5. "From then on the poverty rate underwent a steady and sharp decline till the end of the period, resulting in a surge to 31 million in 2009." -> "From that point onwards, the poverty rate underwent a consistent and pronounced decline until the conclusion of the period, culminating in a surge to 31 million in 2009."
   Explanation: The phrase "From then on" is replaced with "From that point onwards" for increased formality. The terms "steady and sharp decline" provide a more nuanced description of the trend.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay provides a clear summary of the main features of the graph, addressing both poverty and unemployment rates. It mentions the initial and final years, identifies trends, and compares the rates during the given time frame.
  • How to improve: While the essay adequately covers all parts of the question, a more detailed exploration of specific years or notable changes could enhance the depth of the analysis. Encourage the writer to delve into more nuanced aspects of the data.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a neutral and objective tone, effectively presenting the information without taking a personal stance. The language is clear and straightforward, aiding comprehension.
  • How to improve: As the prompt doesn’t require a personal opinion, the essay appropriately refrains from taking a position. However, the writer should be mindful of maintaining this objectivity in other essay types where a personal stance is expected.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas in a structured manner, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. It extends ideas by providing specific details on the trends in both poverty and unemployment rates over the specified years.
  • How to improve: While the essay provides a solid foundation, encouraging the inclusion of additional relevant details, such as potential reasons for the observed trends, would further enrich the content.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay successfully stays on topic by focusing on the rates of poverty and unemployment, without introducing unrelated information.
  • How to improve: To enhance focus, suggest the writer use specific data points from the graph to support their statements. This would reinforce the essay’s relevance and make it more data-driven.

Overall, the essay effectively addresses the key elements of the task response criteria, with room for improvement in terms of depth of analysis and inclusion of additional supporting details. The writer demonstrates a good understanding of the data and maintains clarity and coherence throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically. It starts by introducing the chart and then proceeds to discuss the trends in unemployment and poverty rates over the specified period. The chronological order of information aids comprehension. However, the explanation of the figures could benefit from a more structured approach, providing a clearer delineation between unemployment and poverty trends.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider dedicating distinct paragraphs to unemployment and poverty trends. This separation will help readers follow the discussion more easily. Additionally, ensure that transitions between different time points are smooth and explicit.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to present information, but the structure could be refined for better effectiveness. The first paragraph introduces the chart, while subsequent paragraphs delve into the trends for unemployment and poverty rates. However, within these sections, there are opportunities to create more cohesive paragraphs by focusing on specific aspects or trends.
  • How to improve: Improve paragraph structure by addressing one key aspect or trend in each paragraph. For instance, have a paragraph specifically dedicated to the peak in 2006 for both unemployment and poverty rates. This approach will contribute to a clearer and more organized presentation.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices, such as transition words (specifically, "specifically," "subsequently," "overall"), to connect ideas. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and frequency of cohesive devices. Enhancing the use of these devices can contribute to a smoother and more coherent flow of ideas.
  • How to improve: Introduce a broader range of cohesive devices, including synonyms for commonly used transition words. For example, instead of always using "specifically," consider using alternatives like "notably," "particularly," or "in particular." Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are strategically placed to guide the reader through the essay’s progression.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied terms, such as "ascended," "marginally," and "underwent," but the variety is somewhat limited. The essay could benefit from a more diverse selection of vocabulary, especially in describing trends and transitions.
  • How to improve: To enhance the lexical range, consider incorporating synonyms and alternative expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "rate" and "figures," explore terms like "percentage" or "statistics." This can contribute to a more nuanced and sophisticated expression of ideas.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with reasonable precision, but there are instances where terms could be more accurately chosen. For example, the phrase "changing direction to jump up" could be refined for clearer precision.
  • How to improve: Focus on selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Instead of "changing direction," consider using terms like "shifting" or "altering course." This will contribute to a more refined and exact expression of ideas.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with no major spelling errors. However, there are minor issues such as "indivliving" instead of "individuals" and missing spaces in "ascended up." These do not significantly impede comprehension but can be improved for a polished presentation.
  • How to improve: Carefully proofread the essay to catch minor spelling and typographical errors. Additionally, consider using writing tools with spell-check features to assist in identifying and correcting such issues. Paying attention to detail in spelling will enhance overall writing professionalism.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a commendable effort in lexical resource, refining the range of vocabulary and ensuring precise word choices can elevate the writing to a higher band score. Additionally, meticulous attention to spelling details will contribute to an overall polished and professional presentation.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a moderate range of sentence structures. Simple, compound, and complex sentences are used, contributing to a satisfactory variety. However, there is room for improvement in the use of complex structures, such as conditional sentences or more sophisticated connectors.
  • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures. For instance, introducing conditional sentences (e.g., "If the trend continues…") or employing advanced connectors (e.g., "Furthermore," "Consequently") can add sophistication to your writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For example, in the phrase "figures for indivliving," there is a typographical error ("indivliving" should be corrected to "individuals living"). Additionally, there are occasional instances where sentence structures could be refined for clarity.
  • How to improve: Pay close attention to proofreading to catch typographical errors. For clarity, consider revising sentences like "From then on the poverty rate underwent a steady and sharp decline till the end of the period, resulting in a surge to 31 million in 2009." This sentence could be rephrased for smoother flow, such as "Subsequently, the poverty rate steadily and sharply declined, culminating in a surge to 31 million by 2009." Also, be cautious with verb tenses, ensuring consistency throughout the essay.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical structures, but there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy for enhanced clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided line chart illustrates the poverty and unemployment rates in an Asian country from 2004 to 2009.

Upon closer examination of the chart, it becomes evident that the unemployment rate experienced a consistent decline over the entire period. In particular, commencing at 10 million in 2004, the unemployment figure rose to its zenith at 11 million in 2006, subsequently experiencing a gradual descent to 9 million in 2008. Following this, it accelerated its decline, reaching nearly 7 million in 2009.

The statistics for individuals living in poverty exhibit a comparable pattern, initiating at 36 million in 2004, experiencing a slight decrease to 35 million a year later, and subsequently reversing course, reaching a peak of 39 million in 2006. From that point onwards, the poverty rate underwent a consistent and pronounced decline until the conclusion of the period, culminating in a surge to 31 million in 2009.

In summary, both the unemployment and poverty rates peaked in 2006, and since then, there has been a continuous decrease in both rates.