The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The graph depicts the number of people participating in various activities at a social center in Melbourne, Australia from 2000 to 2020.
Overall, there was an upward trend in the number of participants engaging in all surveyed activities, except for amateur dramatics. In addition, while the film club had by far the most participants, table tennis witnessed the greatest growth.
Looking first at activities with high participant numbers, there were initially around 35 members of the film club. Subsequently, this figure slightly decreased in 2010, before experiencing a recovery ten years later. Similarly, the figure for martial arts stood at about 36 participants at the onset and hovered around this mark throughout the period.
Turning to other activities, the number of table tennis players started at around 15 players, after which it saw a slight increase to exactly 20 people, before ending a period with a substantial increase to more than 50 players. Similarly, it was not until 2005 that individuals participated in musical performances, and the figure for this activity increased gradually, reaching over ten members in the final year. Conversely, participation in amateur dramatics increased slightly to ten participants in 2005, followed by a significant decline to only five participants in 2020.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"The graph depicts" -> "The graph illustrates"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is a more precise and formal term in academic contexts, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence. -
"participating in various activities" -> "engaging in diverse activities"
Explanation: "Engaging in diverse activities" is more specific and formal, better suiting the academic style by emphasizing the range of activities. -
"except for amateur dramatics" -> "excluding amateur dramatics"
Explanation: "Excluding" is more precise and formal than "except for," which is somewhat colloquial and less specific. -
"by far the most participants" -> "the largest number of participants"
Explanation: "The largest number of participants" is a more formal and precise way to describe the relative size of the groups. -
"witnessed the greatest growth" -> "experienced the most significant growth"
Explanation: "Experienced the most significant growth" is more formal and academically appropriate, emphasizing the magnitude of the change. -
"there were initially around 35 members" -> "there were approximately 35 members initially"
Explanation: "Approximately" is more precise and formal than "around," and placing "initially" at the end of the sentence improves readability. -
"hovered around this mark" -> "remained relatively consistent at this level"
Explanation: "Remained relatively consistent at this level" is more formal and avoids the colloquial tone of "hovered around." -
"saw a slight increase to exactly 20 people" -> "increased to precisely 20 people"
Explanation: "Increased to precisely" is more formal and avoids the casual tone of "saw a slight increase." -
"ending a period with a substantial increase" -> "concluding with a substantial increase"
Explanation: "Concluding with" is more formal and fits better in an academic context than "ending a period with." -
"it was not until 2005 that individuals participated in musical performances" -> "participation in musical performances did not begin until 2005"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the passive voice and enhances the formality of the sentence. -
"the figure for this activity increased gradually" -> "the number of participants in this activity increased gradually"
Explanation: Adding "number of participants" specifies what is increasing, enhancing clarity and formality. -
"reaching over ten members" -> "reaching more than ten members"
Explanation: "More than" is a more precise and formal way to express the extent of the increase. -
"participation in amateur dramatics increased slightly" -> "participation in amateur dramatics marginally increased"
Explanation: "Marginally" is a more precise and formal term than "slightly," fitting better in an academic context. -
"followed by a significant decline to only five participants" -> "followed by a substantial decline to just five participants"
Explanation: "Substantial" and "just" together provide a more formal and precise description of the decline.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7
Explanation: The essay provides a clear overview of the main trends in the graph, highlighting the upward trend in most activities and the decline in amateur dramatics. It also presents key features, such as the high number of participants in the film club and the significant growth in table tennis. However, the essay could be more fully extended by providing more specific details about the changes in each activity, such as the exact figures for the increase or decrease in participants.
How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the changes in each activity. For example, instead of saying that the number of table tennis players "saw a slight increase," the essay could state that the number increased from 15 to 20. Additionally, the essay could provide more analysis of the data, such as comparing the growth rates of different activities.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, demonstrating clear progression throughout the response. It effectively presents a central topic in each paragraph and uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately. However, there are instances of minor under-use of cohesive devices, which slightly detracts from the overall fluidity of the essay. The paragraphing is clear, but there could be more sophisticated transitions between some ideas to enhance coherence further.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas more fluidly. Additionally, improving the transitions between paragraphs and ensuring that each paragraph flows seamlessly into the next would enhance the overall coherence. More complex sentence structures could also be employed to demonstrate a higher level of cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary that allows for flexibility and precision in conveying the information from the graph. The use of terms like "upward trend," "engaging," and "substantial increase" indicates an awareness of style and collocation. However, there are occasional inaccuracies in word choice, such as "hovered around this mark," which could be more precisely expressed. Additionally, while the essay attempts to use less common vocabulary, there are some errors in word formation, such as "the figure for this activity increased gradually," where "gradually" could be replaced with a more precise term like "steadily." Overall, the vocabulary is adequate for the task, but it lacks the sophistication and range required for a higher band score.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider variety of advanced vocabulary and expressions that convey precise meanings. Practicing the use of uncommon lexical items in context can help improve accuracy in word choice and collocation. Additionally, reviewing spelling and word formation rules can help reduce errors and improve overall clarity. Engaging with high-level academic texts can also expose the writer to more sophisticated vocabulary and phrases that can be effectively utilized in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
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Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex sentence structures and produces frequent error-free sentences. The grammatical control is generally good, with only a few minor errors present. The use of appropriate vocabulary and cohesive devices supports the clarity of the information presented. However, there are occasional inaccuracies in sentence structure and punctuation that prevent it from reaching a higher band score.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by proofreading for minor errors and ensuring that all sentences are correctly structured. Additionally, incorporating a wider range of complex structures and varying sentence lengths could improve the overall grammatical range. Practicing more complex sentence forms and ensuring precision in punctuation will also contribute to a higher score.
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Bài sửa mẫu
The graph depicts the number of people participating in various activities at a social center in Melbourne, Australia, from 2000 to 2020.
Overall, there was an upward trend in the number of participants engaging in all surveyed activities, except for amateur dramatics. Additionally, while the film club had by far the highest number of participants, table tennis experienced the greatest growth.
Looking first at activities with high participant numbers, there were initially around 35 members of the film club. This figure slightly decreased in 2010 before experiencing a recovery ten years later. Similarly, the number of martial arts participants stood at about 36 at the outset and remained around this mark throughout the period.
Turning to other activities, the number of table tennis players started at approximately 15, then saw a slight increase to exactly 20, before ending the period with a substantial rise to more than 50 players. Musical performances began to attract participants in 2005, with the figure for this activity gradually increasing to over ten members by the final year. In contrast, participation in amateur dramatics rose slightly to ten participants in 2005, followed by a significant decline to only five participants in 2020.
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