The graph below gives information about the percentage of the population in four Asian countries living in cities from 1970 to 2020, with predictions for 2030 and 2040

The line graph illustrates data about the proportion of citizens in four Asian countries between 1970 and 2020, with expectations for 2030 and 2040.
Overall, the proportion of citizens in four Asian countries witnessed an upward trend. Initially, Indonesia saw the lowest figure for the population living in cities but then surpassed two other countries to become the second-highest percentage of citizens.
In 1970, the Philippines accounted for the highest population living in cities, at around 31 percent, followed by the figure for citizens in Malaysia with approximately 30 percent. Two years later, the proportion of citizens in Malaysia overtook that in the Philipines before continuing to decrease under the figure for citizens in the Philipines, at around 42 percent in 1990. Meanwhile, the Philipines relatively increased at nearly 49 percent in 1990. In contrast, Thailand and Indonesia began with minimal figures for citizens, with 19 percent and 15 percent respectively in 1970. Then they increased constantly with 29 percent and 21 percent in turn in 1990.
Afterward, the percentage of citizens in Malaysia continued to rise sharply until this figure is predicted to reach a peak of 81 percent by 2040. Meanwhile, the figure for citizens in the Philipines saw a decrease before forecasting to recover slightly at 51 percent at the end of the period. The proportion of citizens in Thailand is predicted to rise relatively to around 49 percent by 2040 after nearly remaining stable from 1990 to 2020. Finally, Indonesia saw a dramatic increase, surpassing two other countries and becoming the second highest citizen in predictions by 2040.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The line graph illustrates" -> "The line graph depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise and formal term than "illustrates" in the context of presenting data in a graph, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"witnessed an upward trend" -> "exhibited an upward trend"
Explanation: "Exhibited" is more specific and academically appropriate than "witnessed" when describing the change in data over time, as it directly relates to the display of data in the graph.
"the lowest figure for the population living in cities" -> "the lowest proportion of urban dwellers"
Explanation: "Proportion of urban dwellers" is a more precise and formal way to describe the data, avoiding the redundancy of "figure for the population living in cities."
"then surpassed two other countries to become the second-highest percentage of citizens" -> "then surpassed the other two countries to become the second-highest urban population"
Explanation: "Urban population" is a more specific term than "percentage of citizens," which is vague and less precise in this context. Additionally, "the other two countries" is clearer than "two other countries" for referring to specific countries previously mentioned.
"the figure for citizens in the Philipines" -> "the proportion of citizens in the Philippines"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "Philipines" to "Philippines" and uses "proportion" instead of "figure" for consistency with the academic style of discussing data.
"relatively increased at nearly 49 percent" -> "increased to nearly 49 percent"
Explanation: "Increased to nearly 49 percent" is grammatically correct and clearer than "relatively increased at nearly 49 percent," which is awkward and unclear.
"Then they increased constantly with 29 percent and 21 percent in turn" -> "They then consistently increased to 29 percent and 21 percent"
Explanation: "Consistently" is more precise than "constantly," and "increased to" is grammatically correct and clearer than "increased with," which is incorrect in this context.
"Afterward, the percentage of citizens in Malaysia continued to rise sharply until this figure is predicted to reach a peak of 81 percent by 2040" -> "Subsequently, the percentage of citizens in Malaysia is expected to continue rising sharply, reaching a peak of 81 percent by 2040"
Explanation: "Subsequently" is a more formal temporal transition than "Afterward," and "is expected to continue rising" is more precise and formal than "continued to rise," which is less specific.
"the figure for citizens in the Philipines saw a decrease before forecasting to recover slightly at 51 percent at the end of the period" -> "the proportion of citizens in the Philippines decreased before forecasting a slight recovery to 51 percent by the end of the period"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "Philipines" to "Philippines" and uses "forecasting a slight recovery" for a more formal and precise expression of future predictions.
"The proportion of citizens in Thailand is predicted to rise relatively to around 49 percent by 2040" -> "The proportion of citizens in Thailand is expected to rise to approximately 49 percent by 2040"
Explanation: "Expected to rise to approximately" is more precise and formal than "predicted to rise relatively," which is vague and incorrect in this context.
"surpassing two other countries and becoming the second highest citizen" -> "surpassing the other two countries and becoming the second-highest urban population"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error and maintains consistency with the formal style by using "urban population" instead of "citizen," which is incorrect in this context.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but it does not fully extend the key features. For example, the essay states that "the proportion of citizens in four Asian countries witnessed an upward trend", but it does not provide any specific details about the rate of increase or the overall magnitude of the trend. The essay also presents some key features, such as the fact that Indonesia saw the lowest figure for the population living in cities in 1970, but it does not fully highlight these features.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the trends and key features in the data. For example, the essay could state that the proportion of citizens living in cities in Malaysia increased from approximately 30% in 1970 to approximately 81% in 2040, which is a significant increase. The essay could also highlight the fact that Indonesia saw a dramatic increase in the proportion of citizens living in cities, surpassing two other countries and becoming the second highest in predictions by 2040.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay presents information about the percentage of the population living in cities across four Asian countries over a period from 1970 to 2040. It attempts to organize the information chronologically, describing trends in each country over time. However, there are significant issues with coherence and cohesion that prevent it from scoring higher.

Organisation: The essay attempts to organize the information chronologically, but the progression is not always clear. There are abrupt shifts between discussing different countries and time periods, which can confuse the reader.
Cohesive Devices: There is some attempt to use cohesive devices such as pronouns ("they", "it", "this") and linking words ("meanwhile", "afterward"). However, these are often used inaccurately or inappropriately, leading to confusion rather than clarity.
Paragraphing: The essay is structured into paragraphs, but the logic behind the paragraph breaks is not always clear. This affects the overall coherence of the essay.
How to improve:
1. Clearer Structure: Ensure a clearer progression of ideas by organizing information in a more logical sequence. This could involve discussing each country’s data in a more systematic order, possibly grouped by decades.

Cohesive Devices: Use cohesive devices more effectively to link sentences and ideas. Focus on using them accurately to maintain coherence throughout the essay.
Paragraph Unity: Ensure each paragraph focuses on a clear central topic related to the data from one or more countries in a specific time frame. This will help in maintaining a coherent and organized flow of information.

Improving these aspects will help elevate the coherence and cohesion of the essay to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary related to describing trends and figures from the graph. It uses some appropriate vocabulary such as "proportion," "witnessed an upward trend," "accounted for," "saw a decrease," "forecasting," and "dramatic increase." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive and lacks variety. There are also noticeable errors in word formation and some awkward phrasing that may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the exact meanings intended.

How to improve:
To improve the lexical resource score:

Increase vocabulary range: Incorporate a wider variety of synonyms and related terms to avoid repetitive use.
Improve word choice: Ensure accuracy in word selection and avoid awkward phrasing.
Work on word formation: Pay attention to forming words correctly and consistently.
Check for spelling errors: Eliminate spelling mistakes to enhance clarity and readability.

This essay could benefit from greater lexical diversity and more precise vocabulary usage to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an attempt at using a range of sentence structures and some complex sentences. There are moments of clarity and coherence in expressing ideas about the graph’s data. However, the use of grammar and punctuation is inconsistent, leading to frequent errors that occasionally affect clarity and meaning. The essay attempts to use a variety of sentence structures but often lacks accuracy in more complex constructions.

How to improve:

Sentence Structure: Aim for a more consistent use of complex sentence structures to convey ideas clearly and precisely.
Grammar and Punctuation: Pay closer attention to grammar rules and punctuation marks to minimize errors that can obscure meaning.
Clarity and Precision: Focus on expressing ideas with clarity and precision to enhance overall coherence and readability.

Improving these aspects will help elevate the essay’s grammatical range and accuracy to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph presents data on the percentage of urban population in four Asian countries from 1970 to 2020, with projections for 2030 and 2040.

Initially, the Philippines had the highest urban population at approximately 31% in 1970, followed closely by Malaysia at around 30%. Over the next two decades, Malaysia’s urban population surpassed the Philippines, peaking at about 42% in 1990. During the same period, Thailand and Indonesia started with lower urban population percentages of 19% and 15%, respectively, in 1970. By 1990, these figures had risen to approximately 29% for Thailand and 21% for Indonesia.

From 1990 onwards, Malaysia’s urban population continued to increase significantly, reaching a projected peak of 81% by 2040. Conversely, the Philippines experienced a decline before stabilizing around 51% by the end of the period. Thailand’s urban population is anticipated to rise steadily to approximately 49% by 2040, following a period of relative stability from 1990 to 2020. Indonesia, starting from a lower base, exhibited substantial growth, surpassing the other countries to become the second highest in projected urban population by 2040.

Overall, the trend across these four Asian countries shows a general increase in urban population percentages over the decades, with varying rates of growth and projections into the future.