the graph below gives information about the percentage of the female members of parliament in Europe countries (2000-2012)

The line graph illustrated the proportion of female parliament members in five countries including Germany, Italy, France, the UK and Belgiumn over a period from 2000 to 2012.
In general, all countries experienced an upward trend during the period shown, with Italy being the nation with the highest percentage of women in legislative council in 2012.
In the first year, 2000, the UK accounted for the lowest proportion of female members in parliament, just around 4%, however, this figure rose slightly in the following four years and continued to increase dramatically to reach a peak of nearly 37% in the final year of the period. Stood at 16% in 2000, the ratio of parliament women in Belgium then climbed rapidly to 28% in 2004 before declining steadily over the remaining 8 years.
Meanwhile, Italy and Germany experienced a similar stable uptrend over the period of 12 years, with the percentage of female congress members were always higher than the remaining countries. Whereas the figure for Italy grew from around 26% to just under 40% , that of Germany increased by only 4%, to be at about 37% during the period between 2000 and 2012. In 2000, around 25% of parliament members in France were women, nevertheless, this figure went up to 32% in 2012 after going through a gradual fall from 2004 to 2008.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"illustrated" -> "illustrates"
Explanation: The present tense "illustrates" is more appropriate for describing the content of the graph, as it indicates an ongoing relevance of the information presented.
"the nation with the highest percentage of women in legislative council" -> "the country with the highest percentage of women in the legislative council"
Explanation: "Country" is more commonly used than "nation" in this context, and "the legislative council" specifies the type of council being referred to, enhancing clarity.
"just around 4%" -> "approximately 4%"
Explanation: "Approximately" is a more formal and precise term than "just around," which is somewhat informal and vague.
"this figure rose slightly in the following four years" -> "this figure increased modestly in the subsequent four years"
Explanation: "Increased modestly" is a more formal and precise expression than "rose slightly," which improves the academic tone of the writing.
"to reach a peak of nearly 37% in the final year of the period" -> "reaching a peak of nearly 37% in the final year of the period"
Explanation: Changing "to reach" to "reaching" improves the flow of the sentence by maintaining parallel structure with the previous clause.
"Stood at 16% in 2000" -> "Standing at 16% in 2000"
Explanation: "Standing" maintains the present participle form, which is consistent with the previous verb forms and improves grammatical flow.
"the ratio of parliament women" -> "the ratio of women in parliament"
Explanation: "Women in parliament" is a more natural phrasing that aligns better with standard English usage.
"then climbed rapidly to 28% in 2004 before declining steadily over the remaining 8 years" -> "then increased rapidly to 28% in 2004 before declining steadily over the subsequent eight years"
Explanation: "Increased" is a more formal term than "climbed," and "subsequent" is more precise than "remaining," enhancing the academic tone.
"a similar stable uptrend" -> "a similarly stable upward trend"
Explanation: "Similarly" is the correct adverbial form here, and "upward trend" is the more standard phrase in academic writing.
"the percentage of female congress members were always higher" -> "the percentage of female congressional members was consistently higher"
Explanation: "Congressional members" is the correct term, and "was consistently higher" maintains subject-verb agreement and enhances clarity.
"that of Germany increased by only 4%, to be at about 37%" -> "while that of Germany increased by only 4% to approximately 37%"
Explanation: "While" provides a clearer contrast between the two countries, and "approximately" is more formal than "to be at about."
"nevertheless, this figure went up to 32% in 2012 after going through a gradual fall from 2004 to 2008" -> "however, this figure rose to 32% in 2012 after experiencing a gradual decline from 2004 to 2008"
Explanation: "However" is more formal than "nevertheless," and "rose" is a more precise verb than "went up." "Experiencing a gradual decline" is clearer and more academic than "going through a gradual fall."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the graph, but it does not fully extend the key features. For example, the essay states that Italy had the highest percentage of women in parliament in 2012, but it does not provide any specific details about this trend. The essay also presents some irrelevant details, such as the spelling of "Belgium" as "Belgiumn".

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the key features of the graph. For example, the essay could state that Italy’s percentage of women in parliament increased from around 26% in 2000 to just under 40% in 2012. The essay could also be improved by avoiding irrelevant details and focusing on the main trends in the graph.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression. The writer effectively arranges the information by discussing each country in turn and provides a general overview at the beginning. However, there are instances where the cohesion between sentences could be improved, as some transitions feel mechanical or forced. The use of cohesive devices is present but not always effective, leading to occasional confusion. Additionally, while the essay uses paragraphs, the organization within them could be clearer, particularly in distinguishing between different countries’ trends.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively, ensuring that transitions between ideas are smooth and logical. Improving paragraph structure by clearly defining the central topic of each paragraph and ensuring that all sentences within a paragraph relate directly to that topic would also help. Additionally, avoiding repetitive phrases and varying sentence structure can contribute to a more engaging and fluid essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, effectively conveying the main trends and details of the graph. However, there are attempts to use less common vocabulary that are not always accurate, such as "legislative council" instead of "parliament" and "congress members" instead of "members of parliament." Additionally, there are some errors in word formation and minor spelling mistakes (e.g., "Belgiumn" instead of "Belgium"), which detract from the overall clarity. While these errors do not severely impede communication, they indicate a need for improvement in precision and control of lexical features.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary accurately, ensuring that less common lexical items are used correctly in context. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and word formation errors would help to improve clarity. Expanding vocabulary through reading and practice can also aid in achieving more sophisticated language use.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While the writer attempts to use a variety of structures, there are noticeable grammatical errors and issues with punctuation that can occasionally hinder communication. For instance, phrases like "the ratio of parliament women" should be "the ratio of women in parliament," and there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "the percentage of female congress members were always higher," where "were" should be "was." These errors indicate that while the writer has a basic control of grammar, there are lapses that affect clarity.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy and expanding the range of sentence structures. This can be done by proofreading the essay for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, ensuring that subject-verb agreement is maintained, and practicing more complex sentence constructions. Additionally, using varied punctuation correctly can help improve the overall clarity and fluidity of the writing. Engaging with more complex grammatical forms and ensuring that they are used accurately will also contribute to a stronger performance in this criterion.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph illustrates the proportion of female members of parliament in five countries, including Germany, Italy, France, the UK, and Belgium, over a period from 2000 to 2012. In general, all countries experienced an upward trend during the period shown, with Italy being the nation with the highest percentage of women in the legislative council in 2012.

In the first year, 2000, the UK accounted for the lowest proportion of female members in parliament, at just around 4%. However, this figure rose slightly in the following four years and continued to increase dramatically, reaching a peak of nearly 37% in the final year of the period. Starting at 16% in 2000, the ratio of female parliament members in Belgium then climbed rapidly to 28% in 2004 before declining steadily over the remaining eight years.

Meanwhile, Italy and Germany experienced a similar stable uptrend over the 12-year period, with the percentage of female congress members consistently higher than in the other countries. While the figure for Italy grew from around 26% to just under 40%, that of Germany increased by only 4%, reaching approximately 37% during the period from 2000 to 2012. In 2000, around 25% of parliament members in France were women; nevertheless, this figure rose to 32% in 2012 after experiencing a gradual decline from 2004 to 2008.